ASKING GOOD QUESTIONS

“Judge a man by by questions rather than by his answers” (Voltaire)

One of my favourite things about young children is their ‘Why?’ questions. Sometimes this continual questioning of the reasons for things around them can be grating but I love that questioning attitude. Nothing is set in stone and all the preconceptions we have are blown away by 'why?’

The amazing thing that happens is these questions are a child’s route to understanding. Its not enough to be told something is as it is. They need to know why. Why does grass grow? Why does an apple grow on a tree? Sometimes we can’t answer but thats not the point - they need to know why to accept a reality.

It’s the same with us. We strive for peace and part of that is finding acceptance with our realities. To do that we need to know why. Why do I feel that? Why do I think that? Over the years I’ve found that asking good questions is a great way to explore our wellbeing and enable us to flourish. I wanted to set out some simple ideas that you can try at home.

asking why questions

Engaging that childlike questioning of why things are as they are is a great start. If you find yourself with a persistent emotion, thought or anxiety ask why. Why do I feel that? What is that thought still around? Then allow why questions to take you on a journey into your feelings. Maybe you feel that anxiety because of a fear you have, then why? Maybe that fear is grounded in the past, then why? etc. Check out this little mind-map approach I’ve developed.

a questioning inventory

How do you react when someone asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’

Imagine that question being asked of you right now. How might you respond? Sometimes we’ll brush the question off … ‘I’m fine!’ Sometimes we might respond in a guarded way, giving some information but not others. Sometimes we might suddenly be vulnerable or share a great deal.

Unsurprisingly we are the same about our emotions internally. Sometimes we’ll move on quickly, sometimes we’ll explore a little bit, sometimes we’ll be ready to look all the way through how we feel.

Why not use questions to prompt a regular internal inventory of how you are feeling?

I have 5 questions that I ask at least once a month.

• How have I been feeling this month, what are my dominant emotions?

• Why is this?

• How have these feelings affected my actions?

• Have any patterns developed in my behaviour, emotions or lifestyle?

• What can I do to build on the positives for the coming month?

These questions aren’t exhaustive but they help me plan and think not just about what’s to come but where I’ve been and why. They help me be aware of how I’m doing and be honest about how to respond.

Why not design your own emotional inventory. What would you ask?

questions as self-care

Questions aren’t just a good way to listen to yourself or others, they’re also a great way to care for your wellbeing and to enable you to be more resilient in tough times.

Lately we’ve seen a lot of fear reactions around us - understandably so because life isn’t easy right now. When we fear our brain responds in an area called the amygdala. A sense of threat triggers a ‘fight or flight’ reaction with stress hormones being release and the nervous system responding. We become hyper alert, our pupils dilate and our breathing and heart rates increase. We are ready to respond.

Anxiety stems from these reactions and sometimes when they become too prolonged or they happen too often. When this is the case we need to find ways to return to our rational, pragmatic and non-threat way of thinking and being. One way we can do that is to ask questions.

I came upon questions as a response through explorations of CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.) Often there are thinking patterns we get into in our anxiety. I’m under threat. I’m not safe. I will suffer if I stay here. I’m not in control.

Questions are a great way to respond to this. Maybe you could ask some of the following:

• What is in my control and what’s not?

• What is it that I’m fearing will happen? Is that likely to take place?

• Is this anxiety linked to my past? Is there reason to expect that’ll happen again?

• What is the first thing I can do (break the problem down.)

Questions like these can really help.

Why not take 15 minutes to ponder what happens when you feel anxious. What questions could you ask to ground yourself and think calmly?

BUILDING QUESTIONS INTO YOUR LIFE

These examples above are just three ways we can explore questions as a route to finding peace and flourishing in ourselves. Why not check them out and see if they help you. Add them to your toolbox of ways to support your wellbeing.