““Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ”
Talking about death in many western settings isn’t easy. Our cultures find it hard to be open about things as fragile, costly and bleak as death. Maybe our consumerist based world finds it even harder to consider an end, which will come to us all, but which is firmly outside our control?
This struggle with talking is global. In many other cultures, death is talked about. The Jewish process of Shiva is a fascinating one. Shiva is a seven day period where friends and relatives sit in a house and are encouraged to talk about the person who’s died. Reminiscences are shared, memories remembered - it is often deeply valuable. Other cultures will welcome having the body of a lost loved one in the house, prior to the burial. Things that feel odd to us feel very normal in other cultures. So why is this so hard?
“Basic assumptions concerning the desirability or safety of expressing emotions would seem to be related to delayed or arrested grieving over loss”
(Paul Salkovskis)
At time of writing, death is a very present issue. Upwards of 40,000 people have died of Coronavirus in the UK. Globally deaths from the virus have reached near 300,000 (source: European Centre for Disease Prevention.)
So how do we address the conversation of death and matters of dying at this time? Is it best to avoid it as a subject too bleak to consider, best to wait until it happens, best to be positive? Sometimes, having that outlook can help us but not talking about a subject that is so prevalent in life seems unsteady as a method of coping. Is it really best to only mention death when it is upon us?
During this Dying Matters Awareness Week we wanted to share three thoughts about death & loss and talking about them which we hope will help you.
Getting things out in the open
We’ve shared many times on this website how talking about things helps. This is particularly important in issues of death and loss. That’s because we all hold secret fears, questions and concerns about this subject. Many of us who’ve stared our fragility in the face have been confronted by questions of what this means for us, the impact on those around us and wider questions of the nature of life itself. Why don’t we make time to raise these concerns with those we love or those we find it easy to talk to?
The current pandemic does give us an opportunity to be honest. Why not organise a zoom or a call with a friend and share all your questions together?
Talking about your thoughts and feelings can help you deal with times when you feel troubled about something. If you turn a worry over and over in your mind, the worry can grow. But talking about it can help you work out what is really bothering you and explore what you could do about it.
(The Mental Health Foundation)
Pain is sometimes practical
One of the good things to talk about and consider before difficult times come to us is the practical impact of loss. Bereavement specialists will talk about primary loss (the death of the person concerned) but also secondary loss within the process of grief. Secondary loss is that practical pain associated with the loss of a person - maybe bills were paid by the person who died, now the task falls to you. Maybe you’re executor of a will and tasked with difficult jobs to tie up the loose ends of a personals practical affairs? This is hard.
So why not consider at this time:
Do I need to talk to anyone about the practical issues of loss and my life? For example, have I got a will? If the answer is no you may have considered this recently but why not have the conversations with a friend? The Red Cross is one of many agencies online that offer help on making a will.
Do I have any anxieties about what happens after my death or for another loved one? Why not talk about them? Can you make a file of the key personal documents, information about your life and make someone aware of where it is? This may help the practical issues of pain after death.
What fears do I have? Maybe your home, your business or the needs of your kids are paramount? Do you worry about these things? Talk to a friend or family member about your fears. These things may seem small but they are genuine to you and cause you stress - sharing them will help.
Transition isn’t easy
Transitioning from one phase of life to another is hard - bereavement and loss is no different. The transition between having a person around to life without them is incredibly difficult and the body, mind and emotions need time to process things.
Many people have spoken recently about the cycles of bereavement, and there are many models of this process such as that devised by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
However the key dynamic to remember is that everyone grieves different and that their grieving takes time. This change from one place to another should be taken slowly.
“Grieving is a process, it is not humanly possible to deal with its devastation all at once”
(C. Murray-Parkes)
If you’re going through any process of grief, the chance to talk with friends is vital. If thats where you are right now, take time to talk. If you’re not in that place, why not consider who would support you and why. Knowing who to lean on will be so useful if you ever experience the transition experiences of bereavement.
Dying Matters Awareness Week
This week we’re been supporting Dying Matters in their Dying Matters Awareness Week. This is an incredibly worthwhile campaign, encouraging people to talk about matters of death and loss.
You can find out more at their website.
We also highly recommend the work of Cruse in supporting people through bereavement. If you’ve experienced loss recently and need support, please do visit their website.
Lastly, if we can help you to begin the process of talking, Space to Breathe are offering free 30 min Wellbeing Check-In’s for anyone who needs them. If you’d like to take advantage of that to talk with someone independent about issues of grief and loss, we can help you.
