As part of our #toughtalking month we’re looking at the issues around sharing and talking about wellbeing and mental health.
This can be such a tough subject as we all know the sense of fear we might have about sharing something personal. How will it be received? How will I feel sharing?
Yet these moments of breaking the silence are key to our wellbeing. It is often in talking that we begin the process of self-understanding and where we’ve been struggling, these times of sharing become important milestones.
“What happens when people open their hearts?"
"They get better.”(Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood)
Over the years I’ve experienced countless situations, both formal and informal, where someone has broken the sound barrier about their personal journey, struggles or feelings. These moments are never easy and are fraught with vulnerability. There are no useful platitudes that ‘it’s good to talk’ or that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’ Usually this type of sharing is scary, difficult and fraught with risk. But more often that not it provides a spark which helps people to make new choices and find healing.
So if you’re struggling and want to begin a process of sharing, how do you go about it? Here are five simple steps.
Make sure you feel safe
It’s all well and good someone writing a blog saying sharing about a challenge is a good thing. You need to feel you have some safety when you share. That doesn’t mean there’s no risk, but you feel you’re with someone trustworthy, in a safe space where you have some boundaries and protections and where the process will ultimately be helpful to you rather than harmful. If you’re unsure about these things, ask some questions. Who is in the room? Have they shown themselves to be supportive and kind in the past? Does everyone understand that this is hard for you and are supportive? What will happen afterwards? If you feel happy with the answers to those questions, you’ll probably feel the beginnings of safety and may feel able to share.
Take your time
There’s no need to share everything in one go. Go as far as you want to, take time. You don’t need to rush. Sharing about challenges that you’re facing is something you’re doing to benefit your own wellbeing, so you can take your time with it. Think about this when you’re choosing the moment to share. It’s always best to not start to share if the people around you won’t be able to stay with you during it - is it late? Will people be around for a while? Is there going to be anything that will get in the way?
Vulnerability is the key to relationships
Being vulnerable seems like a massive risk, but in reality all good relationships need vulnerability to work. Brene Brown puts it like this:
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
When you confront these tough choices and choose to be vulnerable you’ll find you gain more than simply the sharing of your story. You’ll find a depth of friendship and commitment that goes far beyond that moment.
Mutuality is vital
One of the things that can feel hard when we share is if we feel the relationship is unequal. Here’s me spilling my guts yet I know little or nothing about the other person and their story. Sometimes we can feel like sharing makes us less and makes us dependent on the other person. It’s important to move beyond those feelings. Is this person who I’m about to share with someone who I feel equal to? Is this someone who feels as much a friend of mine as well as a friend to me? Would they or have they shared with me before?
This is why sometimes people choose to break their silence in professional settings such as with a therapist. These skilled people are adept at offering a specific context for sharing. The equality is not in a therapist being a friend but that they are someone skilled to help for a specific time without them finding a place in my wider world. They can be a safe option where I can begin to tell my story. After seeing a therapist many then feel able to more confidently tell their friends and relatives about their wellbeing challenges. This is a perfectly fine way of beginning to share.
Be aware of the sort of person you are
All of the ideas above convey some level of thinking and planning before sharing. But we all know that sometimes challenging things just get blurted out. This is the factor of our character and the sort of person we are. Spontaneous or planner. Introverted or Extroverted. External or Internal processor. All these things are important. Be you. Share in the way you feel is right for you.
As an introvert I’ve found I need to collect my thoughts every once in a while whilst sharing. I know extroverts who need the safety of others in order to feel properly comfortable. External processors may need the freedom to get everything out and talk about it without fear of judgement. Be you and be expectant that those around you will want you to and encourage you to be yourself.
Talking about our feelings and emotions is hard. We’ve found the five things above can really help but ultimately this is all about what works for you and the best style and approach that fits you as a person. Most of all though we encourage you to talk to someone if you’re struggling.
This may be friends or family but it might be your GP first.
Services like the Samaritans can also provide a very helpful way to talk to someone and get things off your chest. We’ve added a few links below.
You can also talk to us here at Space to Breathe. We’re offering free 30 minute Wellbeing Check-Ins at the moment and you can book one today.
Talk to someone. It makes a difference.
If you’re struggling and you need someone impartial to talk to, you could try: