The sun rises every morning without fail. It’s essential for our existence as human beings, yet we are oftentimes indifferent to its reliability.

This photo (above) was taken on a recent early morning walk I did, and one of many hundreds of thousands of photos of sunsets that have been taken since cameras were invented. 

As I reflected on the reliability of the sun to rise each morning, I decided to write a poem about it.

Day after day after day after day it appears;

No person can prevent it,

No event can frustrate it.

Fearlessly, boldly, confidently, it pushes up through the horizon

And bursts into the sky. 

Not interested in being welcomed

Or waiting for prior approval  

Not dependant on any particular kind of reception

It’s unapologetically itself.

Each day heralds new news, some better than others

Some days it’s brightly seen, some days it’s more obscured 

But reliably and surely, it’s always on its course

From east to west, dawn to dusk, every single day.

And each new day, day after day after day it appears

Certainly. Relentlessly. Resolutely.  

TRY THIS …

Spend some time now reflecting on the reliability of the sun to rise each morning. Think about that incredible regularity - how amazing it is, yet how predictable it also is. Is there anything else that restarts like each day quite like this? Ponder this wonderful fact and ask yourself:

• How does it make you think and feel?

• When is its reliability most profound?

• When is its reliability is most valued?

• What hope exists for us in its reliability?

Consider what ‘response’ you want to make to your reflections. You might want to write, draw something. Maybe you could discuss what you think with someone else?

This reflection and original poem is written by Ben Harper. You can carry on the conversation with Ben on Twitter @wellbeingteach.

Be Like a Tree 

Be like a tree.

Stay grounded.

Connect with your roots.

Turn over a new leaf.

Bend before you break.

Enjoy your unique natural beauty.

Keep growing.

(Joanne Raptis, author and writer)

It’s thought that each concentric circle in the trunk of a tree represents one year of growth. If you look closely at this picture (above) you can see that not each ring is equally spaced; that’s because the amount of growth that occurred in each year of this tree’s life wasn’t the same. Some years will have been ‘dreamy’ with the ‘goldilocks’ combination of light, rain, nutrients available. Other years will have been tougher with more storms, droughts or pests attacking. In every year however, there was growth of some kind. 

Something similar is true for us. Whether we have a ‘perfect’ year or live through a ‘stormy’ year, there will be growth; stuff we learn, stuff we acquire in terms of experience. 

So as the new year begins, we want to encourage you to consider your growth over the last year….

• I wonder what you know about yourself this January that you didn’t know last year?

• I wonder what you know about the world around you this January that you didn’t know last year? 

• I wonder what new experiences of yourself you had in 2021?

• I wonder who has supported you to learn and grow over the last year?

• I wonder if you have supported anyone else to learn and grow over the last year?

Spend some time with all of this and consider what it means to adopt a stance of gratitude for these things. 

Resolving something different

It’s the time of year when many of us consider making (big or small) tweaks to our life in the form of New Years resolutions.

The newness of the New Year does provide a great impetus for us to reconsider things and if you’re one for resolutions - good luck and we hope they are really positive. YouGov found that many resolutions focus on aspects of a healthy lifestyle (more exercise, better diet, stopping an unhealthy habit), with other common resolutions being about spending time in more virtuous ways.

However, if you’re a little unsure this year can we suggest a different way to resolve things? It might not surprise you to hear that a 2019 YouGov survey found that only 24% of people who made resolutions managed to keep them, with no further data on how quickly the other 76% gave up. This new idea of a new idea feels like a new broom but inevitably the old year comes with us in many ways and we can sometimes set ourselves up for a fail.

There are six recognised reasons why new resolutions often don’t work and we’ve tried to put a positive step to each of them to find a different way of doing things this year.

Reason 1

Maybe if we’re honest we’re not yet ready for change. You might see the need for it, but you’re not really convinced that the change is important or necessary enough. 

Response:

Get yourself more ready by considering what positive difference making that change would really make. Ask yourself; do you REALLY want that? Why? Make sure the change you’re seeking is important enough for you. Also accept that sometimes it’s not the right time to make some changes or you don’t need to! There are other legitimate priorities and it’s ok for you to choose them.

Reason 2

The change you’re looking at might suit someone else more than you. This means the ‘reward’ for the change isn’t inside you, but outside you. As soon as that person doesn’t notice or appreciate the change you’ve made, you’ll become demotivated and discouraged. 

Response:

Check in with yourself that the change you want to make will make a difference for YOU and has benefits and gains for you, not just others. 

Reason 3

You might have too much to lose by changing. Every gain has losses. You go to the gym more, you have less time do other things. You eat more vegetables; you need less chocolate. Many of the changes we seek mean we lose things we’re not yet ready to lose. 

Response:

Spend some time REALLY focussing on the gains. Imagine them. Amplify them. Draw them. Write about them. Speak about them. You need to be able to see, taste, feel the possible difference the change will make BEFORE you make the change. 

Reason 4

There’s a change you want to make but you’ve found it hard to be specific about it. Committing to watch less TV, makes sense but is a hard one to quantify and the vague nature of a target . Vague ‘targets’ about stopping something are generally ineffective. 

Response:

Make sure you articulate as clearly and specifically as possible what you do want rather than what you don’t want. ‘I want to have more energy and feel lighter so I’m going to eat 5 pieces of fruit every morning’ is far better than ‘I don’t want to eat unhealthily’

Reason 5

Maybe you lack support. There isn’t enough of the help of other people who can encourage you and cheer you on. 

Response:

Make a start on enlisting the help of others. These aren’t people who are going to wag their finger at you when you slip up, rather people who are going to check in and help you see the positive effects and forthcoming benefits of your new choices. They’re also the kind of people who might join you in part of your quest, although it’s important not to get them to make changes that they’re not committed to themselves (see number 1!) 

REASON 6

You lack self belief. Perhaps you feel you’ve got a track history of not been able to sustain things or have low confidence. Henry Ford famously said “Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right’. 

Response:

Build up your confidence by making small changes, and then gathering ‘new evidence’ of your ability to make changes. Draw to mind times when you have managed to make even small adjustments to habits or ways of doing things.  

You can find out more about YouGov’s 2019 research here.

Winter and Wellbeing

As we begin to ponder Christmas and all the things associated with this Winter season, you may experience a variety of emotions.

Christmas can be a period of light or darkness, one of relaxation or stress or one of hope or worry. It can depend. Sometimes what happens makes us joyful or concerned. Sometimes we reflect on things past - those with us or those not. Sometimes all the trappings of Christmas can make us feel happy or can completely isolate us.

I wonder how you feel this year?

Mental Health charities suggest Christmas is a time of year when a lot of us struggle with our wellbeing. MIND made a significant link between the health challenges linked to stress and Christmas in their report of 2015. One of the conclusions was that 76% of us had trouble sleeping at Christmas due to stress.

What causes this? Again it depends.

Their study suggested financial debt (41%), feeling lonely (83%) or finding Christmas stressful (81%) were the main reasons. Interestingly most people who suffer stress at this time of year don’t actually recognise it for what it is (Curtis, Coventry University 2002.)

So what do we do?

If this time of year feels a little too dark, we want to say don’t worry, that we are with you and that things can be brighter. Over the next few weeks we’ll look at using the themes, ideas and regular things about Winter to help our wellbeing. This blog is where we start.

Winter means a shortening of the days, a darkening of the nights and a dropping of temperatures. We’ve already had some snow here. Leaves fall off the trees and things feel a little bare. But there is reason for all this.

Spring wouldn’t exist without Winter. All that growth and life in Spring comes from the place of ending and clearing in Winter. Our audio meditation this week - Clearing the Decks - helps us understand that.

The Winter season also has many things to notice that we can take meaning from. Next week we’ll look at Light. Have you noticed that on these shorter days - when the sun shines and we get that crisp brightness we really enjoy it - it’s like Light is heightened because we have less of it. That’s something we can understand and take meaning from.

This all comes from a willingness to be curious and to find meaning in things happening around us. We did this a few months ago when we looked at Autumn. That process of change is something happening in nature but if we are curious enough to look at things, we can learn ideas and principles from this season of change that can mean things for our lives.

Einstein once said:

“The mind that opens to a new idea never returns to its original size”

When we meditate and reflect, we take meaning from something and it can help us. Our mind can expand but so can our wellbeing. We can be encouraged, we can learn, we can be filled with Wonder.

So this week’s Shh… Meditation is all about Curiosity - being willing to see things. This is a brilliant wellbeing tool.

TRY THIS

Right now why not …

Stop

Be curious and…

Allow things to speak to you.

Allow the sky to speak to you. Allow the way a bird flies to speak to you. Allow someone’s laughter to speak to you. Allow the sound of the wind to speak to you.

Curiosity gives us the potential to learn and grow from all we experience. It’s a fantastic way to be very present in the moment too.

It’s a great tool to have as we navigate Winter.

Connected Reality by Ben Harper

It’s to do with the subtly different ways that they experience their environment; one degree to one side or the other means the elements they encounter form them into something different from the ones close by.

Is there such thing as a ‘perfect snowflake’? A ‘perfect leaf’? A ‘perfect pebble’? I think not. There might be ones that conform to my expectations more than others, but surely it’s their difference that makes them beautiful?

Nature doesn’t apologise for it’s ‘imperfections’. It allows for it, bravely displays it and makes room for the imperfections of it’s counterparts. Nature is unapologetically real.

Maybe we have something to learn from this. Social researcher Brené Brown found that those who have the greatest sense of connection with others are those who are brave enough to accept their own imperfections and gracious enough to accept the imperfections of others.

This is something we’ve expressed in our Wellbeing Triangle

What does it take to be real in these things? Well, here are a few thoughts, but we’d love to hear yours, because if I’m being real right now, I don’t have all the answers!

Understanding and Expressing Self

To be real with ourselves requires honesty and bravery. Sometimes I experience thoughts and feelings that don’t make me feel good. I can ignore these things and pretend they’re not real, but uncomfortable thoughts and feelings have a nasty habit of finding a way out eventually, either in the way we treat others or by showing up as symptoms in our physical health. This doesn’t mean we need to dwell on things, but only when we accept that a thought and feeling is there, can we decide what to do with it. Sometimes we can do that alone, sometimes we need the help of others which leads on nicely to….

Sharing with others

We all need people who we can be real with. This isn’t about sharing your deepest thoughts on social media. This is about developing a small number of relationships where there is mutual trust and honesty. Often choosing vulnerability gives others permission to be vulnerable to. This is the opposite of competition, proving yourself, performing always at your best. It requires a similar amount of honesty and bravery as is needed to understand and express yourself. It’ both scary and deeply rewarding.

Engaging with ‘other’

Slowing down and noticing isn’t easy. Our modern world is set up to be hyperactive and hypervigilant. Modern devices are designed to interrupt us and grab our attention. It likes to put filters over things to make them more ‘perfect’, rather than valuing the beauty of what is really here. To engage with ‘other’ is to remove the filter and appreciate the beauty of the real. It may involve us taking moments to become present with all our 5 senses and accepting that everything in this moment is ‘ok’.

try this …

So I wonder if you invite you to be honest with yourself for moment?

• How easy is it for you to be real with yourself?

• What would it look like to be ‘just a bit more real’ with yourself today?

• How easy is it for you to be real with others?

• What would it look like to be ‘just a bit more real’ with others today?

• How easy it for you to be really present with ‘other’?

• What would it look like to be ‘just a bit more real’ with ‘other’ today?

What is Stress?

By Ben Harper

Statesman Benjamin Franklin once said:

‘Two things are certain in life; death and taxes’.

Maybe the third certainty is stress. Stress is a normal part of our lived experience, and in the right doses, can be really helpful.

If we’re being chased by a tiger, or have a deadline to meet, it will give us the necessary impetus we need to get going. (I have more experience of the later than the former, and expect you have too!)

But too much stress, can be at best unpleasant, and at worse damaging to us mentally, physically and spiritually. It’s important that we understand more about what stress is, what causes it and how we might best manage it. We hope our Well? content over the next month will do this.

Stress is the feeling we have when we are pushed, pulled or poked by life’s circumstances. It’s what happens when our bodies and minds are being asked to manage too much at once. Stress can be the result of one big event that saps our capacity, or more often due to too many different things happening at the same time.

Stress tends to build up in the body and mind, and show up in our behaviour. Our body may feel tense, our stomach unsettled or we may get a headache. Our mind may feel overwhelmed, we may be very distractable, or we may be more forgetful than usual. Our behaviour can become irritable, we can find ourselves seeking out unhealthy treats or we might try and avoid certain places and people. Whilst stress is a certainty, the way we experience it is not as set, and will vary from person to person. It’s important to work out what stress looks like in your body, mind and behaviour so you can notice it when it’s happening.

Often stress slows us down or even gives us a sense of paralysis. With too long a to-do list to do, or the overwhelmed-ness of a recent tragedy, we’re less able to think clearly, rationally or practically. We often make poor decisions or avoid making any decisions at all. This can often compound our stress, and make us feel worse.

The important thing about stress, is not to be stressed about it!

Easier said than done, I know. But often ‘manage stress’ becomes another thing on our to-do list which we haven’t got time or capacity to complete in the first place. Accepting that stress is normal, everyone feels it, and that it’s ok to feel like you feel is an important step in the process of managing it.

Sometimes we need a kind of circuit breaker for our stress; something that interrupts to loop or moves us from our paralysis. We’re going to share some tools, techniques and tricks that help to break the stress cycle over the next month. All of them are tried and tested and aimed at giving you back some sense of control over that which feels out of control. Some of our tools will focus on the body, some on the mind, some on actions you can take to move you out of stress. Work out what works best for you, and let us know.

Stress is a certainty but being trapped in a stress cycle doesn’t have to be.

Ben Harper is our Education Lead at Space to Breathe. You can start a conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach.

EAT SLEEP REPEAT

SOME THOUGHTS ON STRESS, DIET AND SLEEP AND LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF

“Put simply: sleep – a consistent seven- to nine-hour opportunity each night – is the single most effective thing we can do to reset our brain and body health each day, and the reason I revere and adore sleep (scientifically and personally)”

Matthew Walker

Sleep is so important.  Sleep is where your body rests and recharges. Sleep is where healing takes place.  Sleep enables you brain to process the day and download to long term memory.  Indeed, a number of studies show that after 22 hours without sleep, human performance is impaired to the same level as that of someone who is legally drunk. 

This great article published in the Guardian in early 2019, warns of the numerous negative impacts of not getting enough sleep. Which ironically, is enough to make the worriers amongst us lay awake at night!  

We know that sometimes stress affects our sleep but often we also feel stress because we can’t sleep.  What can we do about this?  

Both The Sleep Foundation and the NHS list a variety of tips that support sleeping well. A lot of these will be familiar things that we’ve heard before; reduce blue light on an evening, put a relaxing bedtime routine in place, make sure your bedroom is the right temperature. As we think about these we’d like to suggest that simply doing all of these thing isn’t best for our wellbeing. To make time and space for good sleep and to invest in our wellbeing, we need to take these tips and make them work for us.  For starters you could take time to:

1.     Understand you – how do you sleep, what works best in your sleep patterns?

2.     Be realistic – try one thing and see how it works. 

3.     Start well and be consistent - research has shown that it can take anywhere from 18 – 254 days to establish a habit; the average is usually around 66 days. 

So we wanted to share some tools to try over time.  Here’s Ben with some suggestions on how sleep can be improved and it’s interaction with the other two pillars of your wellbeing – diet and exercise. 

Stress has a negative impact on the body, and over time can supress our immune system. This makes us more susceptible to illness which can then add to our stress. To compound this further, when we’re stressed, we’re more likely to make unhealthy choices about diet, exercise and find sleep more difficult.  

Most of us know what a good diet looks like, what helps our sleep and that we need to exercise regularly, and so the suggestions below are a reminder and will build on what you already know. Use them as a prompt to consider what you’re already doing, and how you could tweak your current habits. 

Investing in good diet, exercise and sleep will give us the best chance of facing and managing stress.

Creating Rhythms of Wellbeing

 ‘I need some space.’ 

When was the last time you uttered that phrase?

During the last year there will have been times when we’ve all needed a little space - a change of scene, a breathing space in the midst of lockdown.

It’s often when you’re feeling overwhelmed, too busy and life is full of the demands of everyone around you. That feeling of juggling too many balls, one is going to drop and all you need really is to put them all down and have a break, even for a few minutes.

I’ve noticed recently that there are some things that are important to helping me flourish, to being able to juggle all those balls. And yet in the busy times they are the things that get pushed out. I forget or I easily give up the things that are important for my wellbeing; I say yes to too much.

There’s something important about weaving wellbeing into your everyday life that is valuable.

Wellbeing can feel like something else that you need to think about, make time for or spend money on. At Space to Breathe we believe wellbeing should be weaved into your everyday life and it’s about knowing what helps you to be well, to flourish and to make consistent time for that.

These things are the things that give you your ‘space’, they’re the things that help you to breathe and to balance everything else in life.

Getting out into nature is really valuable for my wellbeing. It gives me such life, it helps me to slow down and it boosts my mood. Now I know that, I can find ways to make sure I am in nature. The great thing about knowing what boosts your wellbeing is that it makes it simpler to build in. It also allows you to get creative, because it doesn’t have to look like just one thing. Getting into nature is something I can do in five minutes or for a whole weekend. 

A week camping, particularly if it’s by the beach, is the ultimate way for me to soak in nature. A slow walk in a lunch break also works. So does five minutes weeding in the garden after being cooped up inside all day. Hanging the washing outside and listening to the bird song brings me a surprising amount of joy.

Nature isn’t my only thing. There’s connecting with friends, doing pilates, baking, reading, spiritual meditation, regular holidays and rhythms of rest. Each of these things can look different depending on the demands of life around me, but making time for a couple of these things each day is vital. It’s when I do that that I flourish, that I find I’m better able to balance all of those other things.

What gives you space and life?

What, by weaving it into life regularly, helps to give you the space you need, to boost your wellbeing, to allow your mind and body to destress and refocus?

Take some time now, grab a piece of paper or open up a note in your phone and write a list.

If you have enough time, work out what this could look if you had

• Five minutes

• One hour

• One day

• A weekend

Now schedule a few in your diary or jot a couple down in each day of your calendar. Give yourself a couple of weeks to give it a go. Notice what impact it has on your day to day wellbeing.

In the dark, in the light

Exploring our themes of Light and Dark, Ben Harper thinks back to that moment where the light bulb changed the way we worked, lived and slept. He ponders if the balance of day and night actually shows us some healthy rhythms of rest and work that can aid our wellbeing.

This week, I have become more aware of the daylight shortening. I know this is has been happening for a while now (technically since June actually!), but this week I’ve got up in the dark every moring and returned home from work just as it’s started to go dark on a few occasions. Autumns reality is here.

As we deal with more darkness, we will need to rely on artificial light more to allow us to get on with our everyday activity, but this wasn’t always the case.

It’s thought that before the invention of the light bulb, rather than putting on more lights,  people slept for an average of 11 hours a day instead. The current UK average is currently 7.6 hours.

I’m not suggesting you throw all your lamps out and get into your PJ’s for the rest of the winter, but I do wonder if we need to consider the important role that darkness plays in our life, and value it for what it provides. 

It is in darkness that a seed begins to sprout

In the darkness of hibernation many animals preserve energy ready for the activities of spring.

It is as we sleep that our cardiovascular and immune systems get to recalibrate and our metabolism regulates itself.

Darkness, stopping, rest have important places in our life. 

Giving in to rest and the rhythms of our year are not things our society is set up to support.

I don’t imagine many employers would be open to us doing different working hours depending on the seasons. But just as we (at least in our part of the world), have seasons with more light, and seasons with more dark, we should have seasons of more activity and seasons of less.

Work, activity, giving out can all be things that make us feel ‘well’, but we cannot expect to do this without also taking times to rest, recalibrate and regroup. The flip side of this is that it is possible to have too much rest making us sluggish, and demotivated. We cannot thrive without finding meaningful activity and opportunities to give to others.  And so in the same way, we need a balance of light and dark, we need a balance of being and doing. Like the seasons, this might look different in different periods of our lives, but the balance still needs to be there. 

TRY THIS

As we reflect on darkness and light this week why not take 5 minutes out to consider these questions.

• What does balance look like for you?

• Do you feel you life is balanced between the activity of being & the rest of doing?

• What does it look like to make that balance better? What needs to stop? What needs to start?

Why not ponder these questions for the week to come? Maybe each time you’re aware of a new day or each day when darkness falls. Take time to notice how you feel about these questions and your responses.

Ben Harper is Space to Breathe’s Education Lead. You can interact with him on Twitter through @Wellbeingteach

Helping Others with Stress

What do we do when we see our friends or family struggling with high levels of stress. We want to dive and and help - but how best should we do that?

Truly emotionally supportive friends aren’t rescuers they’re enablers. Whilst it can feel good to rescue someone, and sometimes to be rescued, it doesn’t serve us well to foster the kinds of relationship where this is the dynamic. 

People are better served by us when we help them to see themselves as competent and able rather than incompetent and unable. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to signpost another person to people who can help them - their GP, a support group or some other form of help for stress.

However, we can also be a listening friend who enables them to see exactly what is going on inside them and in their lives and to empower them to be the person who can overcome. We know from our own lives that the support of others is vital in overcoming stress - we can be a great listener and enabler.

We can do this by listening, validating, encouraging, and asking before suggesting or helping. Let me share some ideas about how you might try each of these steps.

Listening

This needs to be the kind of listening that is fully focussed on the person. Distractions ignored, watching and listening out for what’s been communicated verbally and non verbally, noticing what’s been said and what’s not been said. This type of listening is brave enough to get involved with feeling what the other person is feeling, and not rush on from that.

Validating 

This is about accepting the current reality of the other person and agreeing with them that it’s ok to feel how they feel. We do this with phrases like ‘I can hear that it’s tough’ or ‘It sounds like you’re feeling…..’ 

When we accept someone’s feelings, it helps them to accept them too. 

Encouraging 

Reminding someone of their strengths, abilities and achievements can help them to remember that they do have ‘power’, ‘means’ to solve problems. 

Asking 

Being curious is key here and is as much about tone as it is about the words. Are there things it would be good to clarify in what the person has told you or are there things you wonder about what they or others have already done to help themselves? 

Suggesting 

Stephen Covey says this:

“The real beginning of influence comes as others sense you are being influenced by them – when they feel understood by you – that you have listened deeply and sincerely, and that you are open”

Only when we’ve done the listening, validating, encouraging and asking, should we step in with suggestions. Suggestions needs to be given with openness and a willingness on your part to let them go if they don’t land well with the other person, and should be suggestions not directions. 

Helping 

Helping someone out practically can be really appreciated, but is best done in the background and undercover.  In a study done about supporting people through exam stress, Ethan Kross says:

“The study revealed that helping without the recipient being aware of it, a phenomenon called ‘invisible support’, was the formula for supporting others whilst not making them feel bad about lacking resources to coping on their own”

Making ourselves available to help others is a beautiful thing, but let’s help one another in a way that is good for both them and you.

Ben Harper is Space to Breathe’s Education Lead. You can continue the conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach.

Authentic Living 

When you begin to research the idea of “being real” you are quickly introduced to the word ‘authentic’ or ‘authenticity.’

Sometime is authentic, according to the Oxford Dictionary when it is “of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine.”  This is often the case with objects e.g. this is an authentic antique.  However, in terms of people this starts our thinking.

How often do I express a copy of myself or something that isn’t really me?  I react in a way I think others want me to.  Maybe I say what I think people want rather than what I think?  Maybe I dress or act in a way to be accepted rather than feeling like it’s the real me.

Being authentic or living in an authentic way suggests we are willing to be as true to ourselves as we find possible.  This, as you can imagine, is very hard.

It requires:

• Courage from myself to be willing to act or speak with a sense of truth to myself.

• Acceptance from others to give me the safety and assurance to be myself in a healthy way.

• Safety from the communities, groups or spaces that I live in – that honesty and being myself will be encouraged.

Brene Brown suggests that being authentic requires us make regular choices.  She writes:

“authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It’s about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

I like this quote as it makes the idea of authencity feel more achievable.  Some days I have no idea who the real me is but if I make the choice to be honest, to be real, to show myself – I can start there.

Why not try this?

Write this on a piece of paper and place it somewhere you look often in your house (your fridge, by your door, on a mirror) or workplace (on your desk, by the coffee machine.)

• Be myself

• Be honest 

• Be seen

Use this paper as a prompt to try and make a daily choice to be a little more authentic each day.  Ask yourself:

How can I do this thing or take part in this activity in a way that is really me?

What is the honest thing to say?

How can I allow myself to be seen with this thought, this emotion or in this place?

Doing this is hard, so try and start by doing this once a day and go gently.  Over time you’ll begin to learn to do this more but start with once a day. 

Think about how many questions we are asked.  You could start there by responding at least once with honesty.

• How are you?

• What do you think?

• What would you like?

• What shall we do?

Richness 

The Cambridge Dictionary adds another dimension to the idea of authenticity.  In it’s definition it says:  

Authenticity arguably has a further dimension, beyond objects or information, namely richness.

If we can begin to live authentically it helps us to become healthier and to be richer in our lives.

Think about it…

• It’s an effort to keep trying to be someone we’re not.

• It’s not very fulfilling to not be able to yourself.

• It’s hard to feel accepted when we’re not really being ourselves.

Alternatively… 

• It’s often a relief to be honest, even if it’s tough to do it.

• It’s fulfilling to start acting and being like you and to do the things you enjoy doing.

• It’s encouraging when we know we’re being ourselves and find people like it.

Try this …

Try each day to reflect on your day and ask yourself where you feel you truly acted as yourself and were honest in some way – whether words, actions, sharing feelings or something else.  How did it go and how did others react?

Use this as an encouragement to yourself and note down anything you’ve learnt.

Build up a journal over time which helps you understand yourself more.

Authenticity is a very tough thing to achieve and a very challenging thing to try and live by. But when we act a little bit more like us every day it can have a very great impact on our health and wellbeing. Why not give these activities a go and let us know how you got on.

This month on Well? we are going to be thinking about rhythms. 

We live in a rhythmical world – alternating between Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.  We experience rhythms of light and dark in our days.   We are always wired to be rhythmical – to rest and be active, to work and to play.  

These rhythms can help us to understand the nature of life – not to panic when things are tough, not to lose perspective when things are good.  They can also help us when we plan for our wellbeing.

Your health and wellbeing is a life long journey. If we only respond when things get tough we may find life overwhelms us. If we only look after our health and wellbeing at certain times, we may find the unexpected challenges hit us hard.

We have spoken before about having a Wellbeing Toolkit to help us with these rhythms - always having ideas and techniques at our disposal when things get tough.  Check out the video below.

In our Well? package this week we have a number of tools that help us in a rhythmical approach to wellbeing.   In this blog I’ve tried to explore three areas:

• Every day support - something to repeat time and again.

• The quick response - something to do in a few minutes to provide support when you need it.

• The container - what to place your ideas within - the core idea.

In our Shhh… meditation we introduce to a daily breathing exercise.  Having something like this can help us gain perspective and strength each day.   

Part of your rhythm might include an activity that you repeat most days.  This may be a breathing or mindfulness exercise but you may do other things like a daily walk in nature, exercise or yoga class or maybe a creative art like painting or writing.  

ASK YOURSELF …

What’s in your toolkit to be repeated each day?

Sometimes life happens and we don’t have our tried and tested responses to help us. Maybe we’re at work and stopping to do a Breathing exercise or go for a walk isn’t possible. I try to have a few quick response (2-5 mins ideas) to help me.

I use a Stress Ball for this sometimes, pulling it out of my bag and giving it a squeeze – placing the stress into the ball.  Other people use a Mindful exercise to be present where you are.  Maybe you might write something down to express an emotion.  You might take time to sit or bit still and find some calm.  Even having a relaxing herbal tea or lighting a candle can help us stop – just for a minute and find peace.

Today’s audio meditation is another good idea.  The Hand meditation is a quick stop reflection which enables us to remember that the down-days are often followed up fresh up’s and encouragements. 

Ask yourself…

What’s in your toolkit that enables you to stop wherever you are for a moment and find some calm?

We think for wellbeing, the container is self-awareness.

Psychologist Carl Rogers wrote “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The amazing thing is that the road to health and greater wellbeing starts with us being willing to see ourselves exactly as we are. 

Why not take a few minutes today to ask:

• How am I doing and feeling?

• What things are positive that I’m grateful for today?

• What are the areas of challenge where I might need help? 

ADDING TO YOUR TOOLKIT

There are some many other elements that over time might prove useful elements of your toolkit. Gaining support through therapy, joining a discussion group, learning a new skill, volunteering, gardening or sports are just some of the many things people find help build their wellbeing. Try to add what feels right to you over time - remember this is your life and you can allow yourself to chose activities that feel right to you.

For now, try to add something to repeat each day, something for a quick response and a good container to start yourself off. Let us know how you get on.

The Safety to be you

In this week’s blog Ben Harper explores the ways psychological safety can help us to feel safe and secure to be ourselves.

So, a confession….

I like to hang out with people who agree with me. It’s less stressful. Easier. 

I also get more done when I’m not being questioned, challenged, interrupted with alternative viewpoints. But I’ve discovered something which I think I need to also confess. I’m not always right. I sometimes get things wrong; I sometimes misjudge things.

Now this may just be me … but if that resonates at all, the concept of psychological safety which we’re looking at today may be really helpful. Read on.

Psychological safety is the ‘belief that you won't be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes’. It’s a marker in some of the most successful organisations. It’s a marker in some the most successful personal relationships. It’s created when we recognise that we can only ever have a limited viewing point when looking at a situation. It’s created when we recognise that others will be able to see things we can’t.

Psychological safe spaces are needed for us to feel that we can be real, because real people aren’t perfect all the time.  We will also need to create psychologically safe spaces in order for people to be real with us. 

We don’t always get the choice whether or not somewhere feels psychological safe for us or not, but it’s important for our wellbeing that we spend the majority of our time in places where we do have it. Working, living, socialising in spaces that not psychological safe can be stressful and we will need to balance that out by having spaces where we do feel able to real. If that’s your reality, consider what support you have in place to help you.

We do however get to choose whether we create psychological safety for others though; personally and professionally.

Why not try these actions to help create safety …

• Be more curious and invite people to give you their viewpoint by asking more questions and then really listen when they do.

• In response to different viewpoints use phrases like ‘That’s an interesting perspective’, ‘Thanks for that’, ‘I can see what you mean’ before counteracting their view. Even better, don’t counteract their view and say ‘I’ll go away and give that some more thought’ and do!

• Be ready to accept your own mistakes and admit to them. This will make people feel more able to admit theirs. 

• Be ready to work on learning from mistakes rather than attributing blame or fault to yourself or others

These things are attitudes and habits that over time make people feel more and more able to be real with you. I have found, am finding and committed to continuing to find out the benefits of being a psychological safe person. It means I sometimes get less done than I would like, but I’m learning that some people around me are wiser than I ever thought😉

 ‘Seasons come and seasons go’

So goes the phrase, but how we benefit from each season is a little less obvious.

In nature, each season has a function, and each season has its benefits.  Just in the last couple of weeks, I’ve noticed the leaves changing colour, and I don’t see the trees fighting it. The trees know, or seems to know,  on some kind of level, that it’s ok for their leaves to fall. It’s all part of a normal rhythm. 

Today we’d like to invite you to consider where you see parallels between the seasons we see in nature, and things happening in your own life currently.

It may be that you identify most with a particular season overall. It may be that you can see evidence of all four seasons in your life at the moment. Either is fine.  Be encouraged, as you read, that each season has a function, and each has it’ benefits. Also be encouraged that all seasons pass. 

To help you, you might want to take a piece of paper and fold it into four sections, labelling the sections as Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter. Unfold one section at a time, and write down any aspects of life you identify as being like that season. At the end, you could unfold the paper and consider what new awareness this exercise has brought to you.  

Try this …

You could then spend some time considering what might be helpful to do with that new awareness: 

·       You might want to simply accept it as new awareness

·       You might want to consider it further by writing or drawing something in a journal. 

·       You might want to talk to someone about something you’re pleased about or struggling with

·       You might want to make a change in you life; big or small. 

Deep down, you will know what the ‘right response’ is for you. 

SPRING

Spring is all about new life. It’s the start of something, things just starting to grow, early signs of life after the barrenness of winter. It’s often associated with anticipation and hope.

Consider; what new things are beginning for you in this season? Where do you see signs of possibility? What are you excited about? Hopeful for? Spring isn’t the ‘finished article’. Not everything that appears in spring goes onto mature; some things die off in the process. Similarly, there may be things that are possibilities, but not certainties. Choose to hold these lightly, yet gratefully.

SUMMER

Summer is all about flourishing. It’s when things are most alive. There are things that didn’t make it through to this stage; they died off in the process. The things that are here, are things that have fought through adversity and are thriving. 

Consider; where are you thriving at the moment? What are you most enjoying? Where and when are you feeling most alive? The summer season can be intense; there’s a lot happening and we can find it hard to know when and how to stop. Similarly, there may be things we’re loving, that we need to enjoy in moderation so we don’t ‘crash and burn’. Choose to step back and observe as well as participate in these good things.

AUTUMN

Autumn is about harvest – reaping the rewards of hard work, effort, investment. Fruit has appeared, animals are fully grown. Nature has reached its pinnacle. 

Consider; what are you reaping the benefits of at the moment? What things no longer require effort because of the investments and sacrifices made previously? Who and what have helped you to get to where you’ve got to? What does it look like to thank those people? What does it look like to congratulate YOURSELF for the things you’ve achieved? Autumn might also be the season where we discover things that have grown, that we wish hadn’t; things we didn’t weed out when it might have been helpful to do so. Similarly, there may be things we’ve invested in that we wish we hadn’t. We may notice things in our lives that are consequences of poor choices. We need to let go of these things; forgiving ourselves and others.

WINTER

Winter is the time when things seem dormant, or even dead. Trees are empty of their leaves and the colours of nature are somewhat muted. Nature is resting. 

Consider; what seems to be dead or dormant? What hopes and desires do you need to let go of? What do you need a break from?  Winter is also a time of preparation for the next season. Life often carries on under the ground; the animal is hibernation is preserving energy ready to re-emerge in Spring with new life. What is being gained through the loss? What new opportunities could emerge as a result of something ending? What new things might we be making room for? We need to gradually accept loss and embrace what is to be gained.    

TRY THIS ….

Why not download the Season ideas in the PDF below and do this activity at the change of every season.

I am enough

This month we’ve been considering the concept of Understanding Me.

We’ve looked at strategies for self-awareness, we’ve considered how to think about our qualities or a sense of vocation. We’ve also thought about ways other people can encourage us. This has been put together with the idea in mind that when we understand ourselves, we can get a greater sense of who we are and grow in our wellbeing. We’ve found this works.

But one area that can be tough in this discussion is when we are confronted with the areas of our lives, we find tough. If we look in the mirror and we see the places where we struggle or the areas of our character, we find hard, it takes a particular confidence to still feel good.

When life challenges us we can sometimes be reminded of these areas of struggle and can be forgiven for wondering if we can overcome the challenges we face. Here, it’s vital we allow ourselves to hear and understand this simple concept.

That I am enough.

Brene Brown writes this:

“Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown’s basic concept of life is this – that whatever we are good at or not, we are worthy of love and belonging and we (although we may not be perfect) are enough to face every situation.

It’s important to hear what we are saying here through understanding what we are not saying.

No one is perfect. We all have challenges to confront, we all have areas of weakness. This is the nature of being a human being.

But what we can say is that we are enough – we won’t get everything right but we will be enough to overcome.

You are enough to deal with the relationships you’re involved in.

You are enough to overcome challenges.

You are enough to be you in the world.

You are enough to play your part in your community and bring all the qualities you possess.

Our reaction to being enough is sometimes to focus on our weaknesses – surely I’m not enough for this. Yet our weaknesses can shout so much louder than our strengths. We hear the criticisms of the past. We hear all our self-doubts. As a result we can shrink away and feel that we can’t cope.

But despite these challenges you are able to overcome - you have done before, you will again. There is no-one quite like you and no-one able to be better at being you. You have much to offer and a part to play in the world - and no-one has the right to deny you that.

When we think we are enough we can begin to focus on the qualities we have and we can begin to believe that these things can help me through. That I can be enough.

Understanding our language

We are all unique.  Our faces, fingerprints or way of walking sets us apart physically.  But emotionally and mentally we also are very different to each other.  We see things in a different way, think different thoughts, react in different ways. 

At Space to Breathe we believe in the importance of our understanding our language.  We will each have unique ways we process information, how we learn and how we understand.  If we can get grips with this, we can find the best ways to support ourselves.  

Check out these ideas.

How do you learn the best? Think about learning you’ve enjoyed or that’s made an impact - not just school or college but the whole of life - what’s worked well for you? Words, images, sounds, smells. Slow or fast. Talk it out with someone or take some silence.

If we know how we learn we can begin to get the right sort of wellbeing tools in our toolkit to support ourselves. 

There are so many hidden or unconscious thoughts or ideas that can drive us.  Our video called Competence explains how sometimes we can act naturally - being good at something without really knowing how - like riding a bike. But the video also explains how we sometimes act unhealthily without knowing why - maybe a temper or an anxious reaction. If we can understand the hidden things that drive us we can take the uncomfortable but important journey from unhealthy action to competence and health.

Taking time to listen to yourself and your hidden thoughts can impact the way we think about how and why we act the ways we do.

When you listen to something or someone the way you hear is unique. Your own experiences, ideas and emotions will affect what you hear. It’s important to take time to understand our languages and understand what affects what we hear. It's then wonderful to try and listen to another person as they’d like to be heard, rather than mixed with your own experiences and thoughts.

Taking time to understand how you listen helps you understand why we react to certain things in the way we do. It can also make us a better listener in time.

Pressures and Strengths

Knowing yourself is a skill you learn over time. As you begin to practice being still and settled with your own self, or when you learn skills like mindfulness and reflection, or when you become able to understand the way you work - all these processes will help you.

However, nothing can quite beat the impact of the support and feedback of a trusted friend. This exercise aims to do just that.

Step One

Make contact with a friend or family member you really trust. Invite them for a cup of tea and ask whether you can have a mutual conversation about each others wellbeing. The aim of this is provide each other support and to help each person to know themselves a little better.

Step Two

When you meet have time to catch up and become comfortable together. Then the main exercise is this. Ask each person to respond to these two questions, answering about the other person.

When the other person is under pressure - what do they do, how do they act and what do you notice?

When the other person is in a place of strength, joy, success or happiness - what do they do, how do they act and what do you notice?

Take it turns to share about the other person. When you are the subject of the conversation, wait and listen to the others response.

Step Three

Take five minutes to be silent, to ponder the other person’s answers.

Step Four

Questions can now be shared. The aim of this time is not to question the other person’s opinions but instead to learn about myself. Maybe ask yourself “what can I learn about myself from what has been shared.”

A brief note …

This process is a vulnerable one and we would only recommend you do this with someone you really trust. However, doing this with someone else is so valuable as it helps us to hear a different perspective on ourselves and to know ourselves better.

Why not give it a try.

Why should I know myself?

Understanding Me is our theme for this month’s Well? subscription.  Why is this important?  Why is understanding who I am something that can help my wellbeing?  At the start of this month we wanted to give you four reasons why we think this is an important topic. 

Knowledge is change 

The first and most important theme is that we can only really change and grow when we first accept and understand who we are.  Psychologist Carl Rogers puts it like this:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 

So many parts of our own health and wellbeing involve being willing to change and develop those habits which might either make us unhealthier or might improve our health.  Rogers view makes it clear that we begin that process with a knowledge and acceptance of ourselves.

Self-Knowledge is therefore change.

You are unique, and wonderful 

As we begin to understand ourselves, we might begin to notice just how wonderful we are.  We should certainly understand our uniqueness.  

Take a look at your hand and your fingerprints.  Your fingerprints are set as they are in the womb, by the time a fetus reaches 17 weeks. Fingerprint pattern formation consists of two components: developmental and genetic. The ridge pattern development not only depends on genetic factors but also on unique physical conditions. This means everyone’s fingerprints are unique.  Even identical twins (who are genetically similar) will have different fingerprints. 

This shows you’re amazing and also tells us you’re unique.  There is no one like you.

Nobody else lives like you 

As well as no-one being like you physically in certain ways, there are also unique ways that you will process information, think and react.  We do things differently and no one exactly lives like you.

This is important when we think about our health and wellbeing.  A routine or action which helps one person might not help someone else.  It’s important to form your own toolkit, something we’ve shared before at Space to Breathe.   

Honesty is life-changing 

So when we think about self-awareness and understanding ourselves – it’s wonderful to know that being honest with ourselves can be really life-changing.  

It’s hard to be honest.  But when we begin to see ourselves as we are and to see all our strengths and weaknesses in reality – then we can begin to live accordingly.

We often encourage support from others and that’s vital too – but even if it’s too much to begin to think about being honest with others, we can be honest with ourselves – and that can be life changing.

Some more from Einstein 

We’ve talked a lot recently about the wisdom of Albert Einstein and for this week, we’ll leave you with this wonderful quote:

 “Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” 

Lets accept and know who we are, then move forward together.

Curiosity and Wellbeing

So often we are in such a rush.

We are flying from one important job to another. The next demand on our time, the next thing.  Even leisure and rest seems to put demands on us.  We are full.

So what would happen if we stop?  We’ve discussed this before, but right now, why don’t you stop.  Just for a moment.  No tools or techniques, just look out of a window and ask yourself what do you see?

Looking out of my front window as I write this I can see a busy road, cars, people going about their day, others walking, families returning from the school run.  I can see a guy fixing guttering.  I see birds and clouds and trees.  I see plants moving in the breeze.  There is so much.

All these things that are around us are everyday, but every one of them are wonderful and life-giving if we let them.  

Curiosity is key to doing this.

One of the joys of mindful practice is to be present in the now.  We can do that by appreciating what is around and in us and seeing it like new.  To appreciate the meal I’ve eaten.  To appreciate the view I see everyday.  To appreciate those people who’re around me everyday.  

Curiosity is key to doing this.

In order to notice the world around us and to appreciate it as if new, we need to take three steps.

1.     Stop

2.     Look

3.     Be curious

Being curious can look like taking time to ask why and to look hard.  Why is that why it is?  What does that mean?  How does that work? A wonderful world awaits us if we’re willing to be curious.  What is more a healthy world awaits us if we feed that curiosity.

Getting started

You may or may not be naturally curious.  Don’t worry.  Between now and next week’s resources try these tasks:

1.     Appreciate something familiar in a new way.

2.     Indulge a new idea or thought.  Einstein said “the mind that opens to a new idea never returns to it’s original size.”

3.     Take time to investigate something – like why is the sky blue or why do bees like flowers.

4.     Take time to stop and stare at something beautiful for a few minutes.  A tree, a view, a building. 

Curious mind builds wellbeing  

Here at Space to Breathe we think a curious mind builds wellbeing.  If you’re willing to fill yourself up with the sounds, sights and senses of things around you something wonderful will happen. Why not try it. Give the ideas above a go.

The five ways to wellbeing puts it like this.

You can find out more about the Five Ways to Wellbeing here

Curiosity speaks

Logic is good. It gets things done. It uses facts, and dispassionately applies them to achieve an outcome.

But as humans, we need more than this.

We have emotional needs that don’t just use cold hard facts, but take into account the complexity of human emotion. Emotions are not facts, but perceptions, chemical responses to external facts, filtered through the important human needs to feel safe, loved, valued.

Decision making for humans needs to include both facts and feelings. The thing is, I think our modern scientific world can sometimes teach us to value facts over feelings.

As a result, many of us can struggle to understand our feelings and subsequently find it hard to integrate our feelings into our decision making process. 

Metaphor can be a great way of tapping into our emotions.

It allows us to bypass the more logical brain, just for a few moments. A metaphor is a picture or object used to represent something else. We can use it as a way of representing something that we are thinking or feeling. Metaphors can  help us get a better grip on the abstract world of feelings.  

Many great thinkers, writers or teachers have used metaphors as a way of explaining things that would be otherwise hard to grasp. Films and popular songs use them as a way of explaining things similar things. Do you remember these?

So how could we use metaphor this week to help us tap into something deeper, more emotionally true?

TRY THIS..

Using an object or picture, take a few moments to take it in. Notice the details of it. 

Consider how it was made, what was happening in the person’s mind as they made it. 

Consider, what do you like about it? 

Consider, what would you want to change? 

Consider, how is the picture or object is like you or your situation at the moment? 

Consider what this awareness feels like? 

Now consider yourself as the expert. What would you say to someone who had the same new awareness that you just had? 

 Curiosity and Wonder

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” 

WB Yeats, poet

If we foster an ability to be curious then suddenly we’ll become aware of a sense of wonder.

We might not call it that.  We might find it’s taking notice, having our breath taken away by something beautiful or finding the hairs on the back of our neck stand on end.  But whatever we call it, Wonder is a mysterious thing.

The Oxford English Dictionary says that wonder is “a feeling of amazement and admiration, caused by something beautiful, remarkable, or unfamiliar.” 

So how does wonder affect our wellbeing?  Why not try this four step exercise. 

STEP # 1 - STOP 

To appreciate wonder we need to be willing to stop. Its very hard to see things when we’re on the treadmill of the daily rush and everything is coming at us thick and fast. Think of times when you’ve been rushing and met someone in the street. Its very hard to take time to listen to someone when in our mind we’re racing on.

So first step is be willing to stop. That usually requires specific time carved out - maybe to sit still for a while, maybe to go for a walk, maybe to meditate, listen to music or simply be. 

First we need to stop.

STEP # 2 - SEE

Next we need to be willing to see. This isn’t a straightforward thing of using eyes or touch. This is about consciously being willing to see new things that you’ve otherwise taken for granted.

The writer GK Chesterton spoke of a novel he always wanted to write. It was about a brave explorer setting out to see to discover new lands. Days later he comes ashore and is amazed at the beautiful landscape he’s found. He marvels in its beauty and new discoveries. 

But slowly he becomes aware of slight familiarities. He consults his charts and learns that rather than landing on new shores he has simply sailed in a circle and landed ashore two miles for his house. But for that hour, when his mind was focusing on seeing all the new things, he found his familiar home had beauty within it that he’d never seen before.

After being willing to stop, we need to be prepared to see things.

STEP # 3 - CURIOSITY 

Thirdly we need curiosity. Stopping and seeing is limited unless we are prepared to ignite that child-like instinct to be curious. That learning new things, making new discoveries and asking why are wonderful limitless questions. They lead somewhere wonderful.

Be willing to allow yourself to be curious.

STEP # 4 - LETTING ACHIEVING GO FOR A WHILE

The final step is something I’ve found hard but in time very valuable. The instinct when we explore the theme of wonder is always to look for meaning. When I see a new flower or beautiful view - to maybe try and find something meaningful in it, so I’ve achieved. 

But in this process I’ve found it’s important to let worry go. I don’t need to find any meaning or achieve anything tangible here. The meaning is that we discover again that we are part of something bigger, and something beautiful.

Achieving can be picked again later but for now, 

Be willing to let achieving go for a while 

The Lessons of curiosity

In this final blog for this month, I wanted to recap some of our thinking about our subject of curiosity and draw out some key ideas that I hope will help you.

Now the word “lesson” may not inspire you too much. Maybe school is or was a place that wasn’t easy or the idea of learning life lessons is something that fills you with dread rather than hope. So I’d like to use your imagination for a while.

I’m very struck that so many of life’s great discoveries, questions and lessons have come from curiosity. Many of the things we take for granted have come from people who were first willing to be curious and want to find out more.

Ask Questions

On one side of the room is the great thinker of philosopher Voltaire who once said:

“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.”

Questioning is one of the great lessons from our exploration of curiosity. If we are willing to ask ‘why?’ we can discover so many things. We can ask why something exists. We can consider why something has happened. For our wellbeing, a very helpful lesson is to ask why I feel an emotion or why I am anxious about something. Our video this week is called ‘Catch it, Check it, Change it’ and explores exactly that theme.

WHAT IF?

Our next teacher, Michelle Obama wants to add to this idea. In her book ‘Becoming’ she suggests:

“Do we settle for the world as it is, or do we work for the world as it should be?”

If we are willing to ask questions then we can begin to consider possibilities. Sometimes ‘what if?’ can be a question of longing or frustration. However, ‘what if’ and ‘why not’ also have the possibility to unlock a better future for all of us. If we are willing to be positive and consider questions of what if - we can see a better world, we can act on our dreams and we can work for a world that feels better for us.

Our audio reflection looks at this idea today.

AMAZING PEOPLE AND AMAZING WORLD

Here, two more teachers raise their voice. Writer and author Ray Bradbury shares with us:

“We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.”

Then poet WB Yeats adds another idea, that:

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”

These are wonderful lessons. That we can consider and see the beauty of the world around and the incredible wonder of the human beings we share life with. If we begin to practice this each day we can begin to understand the concept of “taking notice” which is one of MIND’s Five Ways to Wellbeing.

We can also begin to cultivate a sense of gratefulness from our curiosity, something that is now proven to have a positive effect on our wellbeing (Harvard Health.)

Authenticity

We leave our final lesson to Brene Brown. Brene is someone who inspires us here at Space to Breathe and who we’ve referred to often. In her book ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ she raises a wonderful idea which she brings to our classroom now.

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Being authentic is a very important but very scary element of growing in our wellbeing. Key to this idea though is being able to be honest and see ourselves clearly. Curiosity helps us here as we are able to be interested enough in the details of our own lives and to be mindful of them - that we can then share them with others, so we “let our true selves be seen.”

The wonder we see in curiosity is not just nature, the world or in others, its also the wonder of who you are. You are worthy to be see too.

LESSONS FROM CURIOSITY

Well I hope this lesson has been enjoyable. Our teachers - Voltaire, Michelle Obama, Ray Bradbury, WB Yeats and Brene Brown have taught us four ideas from curiosity:

• That asking questions helps us in our wellbeing.

• That what if and why not are the beginnings of a better future.

• That wonder leads to taking notice and gratefulness.

• That authenticity is a recognition of the wonder of us as well as seeing the wonder of others.

I hope these four ideas can help you grow and flourish in your own wellbeing too.

Seeing Unseen Thoughts

the wonders of thought & the brain

Human beings apparently have around 60,000 thoughts a minute.

For comparison, 60,000 is the capacity of Arsenal’s Emirates stadium in London and represents two thirds of Wembley’s capacity – that’s a lot of thoughts!

Now to be clear, many of those thoughts are largely unformed, unstructured and probably unimportant. But some of them become my conscious thoughts and they in turn dictate my actions.

It seems important therefore to understand the process my brain is going through to sift each of those 60,000 thoughts, and how it’s choosing which of those should become my more conscious thoughts. It goes something like this…

• The body is constantly exposed to various smells, sights, tastes, sounds and textures; as I sit here typing at my laptop, the letters that appear on my screen, combined with the sound of the birds outside my window, the faint smell of my coffee cup and the feeling of being a bit hot and sticky, are all things my brain is responding to; consciously and unconsciously.

• Exposure to these things trigger chemical reactions in my brain.

• Those chemical reactions look for existing pathways in my brain. If none exist, the initial reaction is discarded, unless the reaction keeps happening, and then a new pathway is forged

• The pathways those chemicals pass along, create the more conscious thoughts and responses; I think ‘I should open a window’, ‘I need to top up my coffee cup’, ‘What time is it?’, ‘Does google know everything?’

• Some of these thoughts, I get on board with, and subsequently act on. Others, I let pass by.

The thing about all of this, is that is all unseen. It’s happening in the background.

I wonder how many other things are going on in the background that are also unseen, yet significant?

I look out to my garden and ponder how much is currently happening, despite looking apparently still.

I ponder my Bluetooth speaker and the music it’s currently playing; how is it doing that?

I see my now fresh cup of coffee sat on my desk, and ponder the unique blend of ground beans, water and milk that have formed into this ‘oh so delicious’ drink.

I notice again the words appear on my screen as I tap on my keyboard, and ponder the technology behind that.

The world, nature, technology, and you are beautifully complex and wonderful ‘machines’. Yet so much of what they do is taken for granted.

Be curious about the background

Why not take a moment now to slow your brain down, and be curious about how things are working in the background? Notice the unseen beauty of nature, technology and even your own body.

TRY THIS

Why not take a moment to notice more intentionally the smells, sights, tastes, sounds and textures around you and consider how they’re making you consciously and unconsciously respond? Maybe this awareness will make you choose to change your reaction.

Why not choose to slow down and observe your thoughts more closely? Recognise each thought as you would passing traffic. Consider more intentionally which thoughts to ‘hop on board’ with, and which to let just pass by.

Playfulness by Ben Harper

What does the word ‘playfulness’ mean to you? What other words, pictures, feelings come into your head when you hear the word?

Why not take a moment to write anything down that you feel.

When I was thinking about this, two words that came up in my thesaurus that appealed to me were “Frolicsomeness” and “Merrymaking.” I like these words!

For me, play is about exploration, creativity, fun, being free from the need to be ‘productive’. 

The place of play is firmly recognised as important for our littlest people as a way of helping them to discover, learn, grow and feel good. But I don’t think play is a childish pursuit.  Play is important for all of us. It stimulates our mind, releases endorphins which make us feel good, and I believe, helps to build relationship with others.

Play is an essential part of our recharging process.

When we share fun experiences with others, it creates lasting bonds. 

We’ve created a little sheet with some questions and activities to get you thinking about Playfulness. You can download it below. It asks:

• Who are the best ‘playmates’ in your life?

• Can you schedule in some time for play with these friends in the next week?

The sheet gives loads of ideas and a chance for you to respond. Download it and print it out below.

Carpe Diem

The Latin phrase ‘Carpe Diem’ which translated means ‘Seize the day’ is oftentimes used as an encouragement for us to seize the opportunities of the moment and give little thought to the future. It’s a worthy encouragement to those of us who are more inclined to be reserved or cautious.

Philosopher Eckart Tolle tells us that the only thing that is truly real is the present and we really should make the most of it. 

By contrast, ‘Carpe Cras’ translated means ‘seize tomorrow’. I think this builds on rather than distracts from ‘Carpe Diem’.

Tomorrow is full of yet unrealised possibilities. Possibilities that are perhaps only limited by our level of imagination, self-belief and sometimes our bank account. The reality is our tomorrow starts today. The choices we make today are investments in tomorrow; whether for good or bad. 

One thing we can’t do is ‘Carpe Heri’; seize yesterday. That’s gone. Unalterable. Irrevocable. Sure, we can do things to correct the errors of yesterday, but we can’t undo them.

So we have today. And we have tomorrow. 

Every year, many of us invest a lot of energy into starting over in January, believing that there’s some kind of magic that happens between 11:59pm on 31st December and 12:01 on 1st January. Usually by this point of January, we have a more realistic view of this magic. It’s not that there’s no ‘magic’ at all, it’s just that it doesn’t hang around exclusively at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve. The ‘magic’ of the possibility for change is available ‘today’ and also ‘tomorrow’. It has already expired on ‘yesterday’.

So, as we approach the end of the first month of the year, what possibilities, opportunities are there for next month and the month after?

What does it look like for you to ‘carpe diem’ so you can ‘carpe cras’?    

TRY THIS… 

• What do you know today that you didn’t know yesterday?

• And what did you know yesterday that you didn’t know the day before? 

Someone once said that ‘everyday’s a school day’ referring to the learning opportunities that are present in every day, and I think there is some truth in that.  

Ben Harper is Space to Breathe’s Education Lead, you can carry on the conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach

Positive and Challenging people

By Ben Harper

Let’s be honest. Being with some people energises me. Being with some other people drains my batteries! That’s ok. 

Some people ‘get us’, we ‘get them’. They inspire us, encourage us, make us laugh, and are then when we cry, and we do the same for them. These people are a joy to be with. We need these people.

We also need those that aggravate us, wind up us up the wrong way, see the world differently from us. This stretches us, causes us to see beyond our limited worldview and make us more rounded and compassionate people. 

But we do need less of these people. Spending too much time hanging out with people who ‘get on our nerves’ will drive us to total distraction, and that’s not good for our wellbeing!

• Spend some time considering who your positive people are. Jot their names down, and spend a moment being grateful for them, and what they bring to your life. 

• Spend some time considering those that are more challenging to be around. Jot their names down, and spend a moment being grateful for them, and what they bring to your life.

It will be draining for you to spend too much time around the people who are challenging. That’s ok. We don’t need to best friends with everyone, but we should choose to be nice, polite and grateful for what people like this bring to our lives. 

Now consider …

How you might manage you time to ensure your level of battery charge remains at an acceptable level to you. Schedule in time with positive people after spending time with those who are more challenging, minimise time with those that are more challenging or reminding yourself of the benefits the challenging people bring. 

It’s ok to feel drained. It’s ok to find space to recharge. 

The Power of Stopping

To stop is to be brave. Stopping means relinquishing your control, influence, effect on the world around you. It’s trusting that everything and everyone around will get on ‘just fine’ without your intervention. It means trusting that you are ‘an ok person’ despite your lack of activity.

When the pandemic first hit last year, it caused one of the greatest ‘stops’ our generation has ever known, at a time when the pace of our world was faster than it has ever been. It forced many of us to stop working, stop holidaying, stop meeting up with friends and family, stop shopping for all but essentials. For some, these things remain true even now.

Many of us avoid stopping. We’re more comfortable ‘doing’ than ‘being’. But not stopping can mean we avoid, deny and hide the challenges we may be facing.

Our innate survival instincts mean that our brains are wired to avoid ‘difficult stuff’ and seek comfort in things that help us to avoid that’s stuff; food, alcohol, shopping, general busyness, exercise. None of these are bad in and of themselves, but can be if used in excess.

Stopping doesn’t have to be scary or threatening though. We can help our brains to become more comfortable with stopping by training them to not always associate stopping with threat. Here are a few of suggestions of how to do that:

• Stop with others – create time and space where you sit in quiet with other people. This can be hugely powerful as you ‘hold’ the space for one another.

• Stop and notice – just look around and notice how many different shades of a particular colour you can see, tune into the sounds both near and far away and take a deep inhale of breath and appreciate the smells around you. This time of year lends itself to been done in a garden, on a balcony or out in the countryside

• Stop and self affirm – many of us are flooded with negative self talk or nagging to do lists as soon as we stop. Overwrite the script in your head by choosing to say positive things to yourself like ‘I’m doing ok’, ‘I am enough as I am’, ‘I’m trying my best today’, ‘I’m loved and lovable’.

• Stop and be grateful – take a moment to look back through your day so far and consider all the things that have been good. Relive the moments in your head and let them bring a smile to your face for a second time.

I wonder which of these suggestions you like the most?

I wonder which of these suggestions you’ve done before?

I wonder which of these suggestions you could give a go in the next few days?

We challenge you to stop this week; for five minutes, an hour or even a few hours. Let us know your experiences; good and bad. Let us know if there’s any impact on the time that follows stopping.

Recharge

This month we’re thinking about ways to recharge our batteries. We all have those days and times where we feel drained, tired or empty - how do we recharge to ensure our wellbeing is maintained and so that we can feel energised again?

We have often used this simple image of a snow globe to think about how we respond when life shakes us up due to stresses, troubles or pressures.

In tough or stressful times, we are always tempted to try and sort things out whilst troubles are going on. But what the snow globe shows us is that we need time to rest when life shakes us up. We need to give time for the glitter to settle.

This practice of giving time is often called ‘grounding’ and is a great way for us to recharge our batteries. Why not try this simple practice when life gets stressful.

Rest

First of all, take a moment to rest. This could be a long period of time or a few minutes. However, stopping and resting is always a good start to a recharging process. It helps us to put our feet back off the ground or to get off the treadmill of life.

Try stopping and sitting still for 2 minutes when life gets stressful. Focus on your breathing and find some calm.

REFOCUS

Next try and refocus your attention on any positives you can find. We are wired as human beings to notice danger and to see the negative aspects of life. Changing your focus to positive things helps you feel more hopeful, helps you see the future in a positive light and will recharge your batteries.

Try finding three things to be grateful for when you’re feeling worried or stressed.

RECHARGE

How do you gain strength? Think back to times when you’ve felt worn out in the past. What gave you renewed energy? What helped you to restore yourself? These things will be important in a process of recharging. Maybe it’s about getting outside. Maybe calling a friend. Maybe enjoying a pastime. This again can be short or long times.

Try doing something that gives you strength when you feel drained. Make time for this regularly in your diary.

RECHARGING YOUR BATTERIES

Throughout this month, we’re going to be thinking about and sharing ways you can recharge your battery. For starters though, why not try this three stage process - to rest (stop), to refocus (find positives) and to recharge (gain strength.)

Let us know how it goes.

Nature and Wellbeing Meditations

We use nature as a focus for curiosity, as a place of peace and as an opportunity for meaning in our Mindful meditations. The following might be inspiring/useful.

The Three P’s

A Wellbeing Blog

This month we’ve been considering the concept of positive wellbeing. How can we grow in our emotional health and even begin to flourish as a person?

We’ve considered techniques like regular gratefulness or the ‘Power of Positivity.’ We’ve looked at having depth not breadth in our relationships through the Wellbeing triangle as a model for wellbeing - balancing self, others and a sense of the other.

This week I want to encourage us to consider 3 P’s …

• Being present

• Perspective

• Our passions

being present

Central to healthy wellbeing is an ability to live in the present.

Sadly, as much as we’d like to, we can’t effect the past or the future. The past has gone, what has has happened has happened. The future is yet to be lived - we can plan for it but we can never know for certain what might happen and we certainly can’t control it.

Living in the present means we can be here now, enjoy the moment and take more positive feelings from living life. Even in tough times, the present is the only place where we can really make any changes.

Ask yourself - what is happening for me right now? How might I take it seriously, live that moment and even enjoy it?

If you want to explore this further, try this Mindful exercise.

PERSPECTIVE

One of the things being present does is that it can give us perspective.

When we are in the middle of a situation it’s hard to see it as it really is. We are affected by it’s emotions and the feelings we have may make it harder for us to know what to do. Perspective gives us the ability to find a little distance and to see things from a different perspective - a little like a bird flying about something see’s it differently to when we might see something on the ground.

Think about a problem you’re facing … find a new perspective on it by:

• asking a friend for advice.

• going for a walk and taking some time to think clearly.

• leaving it for a day and coming back to it when you’re calmer.

Watch this week’s film Small Me, Big Planet for more inspiration.

YOUR PASSIONS

What are you passionate about? What gets you out of bed in the morning or motivates you to try again? What things do you love to do? What big dreams do you have?

Part of who you are is made up by the passions you have …

Listen to our audio reflection this week to find out more.

Growing your wellbeing

So there you have three tools to try this week. Practice being present, in everyday circumstances, enjoying the most that life can bring. Think about things with perspective, trying to see everything that is going on. Lastly consider your passions - those things that give you energy - and find more time for them in your life.

Let us know if these are helpful to you and how they’ve benefited you. We’d love to know.

Depth not breadth

Restrictions are gradually easing and the opportunity to meet more freely with friends and family is finally going to be possible again. For many people, this will be a huge relief, but there are also those who are dreading this.

On a scale of relief to dread, I wonder where you are?

Truth is, many of us will have mixed feelings. The last year has been restrictive, but there’s also been something much simpler about life without all the social engagements. It’s made us focus in on key relationships more than ever, and in a world where you have to choose which bubble to be part of, we’ve had to choose carefully. 

For me, the last year has shown me who I really do want to spend time with. That’s not to say, there aren’t people I’ve really missed, but it’s helped me to be much clearer about who my ‘key people’ are. This is no bad thing.   

There’s a theory that we can only maintain around 5 close relationships and around 15 other friends. I have in excess of 700 ‘friends’ on Facebook, but these kind of ‘friendships’ have no depth to them.  My 700 is made up of people I went to school with and haven’t seen for over 20 years, people I met on holiday once, and in a quick check just now, a woman I lived near for 3 months and spoke to twice!

This ‘breadth’ of friendships doesn’t mean I have depth, and it’s the deep connections that we need more of in order to thrive in life. It’s a basic human need, that if unmet can be as damaging to our as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to a study done by the British Red Cross and the Co-Op in 2016.

The challenge is that connection with others isn’t straight forward. Connection with others is one of our core basic human needs, and so when we seek it out, the stakes are high. Every attempt at connecting has the potential to fail as well as succeed which means we need a certain amount of confidence to seek it out.  

One of the ways we can decrease the risk is by only investing in connections with a minimal amount of emotional energy/time/effort. This ‘play it safe’ approach means we never stand to lose too much. But this doesn’t really create the kind of enriching connections we need. Real connection happens when we invest that bit more, that bit more often. It happens when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others, honest about our triumphs and our failures, honest about our hopes and our dreams, honest about what we want and need. The stakes here are bigger, the potential to be hurt greater, but so are the potential rewards and benefits. 

Many of our modern methods of communication create opportunities for us to connect with minimal investment; looking at someone’s social media feed rather than meeting up face to face, sending a message rather than making the call, declaring our strong opinions in an email rather than engaging in respectful dialogue and debate. 

Connecting with others is important for our wellbeing and something that needs our investment if we are to live well, fully and deeply. It will take risk, but the risks will pay off in the end. 

And so, as restrictions ease, let’s consider what kind of re-connections we want. It would be easy to jump back to attending all the same groups, seeing all the same people, doing all the same activities we did before, driven by a desire to regain the ‘normality’, we’ve all been craving. But maybe there’s an opportunity to create a new normal which invests in less people, more deeply. It will have its costs, but also its rewards.  

A moment to reflect

I wonder what stands out to you most in what you’ve just read?

I wonder what the most important thing is for you to take from here?

I wonder what one small action you might take today to respond to this?

I wonder what one small action you might take in the coming week to respond to this?

Preferences

A Blog by Ben Harper

Are you left handed or right handed? Do you prefer Apple or Android? Jazz or Pop?

Does it make a difference?

Well it makes a difference to you, especially if you’re been asked to endure the opposite to your preference.

It was not that long ago that children were berated by teachers for being left handed, and forced to write with their right hand, something that is still common in certain parts of the world. We have a more enlightened view, and see our hand dominance as a preference not a indicator of anything else.

And think of the passionate debates that are created around the virtues of Apple and Android – this stuff really matters to people.

The thing is, most of us CAN operate outside of our preference if we have to. But to do so, requires more energy, more conscious thought, more conflictedness.

In order to be well, to flourish, it’s good for us to make sure we’re spending MOST of our time working WITHIN our preference. It’s the space we feel most ourselves, the most congruent, the most comfortable.

The unique way we think, operate, interrelate is valuable to the world around us - we should never apologise for our preferences, and similarly never make anyone apologise for theirs. We need to find ways of using our preferences to our advantage, and the advantage of others. Simple things like whether we’re more of a morning person, or evening person, more of an indoors person or an outdoors person, more of an introverted thinker or extroverted thinker. All of these have their benefits, and none are better than any other. Spending time doing things within our preferences will bring us life, energy, motivation.

So consider your day today:

What shifts would be needed in the short term, medium term, longer term to mean you’re spending more time doing things that are most you?

If you made these changes you’d probably look at life more positively and your wellbeing would definitely receive a positive boost.

Think about where you operate well, what your preferences are.

Why not let us know your thoughts on this blog, message us via Instagram, Twitter or Facebook below. You can carry on the conversation with Ben on his Twitter page @wellbeingteach.

PLANNING FOR WELLBEING

Like most things in life, we usually make plans and come up with strategies in response to something happening. Maybe a pipe has burst in your bathroom. You call a plumber, make a plan and respond. Maybe you’re planning a holiday. You decide to do it, then go on a booking website, find the holiday and arrange it. We respond when we are ready.

Often we take the same response to our wellbeing. We realise we are struggling with a challenge - maybe anxiety or depression - and then we make a plan. We act in response.

The funny thing is that the best time to plan for a crisis is when you’re well - when you’re doing well and thriving. There your thinking is clearest and the pressure is off.

So in this article we’d like to encourage you to make a very simple plan to support your wellbeing.

Often when life challenges hit us we can be taken by surprise by them but we can also think and plan simply and securely, so that when difficulties arise we know something of how we can respond.

FIRST STEPS

Get hold of some paper and pen, make yourself a drink and give yourself some time to reflect on how you’re doing.

Start with the question “what does being well look like?” List five things against this heading.

WHAT DOES BEING WELL LOOK LIKE?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5

This gives you a sense of what a healthy and thriving you looks like. It allows you to know what you’re talking about.

Then ask who or what helps my wellbeing and who or what hinders my wellbeing.

WHO AND WHAT HELPS MY WELLBEING?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5

WHO AND WHAT HINDERS MY WELLBEING

1.

2.

3.

4.

5

This is where the planning begins. We begin to see what helps our wellbeing - people, space, creativity, reflection, food, sports. Make time for each of these things in your weekly life. Make sure they are a priority.

When we look at what hinders wellbeing, this list is our warning light. When we see too much of this in our life we know things might become hard.

Finally, try and answer the following questions to put some plans in place.

WHEN I’M STRUGGLING IN MY WELLBEING, WHO CAN I ASK FOR HELP?

WHAT REGULAR PRACTICE WILL HELP ME WITH THE WELLBEING CHALLENGES I STRUGGLE WITH?

WHAT ONE THING CAN I DO TO SPEND MORE TIME/FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT HELP MY WELLBEING?

There may be other questions and areas you begin to think about. How are your diet, sleep or exercise? What are the particular challenges that affect you e.g. stress.

Write down your plan and keep it somewhere safe. Why not discuss it with a friend too?

As ever we’d love to know how you get on.

The Vulnerability of Taking Stock

Article by Andy Freeman

Thanks so much for joining in with Well? over the past month.

We’ve been considering the subject of Taking Stock - something which is very close to my heart.

Reflecting on yourself, on your past and future and developing health habits of self-reflection - these are hard tasks. It’s far from easy to look at yourself with honesty and to see not just the positives but also areas of challenge as well. No one really see’s this honest you and many of us hide our real selves even in our own thoughts and consciousness.

In 2017 we ran a little campaign called The Silence Challenge. We encouraged participants to spend 5 minutes in silence each day and repeat the exercise for a month. We simply suggested “see what happens.”

What emerged surprised and fascinated me. Many people enjoyed times of silence and peace. For a lot of people this had been a common practice before the campaign. However, for those doing this for the first time they also became aware of their inner voice and thoughts - and for some this was hard.

Melville (2006) talks about silence being an opportunity to hear what he calls “self-generated cognition” or to listen to our “inner monologue.” It’s literally a place where we can hear ourselves think.

For participants in the Silence Challenge this was both beautiful and challenging. People began to hear their own joy and happiness but also their insecurities. This was a safe place, but a vulnerable one.

And that vulnerability brings me to the theme of Taking Stock.

Reflecting inwards on yourself and becoming aware of where you are and what you are feeling is vulnerable.

As I reflect on myself in 2021 I find I’m growing in confidence and becoming happier with myself. However, as I reflect I also see the areas of my life where even at 51, I feel I need to learn a lot. It is hard to see these things. Why can’t I master that part of my character or come to terms with that weakness. To see that I’m not perfect is a vulnerable place - but it is also a strong place.

Firstly this kind of vulnerability is strong because it grows self-awareness. As we’ve mentioned many times on this website - if we become self-aware then we can change and grow. It is only when I accept myself as I am that I am then able to flourish, grow and change.

Secondly this kind of vulnerability is strong because it is humble. It realises that even though I love and accept myself, I have areas of weakness. It means I can be more aware in those places and realise sometimes the right thing to do is say sorry. This vulnerability is honest and real.

Thirdly this kind of vulnerability is strong because out of it relationships are formed. I really encourage you to watch Brene Brown’s TED talk featured in this week’s resources. She cites the power of vulnerability as the place where good healthy relationships start.

Vulnerability is a hard, open and tough place to be. But it’s worth it.

We hope these resources and ideas that we’ve featured this month will take you on a vulnerable, honest but hopefully healthy and joyful journey to learn more of yourself and to accept yourself as you are. Taking stock of who we are and reflecting on ourselves in honesty is a vital step in our journey of flourishing.

I’ll leave you with a few words from Brene Brown on this subject.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

Brene Brown

HABITS

An article by Bryce Tangvald

Bryce is a placement student working with Space to Breathe and this week he’s helped create some of the content for Well? Thanks Bryce for sharing your wisdom with us.

For Me, the place that I reflect most effectively upon my own mental health is in natural environments such as my garden. I like to practise the discipline of "paying attention", which some people might recognise as "mindfulness".

As we spend time in nature, observing the living things, plants, insects and animals, we begin to notice particular characteristics of each individual thing.

Take plants for example:

I find it amazing when I recognise the regularity of how most plants grow. It's as if they have learned this pattern of life that allows them to mature healthily.

Likewise, in our life experiences, we can take on "rhythms of life", regular practices and habits that are life-giving and affirming to our well-being. Though for humans, this process of learning may be less instinctive than for plants.

Over time we can learn to meditate and reflect toward a practice of "Taking Stock" of the rhythms of our own life.

We might begin this process from a macro perspective, as we ask ourselves, "What traditions have I returned to year after year?" 

Perhaps there are certain holidays or family events that happen at particular times of year that you look forward to.

Then, drawing our reflection closer, we might ask what monthly or even weekly practices have been personallylife-giving.

These might be recognised as feeding your Physical, Mental, Emotional or Spiritual health.

Try this …

Take your reflection to the daily level by reflecting on all of those things you do on a daily basis - maybe eating or going to the toilet or waking up. Are there some wellbeing practices you might link to these daily actions?

For example a friend of mine reminds himself that time in the bathroom can be a short time to meditate or be still.

One daily activity we do engage in is thought. Try paying attention to the minute by minute, second by second details of your thoughts. You could do this through a Mindfulness activity which we’ve shared how to do earlier (follow this link for more.)

What split second thoughts and prayers do you find yourself regularly coming back to on a regular basis? Some of our thoughts come to us almost without knowing it, like the rhythm of our breathing. Are these thoughts helpful or harmful for you?

• In each of these reflections, do you recognise patterns in these aspects of your life?

• What regular habits have been uplifting and life-giving?

• Conversely, what patterns do you find yourself wanting to leave behind?

It is helpful and healthy to acknowledge that we all pick up and carry unwanted luggage as we progress through the journey of life and to realise that it's alright to prune the unhealthy or damaging habits from our lives.

This is all part of the practice of Taking Stock in order to recognise the life-giving rhythms of our day to day practices.

You might consider developing personal meditative habit, such as the one outlined above, of asking yourself some or all of these questions on a regular basis.

You could start this week, perhaps with a pen and paper to hand to journal the things that you observe, the things from your own life that come to mind as you go through each reflection.

Why not have a go at some of these ideas and let us know how you got on.

Taking Stock - What Would My Friends Say?

This month we look at the subject of ‘Taking Stock.’

The Collins English dictionary describes the phrase as:

“to pause to think about all the aspects of a situation or event before deciding what to do next”

This seems a good definition. When we think of taking stock in a wellbeing setting we are thinking about those times when we take time for ourselves and consider how life is.

Taking Stock of our wellbeing might mean that we follow this simple process of reflection.

• Pause: stop for 5 minutes and find some space to be still.

• Think: spend some conscious time thinking about how you are and how things are going.

• Consider ‘all aspects’ of things - your emotions and feelings but also how your body is, how your soul is, what life means to you right now.

• Do something - what one action might you take from your time of Taking Stock?

new perspective

Now that all sounds a lot simpler than it is in practice. Sometimes it’s very hard to pause and think about life. How can I realistically take in all aspects of things? And doing something is always much harder than it sounds.

One useful approach is consider things from someone else’s perspective. We are usually much better at helping friends than we are at helping ourselves. But what if you imagining sharing about your wellbeing with a friend. What might they say?

I sometimes imagine a conversation with a trusted friend as a way of taking stock.

As I pause, think and consider everything I imagine sharing those details with the friend I have in mind. I then ask what would they say in response?

Why not give it a try?

1. Pause and think about your wellbeing.

2. Consider everything about it and imagine telling a friend or even writing a letter to them?

3. Then think, what would they say in response?

4. What does their response teach you about life right now?

THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WITH ME

There are two wonderful pieces of wisdom we’ve discovered on our journey as an organisation.

Firstly we’ve learnt that gratefulness and gratitude help our sense of wellbeing to grow and help us to recover from depression or sadness.

Secondly we’ve learnt that part of discovering our own wellbeing is learning to be open and vulnerable to others around us in authentic relationships.

Therefore when we take stock of our lives and particularly looking at our present, a sense of gratitude for those who are with us is a wonderful way to reflect and flourish.

In this article I’m going to ask you to think of three people you’re grateful for and then take three simple steps.

What next

Take a moment to reflect on your family, friends, neighbours or work colleagues. Think of three people you are grateful for at the moment.

1. For each person, consider one thing you’re especially grateful for about them. Maybe it’s their kindness or their sense of loyalty. Maybe it’s something else. Think of one thing for each person.

2. Have a think about how you might communicate this to this person? Could you send an encouraging text? Buy a gift to say thank you? Maybe write a letter or give them a call?

3. Spend time reflecting on these three people with gratefulness. Maybe this poem (The Gentle Rhythm of Togetherness) might help you.

Poem by Andy Freeman, read by James Fox-Robinson. Video by Contemplative Owl.

Using the Johari Window by Ben Harper

In 1955, American psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham were researching group dynamics as part of their work at the University of California Los Angeles. They noticed that group dynamics were impacted greatly by people’s ability to know themselves, and were keen to find a way of helping people to understand themselves differently. They noticed that individuals can be ‘experienced’ in different ways and proposed that each of us can be looked at through four different window panes. This model has come to be known as the ‘Johari window’, named so by taking the first part of both of the psychologists first names (Jo and Harry)

The Johari window looks like this:

They suggest that our relationship with ourselves and others can be greatly improved by increasing our open/free area by…

o   Opening up our hidden area, 

o   Decreasing our blind area

o   Discovering more about our unknown area

This process involves inviting feedback from others, which you may or may not feel ready for!

The thing is, growing in self awareness is an important aspect of our wellbeing. Only when we know ourselves more fully, can we better manage ourselves. Likewise, allowing ourselves to be more known by others, increases the quality of our relationships.

This is not about oversharing on facebook, this is about being authentic and real with those we do life with in a way that creates deeper connection between both parties.

One simple and positive way to approach this exercise is to take a look at the words below (or on the PDF to download at the bottom) and consider which ones you consider to be true for you.

What to do now…

Either using this webpage or downloading and using the PDF below:

1. Consider the “descriptors” below - are they things only you see e.g accepting or are they things others experience you to be like e.g. confident.

2. Consider which of the four window panes the words belong in. Then ask some of your close friends and family to look at the same list and pick out words they think describe you. Were these things you saw in yourself? Maybe these things have been in the blind area until now?

3. Consider is there any aspect of your character that you wish others saw? These are things that are currently in your hidden area. How can you start to show this to people more?

4. Come back to this exercise again and reflect further after some time.

We hope this helps your process of self reflection. Let us know how it goes.

Creating Space for Others

By Andy Freeman & Ben Harper

When we consider creating space for our wellbeing, one thing we might not think of initially is making space for others. Maybe wellbeing and mindfulness suggests a solitude or a working alone which is only half the picture.

In our wellbeing triangle we emphasise the idea that authentic connection with other people is a key part of how we flourish. We need to understand ourselves, we seek some sense of other for strength or inspiration but we also know we grow through knowing other people.

When was the last time you consciously made space for friends? When we are busy it’s hard to prioritise things like a socially distant walk or a chat via phone or video call. These times through are often crucial as we share our lives with trusted people and see that we grow and we also give to others.

In recent weeks I’ve been blessed by the kindness of others as I responded to a tough time in my life. It reminded me of the training Ben gives to people on our Soulful Wellbeing Days about the languages with which we receive and give support. Ben writes:

We usually grow in relationship with people we appreciate in some way. They give us something we value or need; laughter, wisdom, care, understanding. For those we most appreciate, we will naturally find ourselves expressing that appreciation, but are we speaking the right language?

When I first came across Gary Chapman’s concept of ‘love languages’, it was like a revelation. We also find this concept really resonates with people at our school staff ‘Soulful Wellbeing’ days.

Chapman suggests that there are five different ways people communicate their love and appreciation to one another. Each of us have a preference.

We are most likely to express our appreciation in the way we’d like appreciation shown to us. The problem with this? It can be like speaking different languages. We, at Space to Breathe, refer to these languages as ‘languages of connection’ to emphasise the importance of connection with others in supporting our wellbeing.   We think it has an application for the home, workplace and our communities.

The key is to understand our own preference, recognise people’s efforts when they speak in a different language and work towards becoming ‘multi-lingual’ in the way we communicate our appreciation. 

CREATE SPACE

Take some space & time now to consider your friends, family or those who you have trusting relationships with. Could you make some space today to reach out to someone? How can you care for them in their language of connection? How might you receive from them in yours.

Read about the five languages of connection below and have a chat with about what theirs is and how your language of connection works.

Becoming multi-lingual can make more of our relationships more satisfying for both parties. It empowers us to receive and show appreciation in ways that simply ‘make more sense’. It allows us to appreciate one another more fully. It grows our sense of connection with others. 

SPACE FOR STRENGTH

This article forms the basis of a reflective conversation with a friend, family member or colleague. Choose someone you can talk to easily

We’d like to encourage you to use this three step process to explore those people around you who give you strength.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

Lao Tzu

STEP ONE: SPACE TO CHAT

Find some space and time to chat with a friend. Begin by talking about the idea of inner strength. This is not about physical strength, muscles or weights. This is that inner strength that enables you to keep going, to overcome tough times, to be clear and focused, to love deeply even when obstacles exist.

STEP TWO: THOSE WHO GIVE ME STRENGTH

Think about the last few months and year. As you reflect on these extraordinary times, who has given you strength and support. Talk about examples where a person has really helped you. Maybe this is a supportive friend or family member. Maybe this is something you’ve read or watched - maybe even a person you don’t know. Maybe a Key Worker or Health Carer has kept you going and supported you. Maybe you’ve been inspired by the generosity of someone else.

STEP THREE: STRENGTH RISING

What are the times you’ve experienced inner strength? Where did it come from and what did it look like? What enables you to find strength in life?

Writer and explorer Erling Kagge has written a wonderful book called “Silence.” In it, he describes his experiences of journeying alone through Antarctica. He had no radio, no company, just him and the silence. To Kagge, this journey taught him about what he calls “the new luxury” - to be still.

Our world is very active and very noisy. From daybreak to sunset there are things to do, things happening. We hear the noise of cars, of industry, of activity. Lockdown has maybe taught us some different things and the lessening of this activity has brought some interesting results.

In Llandudno for example, the reduction of human activity has brought the Great Orme Mountain Goats into the town centre. They are now a regular feature, although residents are noticing a reduction in the quality of their lawns and hedges as a result.

As things became quieter, other parts of the environment became more alive.

Erling Kagge recognised on his journey the importance of silence and stillness. In this place he could only experience the sound of his feet and sled, the sound of his breathing and the company of his thoughts.

He came home rejuvenated and wrote his book to inspire others to this same journey to stillness, but from their own homes and environments.

“I believe it's possible for everyone to discover this silence within themselves. It is there all the time, even when we are surrounded by constant noise. Deep down in the ocean, below the waves and ripples, you can find your internal silence. Standing in the shower, letting the water wash over your head, sitting in front of a crackling fire, swimming across a forest lake or taking a walk over a field: all these can be experiences of perfect stillness too. I love that.”

How can I be still?

Being still is a tough practice. When you sit, lie down, walk or stand with the idea of doing nothing three things immediately happen:

• You become distracted.

• You feel uncomfortable.

• You begin to notice things and remember things.

All these three things normally lead us to get up, not be still and instead tackle another task or give it up as a bad job. But … what if we preserve?

A silence challenge

I’d like to give you a little challenge. How about trying to be still and silent for 5 minutes each day for one week and to see what happens? Try this each time.

• Find a relaxed position to sit down. Sit in a space where you’ll be able to be still for a few minutes. (This might be hard with kids or pets or other people around, but even the bathroom is a good option.)

• Get your body comfortable and find a relaxed rhythm of breathing.

• Sit comfortably and still for 5 minutes.

• If you find yourself distracted don’t worry, just return to the task. If it helps, have something to focus on like a candle or a picture.

• When you’ve finished pause for one minute and notice anything you thought or felt. Maybe write down any thoughts.

• See what happens.

Thinker Lao Tzu said “silence is a great source of strength.” Why don’t you try being still and see what happens? Do let us know how you get on.

For more information check out our previous stories on The Silence Challenge. You can also download an information card below.

BEING

In many walks of life we are encouraged to have dreams and goals.

• Maybe you’re working with a gym or trainer to get better at a sport - they’ll set you goals for your development…

• Maybe your work has set achievement goals for what you do…

• Maybe you’ve been reading a self-help book and it’s setting goals for a healthier life.

• Maybe you’re still working on your New Years resolutions.

These goals can be helpful and can motivate us, but they can also become a burden and pressure. You end up striving and stretching and it’s hard to achieve them.

Goals are also talked about in a way that makes you feel you need to achieve them by sheer effort and force of will. What happens if your life circumstances mean that’s hard or feels impossible?

Sometimes goals and dreams can become a pressure rather than a joy.

So today we want to encourage you to simply sit with all your hopes for the future and practice ‘being.’

Here’s what to do …

1. Find a pen and paper and write down your hopes and dreams for the future. If you don’t find this easy, take some time to think what would I like my life to look like in 1 year or 5 years time?

2. Find a comfortable seat and place the paper in front of you so you can see it.

3. Take five minutes to be still, breathing gently in and out and take in the words on the paper. Nothing needs to be achieved or actioned, you’re just going to ‘be’ and be aware of what you’ve written.

4. After a while, after each inward breath, imagine yourself breathing in hopefulness about these goals or dreams.

5. If it helps repeat the exercise another time.

WHAT DOES THIS ACHIEVE?

There are many goal setting reflections out there. Sometimes people are encouraged to visual achieving the goals you’ve set or at other times it’s about building self confidence to think these dreams are possible.

The practice of being however allows you simply to ‘be’ with your dreams and hopes. This practice allows you to become aware of all the feelings and emotions you feel about these dreams. It allows them to breathe alongside your breathing and for them to become normal, accepted or known. It is about you getting used to them and allowing them to be a part of your present.

Someone once wrote that our dreams coming true can be scary. Instead, this exercise allows us to become used to our dreams and accept the hope of their potential, without them becoming a pressure.

Give it a try and let us know what you think.

UNDERSTANDING MEANING AND PURPOSE

In 1942, Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl was sent to a concentration camp along with his, mother, father and brother, and wife of just 9 months. Over the next four years, they were all killed through the cruelty of the system, but Frankl himself survived. 

After release, Frankl went on to pioneer a new approach to supporting people with their mental health, in part informed by his experiences of living within a concentration camp. He proposed that overcoming adversity or challenge could be massively supported by finding a sense of meaning and purpose within suffering.

He famously said…

“He who has a ‘why’ to live for, can bear almost anything”

This approach, known as logotherapy requires it’s patients to find and pursue a ‘higher purpose’ in whatever they experience.  His book, “Man’s Search for Meaning” is the subject of our audio reflection this week.

Being honest, I wouldn’t give this approach of meaning and purpose, the credibility I do if it hadn’t been proposed by someone who had witnessed and experienced seemingly intolerable suffering. Frankl was truly exposed to some of the worst atrocities committed by humankind, but was able to use these experiences as a catalyst for his later career.

Thisisn’t about putting on a brave face and pretending everything is ok. It’s also not about disregarding suffering. Instead, it invites us to regain control over the suffering by using the experience gained for the benefit of ourselves and others. In doing so, the power of the ‘bad’ is broken as it is used instead for good. We are empowered, we regain dignity, we become the author of a better story rather than the subject of a bad one.

We will all have had different experiences of the last couple of years, but no one has been immune to at least something of the impact of the global pandemic we’ve lived through. You may feel relatively unscathed by it all, you may feel devastated by it, but I’m pretty sure your life will have altered in some way as a result of it all. 

We don’t need to disregard the challenges we have faced, but we might benefit from making more sense of them. 

In our Well? resources this month, we want to take some time to consider what meaning and purpose we might be able to find from our challenges. Finding meaning and purpose is an important part of connecting with that which is more than ourselves, that which is ‘Other’, an essential part of our wellbeing. 

TO GET STARTED … TRY THIS

For now, spend a few moments considering what thoughts, images, ideas come into your mind when you read Viktor Frankl’s quote:

“He who has a ‘why’ to live for, can bear almost anything”

Consider putting the quote somewhere prominent and ‘chewing it over’ as you come across it in the coming week.  Check Andy’s video called ‘Words and Pictures’ which explores in more detail how we can use phrases like this to focus on what’s important in our lives.

Adapting for Resilience

We’ve all probably met and know people who we think are resilient.

These people have the ability to keep going, to overcome hardship or to stay positive or hopeful when others aren’t. It’s a wonderful ability to have.

Sometimes though, we find it harder to look at ourselves that way. Maybe we see more faults or don’t find it as easy to be kind to ourselves. When it comes to resilience, maybe we worry we aren’t strong enough or don’t have the ability to react. But I wonder if the truth is a little different?

The fact is you’ve got this far and getting through a pandemic is no mean feat. So how have you done it? What has enabled you to get through a year of a crisis? To get through three lockdowns and all they’ve brought?

Dictionary definitions of the word resilience give us a clue. They talk about toughness but also the ability to adapt and change. The NHS definition puts it like this:

“Resilience is a key factor in protecting and promoting good mental health and is defined as an individual’s ability to successfully adapt to life tasks in the face of social disadvantage or highly adverse conditions.”

This definition is worth thinking about in three ways. Notice:

• resilience is not about avoiding hardship but responding to it, when it happens.

• resilience is born of tough circumstances and it’s therefore not a weakness to struggle

• resilience is about adapting to tough times, not hardening up or being strong

I find these ideas incredibly helpful.

I often worry that sometimes wrong with me when tough times come. The truth is though that tough times come to all of us.

I often think that my struggles or weaknesses hold me back, but actually they are the doorway to being resilient.

I often feel like I need to be tougher or harder, but instead, resilience asks me to adapt.

Albert Einstein, one of the cleverest people to ever live, said that intelligence was all about the ability to change. The greatest qualification we can have is the life experience of adapting or changing when life hits us hard. And you can do this, because you already have.

Reflect

Look back on the last year and all you’ve gone through. You’ve made it this far. Spend a moment realising this is an achievement. If you can give yourself a well done.

Think about what has enabled you to do this. How have you adapted?

Think on any struggles you have at the moment, how can you use these experiences to adapt again?

Alongside this article are two meditations to help us think about these issues:

• Listen to The Horizon to consider how we adapt to the future.

• Watch the Balance Video to ponder how staying balanced when life is tough can help us adapt.

Most of all …

Remember you’ve got this far, and that’s amazing.

How to build resilience now

Michael Maddaus is a thoracic surgeon, recovering addict and motivational speaker. He suggests that in order to be resilient people, we need to invest in these eight areas:

Sleep

Nutrition

Exercise

Meditation/Mindfulness

Self Compassion

Gratitude

Connection

Saying ‘no’

These eight ideas can act like anchors for our wellbeing and resilience. They can hold us when times become challenging.

Take each word in turn and ask these questions:

What does (add the word) look like to me in my life at the moment?

What will it look like in the coming week?

For example - what does exercise look like to me in my life at the moment? What will it look like in the coming week?

Spend some time considering each of the eight areas.

Consider what you might need more of and how you might include that in your coming week.

Don’t try to do it all at once. Start small and build. This will build momentum and motivation.

 This meditation is all about putting the future in contact with the present and looking positively to what’s ahead in life. Listen to it via the player below.

Rhythms of Life

Find one thing that helps your wellbeing, then repeat it.

When I was younger I was a keen runner. As I got better, the need to train increased and that usually involved repetition. Longer runs, short sprints, fitness exercises - all were repeated to improve my speed and stamina.

As we share some tools for personal growth in this week’s Well?, I wanted to write a few lines about why developing rhythms and routines has proven to be so helpful. Much of this, like my running days, involves repetition.

When we are learning something new - such as a language or skill - we usually use some form of repetition. Doing things again moves impulses from short to long term memory and aids our confidence. Notice when you want to remember a phone number or pin, you repeat it a few times … the brain knows this is something that helps.

Interestingly, lockdown has also shown that having daily rhythms and routines helps our wellbeing. Not having to make up your day reduces stress. Repeating tasks gives confidence and is also quite calming. You feel comfortable after a while with a rhythm.

So when we come to wellbeing, our advice is to find something that helps you and then repeat it.

In this week’s resources you’ll find a Mindfulness Meditation. The audio recording takes you through a Mindfulness experience but also teaches you along the way the skills of being present and of noticing your emotions and feelings. This is an idea thing to try each day.

We also share how Words and Pictures can be important motivational and inspiration tools. The repetitive use of a word which focuses you e.g. confidence, begins to train your brain to notice this as important and to be inspired by it. Similarly, having a picture in a visible place in your house which says something about what you want to do or where you want to go helps. For example for those who feel going on day at a time is helpful, you might display a picture of a road winding out infront of you. The journey has started but you’ll reach your destination.

Rhythms

These ideas help us because ultimately we are rhythmical creatures. Our days and seasons have rhythms of light and dark, of heat and cold. Agriculture shows us there is a time for planting, for waiting and for growth. Having a baby, growing up, learning to walk, leaving home … all these things have their time and place and develop through rhythms and routines of life.

The poet Maya Angelou once said “everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.” If you consider the natural rhythms of your life - what things would help you?

If you’re a morning person for example, why not try an exercise in the morning when you are refreshed? If you are inspired by the outdoors, find an image or word from nature to help build your wellbeing.

We are rhythmical and if we can find repetitive rhythms of wellbeing in the way we live life, we will begin to grow.

Andy Freeman is the Director and Founder of Space to Breathe. You can connect with him via Twitter @AndyFMusings.

THE BALANCE OF GROWING 

Through this month we’ve faced a struggle. How can we share resources and encouragement for personal growth when we’re in a lockdown? Everyone is struggling right now, so how is growth something we can reasonably think about?

I could write here that everything will be ok, that the experience will change us or that in the end we will come through. The truth though, is somewhat unclear. We don’t know when lockdown will end. We don’t know what the future holds. So what can we do?

As we entered lockdown three, we have found that an emphasis on being self-aware has been important. If I can see inside myself - like an engine in a car - and work out what is working well, what is not and what needs servicing - then I have a good chance of being able to care for myself and help myself to grow.

This task isn’t easy. How do you look inside like this? Our tools for growth last week hopefully provide some help.

The task also isn’t easy because in look honestly at ourselves we sometimes have to see the bits that aren’t working well or where we are struggling. Often we are unaware of our weaknesses or struggles - they happen below the surface. But when we become aware and have to face them - this is harder and the person who can do this is being very brave.

But there is hope.

When we take time to stop and be self-aware we can begin to see two types of things within us.

Firstly, I hope we see all the positives. The things we are doing well and the positive steps you are taking in life. Take time to be cheered by this. However life feels, there will be positives. Try to find them.

But secondly, we may see things we are struggling in. Maybe we get lonely, or face depression or struggle to contain frustration or anger. What are we to do about this? The psychologist Sigmund Freud wrote “out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.”

In these times when you become aware of your struggles - consider the balance of growth. As we work at and face the things that are hard, we grow. Even being honest and admitting something or facing an area and sharing it - even that is a step of growth. In facing ourselves honestly, and accepting where we are, we take a giant step forward.

When you consider this, think of it as a step of growth. Personally, then have been times when I struggled a great deal with anxiety. This has been hard to admit but when I did face up to the anxiety I felt, strangely I began to grow and change. I sought help, I reached out to friends. In this vulnerability I seemed to gain a strength.

Take time now to consider the engine of your life.

What areas are working well? Take time to notice them and be encouraged.

What areas need some service? Accept this and consider how you might reach out for help. Realise this is the beginning of growth.

Together we can do this.

Article by Andy Freeman, the Director and Founder of Space to Breathe.

“Keep on sowing the seeds. You never know which will grow - perhaps they all will”

Albert Einstein

 As I write today, it’s cold, it’s dark, it’s wet and government restrictions say that I must stay at home. I’m constrained. I’m limited. There’s so much that I CAN’T do. 

And so I was reminded of something in nature that has a similar experience, and I wondered if there was anything I could learn from that. 

I was reminded of a simple seed. Seeds are planted into cold, dark, wet soil. Seeds are forced to ‘stay at home’ (or are at least hidden away, much like we are at the moment!) Yet seeds change, grow; they benefit from their time underground.

I wonder what we can learn from a humble seed about how to make the most of now, how to make the most of our time hidden away, how to benefit from this time rather than be a victim to it?

Below are some thoughts followed by some questions for you to consider. Chose one to focus on. Feel free to come back to the others at another time….

THOUGHT #1

A seed accepts it’s current limitations. It doesn’t give up. It doesn’t try act like a flower or a tree. It’s ok with being a seed. For now. Acceptance is important for our wellbeing. It’s important for us to accept what can and can’t be changed. It’s not easy, and often needs revisiting regularly, but can be liberating. 

Consider: 

I wonder what you can change?

I wonder what you can’t change?

I wonder what you need to accept just for now?

I wonder what one thing you can do?

I wonder what you need to give up just for now?

THOUGHT #2

A seed may accept it’s current limitations, but it isn’t complacent. It knows it has the potential to be something more and keeps pushing upward towards a bigger future. It’s DNA, it’s very make up, holds onto a vision of what it’s meant to be and this drives itself forward. It hopes for more, and has faith that it can be. 

Having a vision of what we can be in the future is important. We might not know exactly what kind of world we’ll be living in in the future, but we can determine what kind of person we want to be in that world, once it gets moving again. 

Consider:

I wonder what kind of person do you hope to be in the future? 

I wonder what you’d like to be like?

I wonder what you want to be said about you?

I wonder what’s you think you’re ‘destined’ to be? 

I wonder what one thing you might do today towards becoming that? 

THOUGHT #3

A seed is underground, hidden away from the fresh air and sunlight. There are many resources unavailable to it at this time. But a seed takes full advantage of what it DOES have at this time. It absorbs all the nutrients the soil offers. It soaks up the moisture. It uses these things to it’s benefit. There maybe many things we don’t have right now, but what are the opportunities? More time with family? More time on your own? How could these benefit you? What things do you never get around to doing that will benefit your future self? Or maybe you have much less time as you juggle home schooling and work, but you do have more financial resources as a result of having less opportunities to spend. It will be different for us all.  

Consider: 

I wonder what DO you have more of right now? 

I wonder how can you take advantage of that?

I wonder what are the gifts of this season?

I wonder what you can be thankful for this week?

THOUGHT #4

Finally, a seed trusts and gives itself to the process. As individuals we have to trust that the current limitations, our own potential and the things we DO have around us WILL help us to grow, if we allow them to.  We also have to put our trust in those that know more than us to do their job well at this time; scientists, doctors, politicians.  We need to trust others closer to us to support and encourage us, and we need to make ourselves available to support and encourage others. 

Consider:

I wonder who you need to trust this week?

I wonder who you need to ask for help from this week?

I wonder who might need your help this week?

I wonder who you can support and encourage this week?

I wonder what positives (fruit) might come out of this season?

I wonder what you’ll look back and be thankful for in six months time? A years time?     

Growth in the New Year

2021 has arrived.

For many of us this might be with a sigh of relief, but with some uncertainty about this new year too. What is to come?

When we think about personal growth in a New Year we often think about resolutions. This year I’’ll go to the gym more or eat less or drink more sensibly. These sentiments are important statements of intent, but they’re tough to hold too and sometimes we can feel more burdened by resolutions than helped by them - especially if we find our resolve doesn’t hold well.

Sometimes the better way to look at a New Year is with values rather than resolutions.

For example if we’ve considered giving up drink for a while, what’s behind that? Our value might be “I want 2021 to be a healthier year.” From that point, what things can help that value be something we try and live by throughout the year?

Values are a little more forgiving when we have moments of stress or when our resolve isn’t strong. Values tend to last longer as they act like the point of a compass rather than a hurdle to clear. They can point the way.

So at the start of this New Year why not come up with three values you want to live for…

Start each one with “In 2021 I want …" and then complete the sentence. If you’re struggling, think on those resolutions you were considering - what are behind them.

Write out your three values and stick them on the fridge. Then come back to them each month and ask “how am I going to live like this, this month?”

Give it a try and let us know how you get on.

2021 VALUES

STEP ONE

What resolutions was I considering? What values are behind them?

STEP TWO

Write out three values …

1. “In 2021 I want to be …”

2. “In 2021 I want to be …”

3. “In 2021 I want to be …”

STEP THREE

Read these values each month and ask, how am I going to live like this, this month?”

Why not share your values on social media? Include us (@space2breathe on twitter or @spacetobreathecic on Instagram) and we can cheer you on.

Here’s to a better, healthier and happier 2021.

Finding hope

When the news broke that a viable COVID vaccine had been developed, it felt like we had been given an immediate injection of hope, even while we wait for the actual injection to be released. The vaccines that are circulation gave us hope that our lives can return to some kind of normal .

Hope is so important to us as human beings. Research would suggest that hope for the future has an effect on our motivation, energy and even our choices about diet and exercise. It makes sense. When we believe the future can and will be better, we’re going to invest in the now. When we believe the future is bleak, why bother?

The COVID vaccine has provided such hope that we will be able to resume working, socialising and living without many of the restrictions we had to face at that time. It gave us hope that ‘things’ will be better…

I wonder what hope means to you?

Finding and maintaining hope isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3 but I do humbly share a suggestion of an ABC to consider:

Accept and expect challenge

Hope understands that life has it’s challenges and won’t be easy. In fact, it expects this. It sets off in the pursuit of something better knowing that it’s ok that it’s not ok now, because it can and will be better in the future. The pathway out of lockdowns and tiers isn’t going to be linear, but it’s certain. Hope sets itself up for ‘failure’ but also knows that ‘success’ will come eventually.

Reflect: What are you hoping will be different in 6 months time? What one thing is realistic and joy filled for you to imagine?

Believe

Hope believes in the possibility and ability of the human spirit to rise up and take on the challenge; not individually, but collectively. We all cope differently with challenges; some are wired to be helpers, others are wired to be creators and others to be activists. At times, we might be able to do all of these, at times, none. But collectively we can and we will.  Whatever challenges we face, there will those there to help. The bravest thing is often to ask for and accept it.

Reflect: Who can you be for others over the next 6 months? Who and what do you need in the next 6 months?

Cultivate 

Hope needs cultivation. It needs us to surround the seedling with the right voices to bring encouragement for the journey, and remind us of the destination. It needs us to keep the end in mind and not get too bogged down by listening to endless negativity. It might need us to switch the news off and crank up the volume on the gratitude-o-meter. (try recording three new things you’re grateful at the end of each day for 21 days – research says this reprogrammes the brain to notice the positives).

Consider: Who/what do you need to listen to less? Who/what do you need to listen to more?

Giving Light

For many, this time of year involves giving and receiving gifts.

If you’re reading this having already done this process, I wonder if you were pleased or disappointed with what you received.

If you’re reading this before this process of gift giving has happened, I wonder what your hopes are?

Giving to others is known to be good for our wellbeing; it apparently releases all sorts of positive hormones that reduce stress, increase pain tolerance and even prevents premature aging!

Giving can take many forms; presents, time, physical touch, words of affirmation or acts of service. Different ones will be appreciated by different people and we can be served well by considering which the people in our lives appreciate most.

Some of us will feel we have a lot to give, others of us less. You may feel particularly pressed this year as a direct or indirect result of the Coronavirus pandemic. But we always have something to give, and we as well as the recipient will always benefit from us doing so.

This week, we want to encourage you to give a little extra for the benefit of you and others, and we want to encourage you to do that to two different types of people.

• Firstly, consider people in your own family or network; who would benefit from you giving a little extra this week? A little extra time, a little extra help, a little extra word of affirmation… Make a plan to do this….

• Secondly, consider people outside of your own family and network; a charity that serves people differently from yourself. What would it look like to offer time, money or encouragement to them this week? It might be that it’s not possible to do this right away, but can you make a plan for the new year?

Giving light is always good.

The Overview Effect

I wonder what it’s like to look at earth from space right now? I wonder if you’d notice anything different from this time last year, and whether I’d be able to make any sense of what I saw.

As we get to grips with different tiers and work out how and who we’ll spend our Christmas with, I wonder what a trip to space would do to our sense of perspective?

I read recently about something called ‘The Overview Effect’. It describes the experience that many astronauts have when first seeing earth from space. They oftentimes describe the experience as ‘mystical’ and ‘marvellous’, having a profound effect on their perception of the world, it’s borders and it’s fragility. I imagine been all the way ‘up there’ can’t help but alter your sense of what’s really important.

Such is the profundity of ‘The Overview Effect’, that various people have sought to reproduce it here on earth, with one study launched last year at the University of Missouri, setting out to immerse willing participants in a tank full of salt water and a VR headset and then measure the effects. I don’t recommend trying this at home!

A less extreme version of such an experiment might be to simply stop and consider your current situations from some different perspectives. As you consider your decisions over the next month, why not use these questions to help you:

• In 6 months time, what will have been important to have done in this next month?

• Six months ago, what advice would I give myself now about this next month?

• What would my ‘best self’ say to me about this next month?

• What would my most faithful cheerleader say to me about this next month?

• If there were no expectations/obligations on me, what would I do in this next month?

• What would an astronaut looking down at my life say to me about the next month?

Article by Ben Harper

Ben is Space to Breathe’s Wellbeing Lead. You can continue a conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach

 Remembering brings hope

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

Albert Einstein

Hope is a thing that propels us towards tomorrow with the thought or belief that things could be better or different. I think we’ve all felt that hope this year but in the midst of an ongoing pandemic, hope can start to feel depleted. The wondering of when this tomorrow that we hope for will come can start to wear down our ability to live for today well.

But remembering can give us hope. As Albert Einstein said, there are things to learn from yesterday which we believe can give us hope for tomorrow. Instead of remembering being a looking back on old times, wishing things were as they used to be, we want to introduce the idea that looking back can be something you do to inspire hope.

One of the easiest ways for me to think about this is when I think about my children. I have two lovely, time filling, full of energy little children. First time round parenting was a shock to the system. I expected to be a natural and to love every minute; neither of expectations were realistic. Along the road I learned that I am a good mum, sometimes a great one. I will make mistakes, I will have tough days, sometimes I’ll hide in another room an cry but I can do it, often love it and my eldest has become a pretty fab three year old. When it came to having baby number two I definitely approached it with much more realistic expectations.

Time and experience had taught me that I have what it takes to parent and whilst my boy is in so many ways different to his sister, I have learnt ways to love, support and enjoy my kids. The anxiety and days of dread from the first time round were much less because of the strength I’d gained from before. 

And this can be the case throughout so many life experiences. As we live and grow, we learn so many lessons. I’m sure 2020 has taught us a wealth of things amongst the disappointment. Lockdown #1 taught me that going for frequent runs was important for my mental health; that I quite enjoy a slower pace of life; that I really do love to hug people; that whilst I am a good mum, having my kids at nursery and working two days is work life balance that I really value.

And I knew what would help me. Going for regular runs, getting out into nature, Sunday rest days and I was also grateful that nursery remained open. My memory board of experience from lockdown #1 taught me what I cherished and what needed to change to help me through what could be a dark, cold, tiring winter. Today I approach the season ahead with grace for my bad days and much more hope.

Is there an area of your life where you don’t hold out much hope just now? Are you lacking hope in general? Perhaps lockdown #2 and the winter months are still feeling daunting for you?

Take ten minutes now.

Grab a pen and some paper or you laptop and an open document.

Slow yourself for two minutes and think about where you need some hope.

Allow yourself to breathe deeply as you focus your thoughts.

This article was by Jo Edwards from the Space to Breathe team.

You can continue chatting to Jo via Twitter (@space2breathe) or Instagram (@spacetobreathecic)

Making Sense of these Times by Andy Freeman

These are indeed strange times.

2020 will long be remembered as the year that the world’s population was united in trying to overcome the Coronavirus pandemic. Sport played with no crowds. Elections organised by post. Work done from home. Social distancing joining our usual vocabulary.

At time of writing my eldest son has just returned home from a work trip to the Middle East. He is upstairs as I write, quarantining for 14 days. Meals are placed outside his door, door handles cleaned when he uses the bathroom. We haven’t even hugged since his return.

These are indeed strange times.

This month we are thinking about remembering well. This sometimes gives the idea we go way back into our past to remember, or to consider times and people lost. However, remembering well also involves our recent past - and the question is ‘how do we remember these times as we go through them?’ What is a healthy way to make sense of the circumstances we are in?

There have been many ideas and great resources shared on this subject. As we get towards the end of 2020 I wanted to suggest four things that might help us.

‘Over-thinking’

A friend once bought me a mug that had written on it - ‘over-thinking person over-thinking things.’ Anyone who knows me well knows how accurate this statement is.

As we’ve gone through the pandemic there’s been millions of articles and commentaries considering the future. What will ‘the new normal’ be? What will the future look like? How will this change us?

The reality is, right now we don’t know. If you have a tendency to think into the future, to analyse and to predict, I would encourage you to curb that tendency for a while. Or at least hold it gently.

We’ve often described these circumstances like a snow-globe being shaken up. That metaphor suggests we need to have time to let things settle. Why not plan a few weeks rather than a few months ahead? What about holding next year lightly. “Lets see” could be a useful mantra.

Giving space to ‘other’

In our Wellbeing Triangle we make mention of the concept that some aspects of our wellbeing are added to by a sense of ‘the other.’ This is an idea that’s hard to break down initially but its something we know. ‘Other’ is that thing that means we cry at something beautiful, or that the hairs on the back of our neck stand on end when we experience something incredible. Its the thing that rises in us when we love. It’s wonder, awe, beauty. Some people might call it spirituality. It’s that space for the soul within us.

Researcher David Hay suggests that many of us use the sense of ‘other’ to ‘make sense of the world around us’ (Hay/Hunt 2002.). Practices like Mindfulness give us the ability to stop, reflect and begin to see what the world around us is like. We often use the phrase ‘getting off the treadmill.’

Why not explore what ‘other’ looks like to you at the moment and make some space for it. If this feels confusing, get outside into nature and be curious. Sit in silence for a period of time. Be creative. Give time to notice things. See what happens.

Control

Human beings are built with a system of self-protection. We are good at sensing danger. As a result we often go into something called ‘fight or flight’ where we deem it prudent to either resist or run. When things are threatening to us we need a way to stop and analyse.

For many people the question “what is in my control and what is not” is a great starting point.

This image (created for young people) that I saw online recently is brilliant.

Make a Plan

This last idea is one we’ve considered often.

When times are weird, strange or difficult it’s good to make a plan. We loved this graphic shared recently on Facebook by Believe Perform.

What ways are you remembering and making sense of these times? Why not have a chat with us on Twitter @space2breathe and share what it all means to you.

Andy Freeman is Director and Founder of Space to Breathe. You can connect with him on Twitter (@AndyFMusings) and on LinkedIn if you’d like.

Blinded by the Light (2019) is a beautiful, funny and poignant film about a 16 year old man, growing up in Luton in the 80’s - dealing with the expectations of his South Asian roots and trying desperately to find who is and find his place, helped by the music of Bruce Springsteen.

There is a wonderful moment where (after discovering his love of writing) he shares his poems with his English teacher - “There you go, all my poems. They’re not great, but they’re mine.”

This scene wonderfully encapsulates the sheer fear and trauma of revealing who we really are. It literally takes all of our strength to find one moment where we can declare - this is me, here I am.

Last week we shared a few thoughts about the place of vulnerability. Brene Brown helps us to understand the beautiful paradox that “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” She’s right too, but to get there is so hard.

We’ve talked a lot in the past about being yourself, allowing who you are to flourish and blossom. But it’s important to recognise this is also deeply scary. Being vulnerable takes our defences away. Being honest and brave enough to be yourself risks rejection and plays into all of our deepest fears.

Marianne Williamson writes:

“It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

She argues that for many of us, the struggle is not in doubting ourselves - but instead that we see who we really are and we worry what will happen if we truly express all that we are.

Sometimes we can be blinded by the light.

So what can we do? How do we cross these hurdles of vulnerability and honesty?

We wanted to suggest three tips that have helped others in the past as we explore more of who we are and we consider how we might flourish.

• Do your homework. The first job in the task of personal flourishing is to become self-aware and ask ‘Who am I?’ This is a complex question and takes time, so spend time with it. Our first ideas of who we are may be shaped by others or by circumstance. Its right to be patient and to consider this question over time. Once ideas come to light, then you consider how to live that way.

• Beware of floodlighting. Writers like Brene Brown and others suggest we choose who to be vulnerable with and that we take our time with it. Don’t blind people by sharing everything of who you are, take your time. Be ready to trust people first.

• Be kind to yourself. These tasks are hard and need courage. Its therefore understandable that we often find them hard. Don’t knock yourself when you find you shy away from honesty or vulnerability - its never easy. Try again next time.

Learning to be yourself and to flourish is a life long journey. That can sound long and tough but what if we see that as enjoyable. I can see my task as trying to be “a little more Andy each day.” If I do that, I may just find I help others do the same too.

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

The Dynamics of Memory

Our Brains are remarkable things. You remember with four separate parts of your brain - the Amygdala, Hippocampus, Cerebellum and Pre-Frontal Cortex. These memories are held in nerve cells called cell assemblies. These nerve centres are activated by a smell or a familiar face or anything that prompts memory.

Your memory has a number of different formats. Short or Long Term, Declarative (common knowledge) and Non-Declarative (riding a bike.). We also talk about Working Memory which allows us to learn things through repetition and to make sense of the world around us. Check out Peter Doolittle on TED telling us more.

Your brain associates memory with good things and bad things. These memories can be at the root of how we respond in other and similar situations. Sometimes our Working Memory can inform us a situation is threatening based on previous experiences. But there is the chance to change things.

A common treatment for anxiety or depression is CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This process works by training yourself to understand how your brain works, how you respond to things and how to make small changes to take a more positive or healthy mindset. The NHS puts it like this…

The impact of CBT and other treatments can open us up to the possibility of positive thinking and benefit-finding (gratitude or seeing good things.)

In essence we can make choices to look towards the positive, to see the horizon, to act with gratitude.

Below are three reflective tools for you to try.

Memory can tell us how to ride a bike or what a country is called. It can help us make sense of the world around us. Sometimes our memories can also seek to shape our future and our view of ourself. But a positive way forward can be found by learning principles and routines which look more hopefully towards the future and give us a different way to deal with the present.

Brene Brown puts it like this. "No matter how much I get done, or is left undone, at the End of the Day, I am enough.”

Mantra’s like this can help our brain and working memory to begin to be kind to us, and see a more positive world around us.

FIVE PEOPLE, FIVE THINGS

This is a great exercise to do to reflect on those people who’ve inspired you and the legacy they’ve left.

Writing to Robert Hooke in 1675, Isaac Newton said:

“If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants”

Who are the giants you are grateful for?

REMEMBERING WELL

When we lose something or someone precious, it leaves a hole. Even after years and years we can still have fond memories and pangs of loss.

Across the board of thinking and writing on theme of loss, one thing is clearer than most - that healthy loss involves facing slowly all the emotions and feelings that come with separation and eventually, we seek to find ways of remembering well.

This month we want to tackle this subject gently and with tenderness.

I want to say at the outset we won’t be forcing you to confront anything you’re not ready for. If you ever want to talk we are here - make use of our Wellbeing Check-Ins for a chat or for some advice. You can email us at info@spacetobreatheuk.com to know more. Ultimately we want to make space for you to build your wellbeing by remembering well.

We want to give you space to create the focus of your remembering. Lost roles, lost objects, lost time or friendships are often just as important to remember as the more traditional way we think of remembering. Our aim is to help each of us use this month to remember with fondness, taking our memories into the future healthily and with contentment.

It’s ok to remember

Today I’d like to simply consider that it’s ok to remember.

We are storied-creatures. Our world and the way we see it is made up of our experiences, including our memories. These stories include the teacher who believed in us, the place we grew up, the experiences we had and the good and the bad of everyday life. These things help to make us.

There is often a debate about whether who we are is made by nature or nurture. However, it’s rare for someone to suggest that there is only one element of either nature or nurture. Both our DNA and our experiences go into the melting pot of personality.

Throughout the history of human life, stories have played there part.

Ancient peoples told stories of their history in verbal form, often passing knowledge from generation-to-generation in oral form. In many settings these national stories were only written down centuries after they’d be first told by local elders. Remembering formed a key part of identity - this is what happened, this is our story.

Imaginative stories also help shape us. CS Lewis argued that "reason is the natural order of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning.[1]” Many stories which may or may not be historical in nature, include great truths which are of value.

Today our culture is encouraging people to tell their stories, self-publishing through the internet or telling daily short stories through social networking sites.  “Storytelling has a powerful unifying power - it highlights commonalities among individuals and breaks down prejudices.[2]”  

For us remembering well might begin with our story - what has happened to us. What has shaped us to this point? Who are the leading characters? What events have we experienced?

creating your own story

As we begin our journey of remembering well, I’d like to propose an exercise that affirms that it’s ok for you to remember your past as you look forward to your future.

REMEMBERING MATTERS

William Worden made a change to his famous book ‘Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy’ when he wrote an update edition. He had originally suggested that a key task in mourning or remembering was to re-invent a relationship with that thing, place or person who might be missing. In his 2nd edition he changed that to finding “a place” for that which is loss.

Healthy remembering doesn’t encourage you to give up a relationship with what you’ve lost but instead to find a healthy and appropriate place for it and for its memories in your future.

Remembering well becomes good for us.

Good remembering doesn’t mean that we dwell in the past or get trapped by it. Instead we can take our stories and walk into our future with confidence. Being more self aware and knowing more of who we are.

Let us know how you get on with this story exercise and take care.

[1] http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/c__s__lewis/quotes

[2] BOUMAN, Jake ‘An Examination of Postmodern Youth Culture in conversation with the Emerging Church’ www.precipicemagazine.com

DO ONE THING

Saturday 10th October is World Mental Health Day and Mind are inviting us all to ‘Do one thing’ for better mental health. They’ve even created a useful calendar, with ways that we can take simple steps to look after our mental health throughout the month.

Doing one thing each day, or as often as you can throughout the week, is a really simple way of making space to care for our mental health and wellbeing. 

Wellbeing will mean different things to different people. Mind have focused their calendar around the 5 Ways of Wellbeing. We use our Wellbeing Triangle; the principle that living well involves living in connection with our self, others and a sense of ‘Other’.

However you define wellbeing, over the next week we’d encourage you to create your own calendar of wellbeing. You could start off by planning for the week ahead, plan out a couple of weeks, a whole month or create something that you’ll be able to repeat month after month.

Some time over the next week take fifteen minutes to sit down with a pen and a piece of paper, a hot cuppa and your [physical or phone based] calendar. Using your understanding of wellbeing, scribble down as many ‘one thing’ ideas as you can on a blank piece of paper. You might want to use some suggestions from Mind as inspiration. Or take inspiration from some of these ideas based around our Wellbeing Triangle:

IDEAS

Before you put these ideas into a wellbeing calendar, look through your suggestions and ask yourself the following questions:

# Is this realistic? Am I likely to have the energy, time and headspace to do this on this day?

The idea is that these are simple things that you can easily fit around your schedule of life. Have your diary dates in front of you and work out what will work with your existing plans. Try to schedule your ‘one thing’ on a day when it would best fit.

# Is this a good balance of wellbeing?

 Do your activities reflect those areas of wellbeing that are important to you or, when you look at them, do you find that they tend to focus on one area? If, for example, you notice that a lot of your ideas focus around spending time with others, you might want to include some more ways to engage with wonder: go on a slow walk around the block and notice the seasonal changes, write down ten things you are grateful for.

# Am I stretching myself?

Check out the three ideas cards below, use the arrows to navigate to each one.

BEING FULLY YOU

About six years ago I was working on an Undergraduate training course in Oxford. The course centred around imaginative leadership, social entrepreneurship and was an ideas factory for new projects and initiatives. It was an inspiring place to be involved.

The course leader, Jonny, had a saying at that time which really captivated me.

He told me, “Andy your only job is to be a little bit more you everyday.”

I can’t tell you how empowering it is to hear your boss tell you something like that. We have all, I’m sure, worked in environments where we need to adapt to a certain culture, curb our ideas or bow to pressure or process. Those moments, where we don’t feel psychologically safe to be ourselves can suppress our imagination, drive and confidence.

But instead Jonny chose to trust me. He believed in the person he met at interview and he wanted me to be myself - but more fully.

When we talk about flourishing this month I’d love it if you kept this simple idea in mind. I don’t want to encourage you to be more confident, bold, adventurous, active, creative or outspoken - unless thats exactly who you are.

Jonny’s words would be this …

How can you be a little bit more, you, everyday.

The mental health and wellbeing scene has grown exponentially over the last decade. There has probably never been a time when we can be more open about our mental health.

However, many of these discussions can be about problems or challenges. We speak out because we have a problem to face. We talk about lost millions of pounds in sickness from work or the cost to the NHS.

Flourishing is a different way of looking at mental health. It says we are all striving to be ourselves. It says good wellbeing is being a little bit more me everyday. It says a culture of wellbeing encourages the psychological safety for people to be themselves.

This is a mental health discussion where everyone is involved.

A health warning

Over the last few years it’s been my pleasure to make friends with Graham Tomlin. Graham is the Bishop of Kensington and in that role, provided inspirational support and kindness to the people of Grenfell after the fire there three years ago.

Graham is just about to release a book called “Why Being Yourself is a Bad Idea And Other Countercultural Notions.”

Graham’s book may well debunk everything I’ve written above. But I don’t think so.

It does however bring a health warning. This month’s resources are going to boldly make the case for human flourishing. We are going to be confident in encouraging self understanding and self expression. But the thing is that comes with a challenge.

The more we look in on ourselves the more we will inevitably see stuff we’re not sure about. If we merely speed forward, simply being ourselves we miss the point that Jonny makes. He’s suggesting change too. Lets see who we are and move towards that more.

I like to think, for example, that kindness is a part of my character I want to cherish and encourage. I want to be kinder, a little more each day. But in recognising that I have to accept that often I’m unkind, selfish and lacking in patience. I need to accept this, then I can change.

Self expression and self-confidence isn’t a blank cheque to be you at any cost. What we are considering here is that deep, heartfelt, soulful sense of self that may feel elusive to us often. I want to be kind, yet often I’m not.

What would happen if we all sort to aim for that sense of self we see as truly us? Ourselves on a good day and in a good place. That feels like the sort of human flourishing I can really get behind.

WHAT IS RESILIENCE BY BEN HARPER

There are many things that put our sense of wellbeing at risk; everyday stressors, too much change at once, difficult relationships, pressure from work or family, financial difficulties, health problems. Few people get through life without experiencing at least some of these things at some point. Add in there traumatic events or a particular genetic predisposition to a mental health condition and you’re risk of poor wellbeing is even higher. It doesn’t however mean it’s guaranteed, and it certainly doesn’t mean you won’t cope ‘well’ in spite of it.   

What’s important when this ‘stuff’ happens is that we have things that make us feel resilient.

The things we do, and the people we get support can make us more ‘resilient’ to the challenges we face. Resilience is about resisting, protecting and bouncing back in the face of adversity. It doesn’t always mean the challenges go away or get any less, but resilience is about finding the things that give us the strength to carry on and push through.

Resilience isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s built, grown and developed. Whether we’re currently in the midst of a challenging time, or everything is ‘hunky dory’ right now, it’s never a bad time to be investing.

Resilience is a bit like getting a ship ready for a journey on the open seas, or watering the roots of a tree in preparation for all weathers. It’s built or grown behind the scenes. It’s built or grown not because we welcome the storms,  but because we know life will bring them anyway.

When we find ourself in the midst of a storm, we don’t neglect the ship or the roots, in fact we invest all the more in keeping them healthy to give ourselves the best chance of getting through.

• We make time and space to do things that bring us life and energy; hobbies, interests, passions, the things we are good at.

• We spend time with people who make us laugh, smile and feel good. We develop friendships where we can share deeply and vulnerably with one another.

• We spend engaging with something bigger, greater, more than ourselves, and we practise gratitude for it. (We call this connection with ‘Other’). Time in nature, time engaging with stories that take us beyond ourselves (autobiographies, sacred texts), time remembering better times that have been and hope in better times to come.

None of these things will stop the challenges coming. None of these will necessarily make the challenges go away, but they may just equip you with the strength, energy and hope you need in the midst of it. The thing about all these things is that unlike some of the challenges we might face they are (at least in part) things we can chose. We have that within our control.

TRY THIS…

Ask yourself these questions today:

• What will you do to invest in your resilience today?

• What time will you give to discovering more of what brings you life and energy?

• What relationship will you invest a little bit more in?

• What does it mean for you to connect with ‘Other’?

THE BENEFITS OF NATURE BY BEN HARPER

A study in a Pennsylvanian hospital found that patients recovering from a gall bladder operation whose beds faced a window looking out on to trees, recovered quicker and needed less pain relief than those patients whose beds faced a window looking out on to a brick wall. This is just one example of a study done that proves the benefits of nature on both our physical and mental health.

Being with nature and engaging with it can be so good for our wellbeing. In 2021, the Mental Health Foundation found that 60% found the outdoors a vital part of improving their mental health during the COVID lockdowns.

Scientists think it’s to do with the ‘fractals’ that exist in nature. In simple terms, fractals are shapes and patterns that are ever repeating. You see them in snowflakes, leaves, tree branches. All of these are both unique and the same, at the same time. Nature provides  a kind of ordered chaos that seems to give us some reassurance that any chaos we might be experiencing can also find order.

Taking in a view further than our eye can see can help to bring a sense of perspective to whatever is going on in the here and now. When we look beyond what’s right in front of us, we see beyond the challenges, and where we feel limited and constricted, we might start to see possibilities and freedom. So getting up high and looking across the landscape is good for us. This could be a view from a hill, or a view out to sea.

Spending time with something far older than you; an old tree, a mountain, a rock, can also give a different kind of perspective. There are things that have endured more than we will ever endure and overcome more than we will ever encounter. There’s a kind of reassurance here of our own capacity for resilience.

Some of us are more fortunate than others in what access we have to nature. Depending on where you live and how busy your schedule is, will determine how much nature you get to engage with. The good news is that whilst nothing beats being in the fresh air, bringing pictures, objects and smells from nature inside, can trigger some of the same effects as being out and about. Good news at this time of year when the weather is less enticing. Choosing a screen saver of the mountains for your phone, watching nature programmes, or playing sounds from nature in the background from Youtube or Spotify might be enough to gain at least some of the benefits of nature.

And in the face of climate change, doing one thing consistently to preserve and protect the environment can make us feel an increased sense of hope and empowerment, often leading us to do more and more as time goes on.

So whether it be a walk in the woods, tidying and clearing your garden, or putting up a picture of a beach in your bathroom, know that anything that brings you closer to nature will be good for you.

Whatever your schedule or access to nature you have, try and do just one thing extra this week to engage with nature.  Recognise the beauty, the diversity, the wildness and the order that nature includes, and be inspired.

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE? BY BEN HARPER

Whether it be the little red notification symbol on your phone or the digital billboard on the roadside, something or someone is always trying to grab your attention.

We are no longer used to paying attention on one thing at a time. Many of us believe ourselves to be effective multi taskers, and we may even be energised by the constant notifications and interruptions that modern life includes. But some now suggest that multi tasking is not humanly possible, and in fact all that we are really doing is ‘task switching’, something that is actually grossly inefficient rather than efficient.

ONE THING

Paying attention on one thing at a time is something we have to train our mind to do. In essence, this is what mindfulness is;

Paying

Attention

To

Just

One

Thing

The effects are known to be hugely beneficial, not just for getting stuff done more efficiently, but for our mental health and wellbeing. When we give our full attention to ‘just one thing’, we calm our brains and bodies, we learn the skill of focussing, we can develop an ‘attitude of gratitude’, we become better at discerning which thoughts and feelings to pay attention to, and which to let pass.

Being mindful doesn’t come naturally to us in the modern age. Technology developers and advertisers know what works when it comes to pulling our focus. So learning to being mindful, focusing on ‘just one thing’ will take some intention, and we may need some help.

Mindfulness may be familiar to you or it could be something you’re cynical about. It CAN involve candles, floaty music, and a softly spoken voice leading you through a meadow. But it can also be something you do at the bus stop, in the office, or in your kitchen.

It starts by becoming aware of the many thoughts, feelings, noises and tasks around you and choosing one thing, ‘just one thing’, to focus on.

We can mindful about things are unhelpful to us; worrying thoughts, uncomfortable feelings or an irritating noise. If we do this, we will simply turn the volume up on these things, and this wouldn’t be helpful. So instead, we choose to focus on something that is good or neither good or bad. And then we simply try and keep our focus there for a little bit longer.

Our brains WILL jump about and things around us WILL compete for our attention, and when this happens, we just notice it and gently bring our focus back to the ‘just one thing’. (someone once described to me by suggested it’s like gently and kindly bringing a puppy’s attention back when it wanders off). 

Learning to be mindful is a skill that will develop the more we practise it. We’re training our brain to be less hyperactive and more focussed. It’s like a muscle that has to be grown. 

Our video and audio resources this week are designed to give you an opportunity to practise being mindful, and so we encourage you to resist the urge to respond to that text message, email for just a few more moments and give them a go. 

“There is time enough for everything in the course of the day, if you do but one thing at once, but there is not time enough in the year, if you will do two things at a time.” 

Lord Chesterfield to his son in 1970.

ACCEPT YOUR FEELINGS BY BEN HARPER

The famous psychotherapist Carl Rogers once said:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”

Acceptance is hard. We are bombarded with images and messages that tell us we should be something else; stronger, better looking, more successful. Many of us can also feel bad for feeling down, upset or exhausted.

The message from Carl Rogers isn’t that we stagnate, give in or remain unhappy, but that the path to change is best laid out when we can accept where we’re at. Only when we acknowledge our reality, sit with it, engage with it, and stop beating ourselves up for it, will we have the confidence, strength and clarity to change.

Change is thwarted mostly by fighting with our reality. Non acceptance can reinforce feelings of guilt, shame, or anger about what ‘is’.

As we notice and name our reality, we are better served by acceptance than resistance. To admit that I’m upset, angry, anxious, jealous isn’t easy – it’s a vulnerable choice. Many of us will have been taught that these kinds of feelings are ugly or unacceptable. But all of our emotions are valid, real and important.

We need to learn to be curious rather than judgemental about our emotions – they are always clues about what we might need. And this starts with acceptance.

TRY THIS …

I invite you to be brave for a moment:

• Take a moment and choose to notice how you’ve been feeling this week.

• Be especially aware of any uncomfortable feelings.

• Can you give that feeling a name?

• It’s ok to feel that feeling.

• Choose acceptance, rather than resistance

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”  

TEN IDEAS TO BRING CALM BY REBECCA COOKE

We live in a society and world that can be overwhelming and stressful. We can have a tendency to overwork ourselves and neglect to give our minds and bodies what they need.

Sometimes the root of this can be something simple as managing to wind down and find some peaceful moments of calm.

In this week’s blog I invite you to take some time out of your day, even if it is just 5 minutes, to allow yourself to try and find calm and inner peace by trying all or one of the following ideas.

1.     Listen to your environment

One way to tune out the noise in your mind is to tune in to the sounds around you. This can be done in many different environments and does not have to take longer than a few minutes. Simply start by closing your eyes and focusing purely on the sounds around you. Whether that be a chirping bird, the sound of rain on the window, or the whirring of a fan. “Allow your ears to simply receive whatever sounds arise,” recommends Nancy Colier, author of The Power of Off: The Mindful Way to Stay Sane in a Virtual World. 

2.     Accepting what can’t be controlled

Life is unpredictable. From time-to-time various challenges will surface, complicating your daily routine and leaving you anxious, drained, or even afraid. Ignoring those feelings to just get on with things generally doesn’t help, either. Suppressed emotions can intensify, leaving you far less calm down the line. Acceptance, on the other hand, often does make a difference. Research shows that accepting your own thoughts and emotions is an effective strategy. You can also practice cognitive reframing by reminding yourself: “What’s happening right now won’t last forever. In the meantime, I’m doing my best.” “This is a tough situation, but I can get through it.” “I feel miserable right now, but I won’t always feel like this.” It’s natural to want to turn away from pain, so it can take time to get in the habit of acceptance. But as it becomes more natural, you’ll likely find yourself feeling calmer.

3.     Focusing on the here and now

You can find calm by being in the present moment. Most people live in the past with past events circling their mind non-stop or panicking about what will go wrong in the future. When things around you are stressful, focus on the present with hyper focus. Trying grounding techniques which can be done in any location. Take your feet out of your shoes and just let yourself feel the ground beneath you. It will help you feel present and aware of your surroundings providing a sense of calm. 

4.     Journaling

Journaling can help you process and express emotions you might otherwise keep inside. Writing, of course, won’t get rid of your troubles. But you might find that committing them to paper helps ease some of their emotional weight and transforms inner peace from an exception to more of a rule. Bringing a sense of calm into your life.

5.     Access nature   

Natural environments, green spaces in particular, can ease emotional distress and foster feelings of inner calm and peace of mind. Spending time in nature can help you have peace of mind and find calm by soothing worry, anger, or fear, easing stress and promoting relaxation, enhancing feelings of kindness and social connection, and improving concentration and focus.

6.     Laugh a lot

Life can be challenging enough, and ultimately, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find the beauty in your life. It’s okay to laugh, even at the silliest of things. Laughing has been proven to be the best medicines for stressed and struggling individuals. Contact your friends and arrange a meetup. Watch a funny movie on Netflix. Have a wine night with your friends. Basically, just find humour in even the most mundane things. A calming feeling is often gained from a place you never expect to find it, and sometimes, that’s from a place of humour and laughter. 

7.     Social media detox

Social media can cause you to fear that you are not living your best life and comparing yourself to your friends’ stories and posts will disrupt your inner peace. You don’t necessarily have to do a complete social media detox for a week or a month. However, every once in a while, it’s best to take a break from your social media platforms. Doing this helps you gain control of reality and find peace of mind and a sense of calm. Social media can be a facade, and you may fail to differentiate what’s real and what’s not.

8.     Deep breathing

When you focus on your breathing, your mind’s attention is drawn to the life-enhancing process of drawing in air and exhaling. Take five long, deep breaths and focus on your lungs and diaphragm as you do this. This is a quick and easy way to instantly feel calm. 

9.     Visualised Meditation

We’re never not thinking about things. This is why meditation is one of the best things we can do for ourselves to achieve some sense of peace in our lives. Meditation gives you the break you need from the noise of your thoughts. After taking a few deep breaths, close your eyes and picture yourself calm. See your body relaxed and imagine yourself working through a stressful or anxiety-causing situation by staying calm and focused. By creating a mental picture of what it looks like to stay calm, you can refer back to that image when you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious.

10.  Listen to music

Music can have a profound effect on both the emotions and the body. A slower tempo can quiet your mind and relax your muscles, making you feel soothed while releasing the stress of the day. Playing calming music is great when you’re feeling overwhelmed or tightly wound. Listening to some soft soundscapes, instrumentals or nature sounds can help soothe stress and induce relaxation by slowing your breathing and heart rate, lowering your blood pressure, and reducing the body’s levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

MAKING A SAFE SPACE FOR OTHERS BY BEN HARPER

Who do you know that’s a great host?

I am blessed to have a few sets of friends who are great at creating a really hospitable space for their guests. Being at their homes is always a treat, and you can’t help coming away feeling fed in so many ways. 

Creating space for others is so important, but doesn’t always involve top notch cooking, and endless drinks. Creating space for others is so much more than this. 

At Space to Breathe, we spend our working lives considering how we can create safe, hospitable places that literally give people some space to breathe. We believe giving people these ‘spaces’, leads to greater wellbeing and flourishing and it’ such a privilege to see the effects of this when we get it ‘most right’.

I’ve been reflecting on what’s going on when we get it ‘most right’, and I reckon the things we do are important in any relationship where we want to other person to flourish.  Have a look through my list and consider what this might look like in your relationships.

·       We invite people to participate, rather than demand participation. People access our ‘spaces’ and activities at their own pace and time. This helps people retain their own sense of control, and ownership of their inner journey.

·       We try to listen carefully to what people are saying. This involves listening beyond the words that are being spoken, taking in their body language and tone of voice.

·       We look for opportunities to affirm people. This involves reflecting back what we hear, and validating their experience. It also involves us communicating our genuine care, belief in the intrinsic ‘goodness’ of the person and communicating this in words, body language and tone of voice.

·       We offer wisdom humbly, not assuming that we have all the answers. We invite people to dialogue with us about how any wisdom offered lands with them.

·       We trust people to make use ‘good use’ of their experiences with us, but place no further demands on them.

Have a look at these five headings and consider which one’s you think are most important? Are there any that you’d add to the list?

Some of these ideas are based on the strengths and weaknesses of our team. I wonder which one’s you think you might be best at? Which one’s might you need more practice at?

TRY THIS

Reflect again on these five headings:

• Inviting people to participate

• Listening

• Affirming people

• Offering wisdom humbly

• Trusting people

Consider …

• What places and spaces do you know that offer this?

• Who do you know who might benefit from these ideas?

• How might it help their wellbeing and health?

• What role might you play in providing space like this to others?

Habits for Wellbeing by Ben Harper

Biting your nails, picking your nose, going to bed too late, putting things off – what is your worst habit?

A habit is anything we do regularly without really thinking. They are the things that become part of our routine, form part of our normal ‘operating system’, or ‘default settings’. When we think of habits, we often think about them being negative things that we do; things we dislike in ourselves and others, but can’t help. But habits can be good too; think about the habit of drinking two litres of water every day, or choosing the healthy food options in the supermarket.

When it come to our wellbeing, we will all have good and bad habits. One of my bad habits is checking social media whenever I have a moment of ‘dead time’. One of my better habits is looking for reasons to be grateful in any given situation.

Because habits are mostly involuntary actions, we might not even realise we’re doing them. We may consider them normal, standard practise and assume everyone else does the same thing. But any regular pattern of behaviour has been learnt over time.

Forming new habits, good or bad is very possible. Our brains are very open to been rewired if we so choose. But is takes time. Some suggest 21 days of doing something consistently will guarantee a changed ‘operating system’, new ‘default settings’, new behaviours becoming a standard part of our routine. 

It’s thought that the best way to stop a bad habit is to replace it with it a new more healthy habit rather than just leave a gap in our routine. So rather than biting your nails, eat a mint every time you get the urge. Or every time you  notice yourself speaking negatively to yourself, counteract it with  a more positive alternative.

Our wellbeing could undoubtedly be improved by eliminating some bad habits and taking up some new better ones. We’re unlikely to be successful at this if we try to change too many things at the same time though. The key might be to focus on changing just one thing….

You may already be really clear about what habit you could change to improve your wellbeing. If not, here are a few suggestions of habits that might be good and bad for our wellbeing:

Take a few moments to consider now…

As you think through the things you do regularly, which things are less helpful to your wellbeing? If you could stop doing that thing, what difference would it make to you? What difference would it make to others around you? What would it take for you to stop doing that thing?

What would be a healthier alternative? If you could start doing that one thing, what difference would it make to you? What difference would it make to others around you? What would it take to start doing that thing?

Could you commit to your new habit for 21 days and see what happens?

Recognising the power we have by Ben Harper

In every great plot line, there’s a character that overcomes some adversity; maybe something terrible has happened to them or maybe they’ve been born into less than perfect conditions. Think Simba in the Lion King, Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Jack in Jack in the Beanstalk. In these plot lines, the character must find some help, some inner resource, some opportunity that allows them to become a winner rather than a victim. These stories are all designed to provide hope, optimism, and inspiration to us as we navigate our own life events or less than perfect conditions.

These stories are perhaps very different to our own (I can’t remember the last time I had escape the clutches of an evil uncle or run from a giant), and they might also have simpler solutions than those that we might need. Life is often a bit more complex than the world of fairy tales.   

When challenging events happen or circumstances pile up around us, we can feel stripped of power to do anything about them, but what the fairy tales teach us is that we served best by seeing what we can do and doing it, rather than simply believing ourselves to be the victim of circumstances. Please don’t mishear me. I’m not suggesting that the challenges you have faced, do face and will face are not hard. And I’m not suggesting you just ‘suck it up and get on with it’. But what I am suggesting is that we are served best by is recognising what power and opportunities we do have.

Viktor Frankl was a psychologist who lived through life in a concentration camp during the second world war. He went on to write about his experiences and support those who had also survived. He wrote

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

This man had endured some of the hardest of life’s circumstances but survived by choosing not to become a victim. By choosing to see what he could change, and what he couldn’t.

We always have the choice to talk kindly to ourselves, we always have the chance to talk to someone who will listen and we (nearly) always have the choice to take time out to do nice things for ourselves. Over time, we also have the choice to invest time in connecting with ourselves, others and ‘Other’; many of the resources we produce for Well? will help you to do that.

We become more empowered when we start to believe in our ability to affect, influence (even in small ways) the little things around us. We become more empowered when we see what we can do.

TRY THIS

Ask yourself these questions …

• What feels challenging for you at this time?

• What would self care look like as you face this challenge?

• What power DO you have?

• What help IS available?

• What will you do next?

Self care is not selfish

It’s ok to care for yourself. Let that sink in for a moment.

Of course it’s good to help others, that’s definitely true. There is some research that says when we care for others, it releases all sorts of nice hormones in us that make us feel good. That might be self care in and of itself.

But if we only help others, and don’t ever take out for ourselves, we might be in danger of becoming resentful, exhausted, overwhelmed, burnt out. At the very worst, we might only be helping others to meet our needs to make ourselves feel good; that’s not healthy for either person.

We may prioritise other people’s needs over our own for a whole host of reasons…

• We don’t think we need to look after ourselves; we’re ok thank you

• We feel good about ourselves when we help others and so we’d rather do that

• We don’t feel our needs are legitimate, real or important enough

• It feels vulnerable to admit we need anything 

Self care is about recognising the opposite of the things above:

• We all need help sometimes

• We can feel good by caring for ourselves

• Our needs are important

• It’s ok to be vulnerable

An analogy often used when talking about self care is the oxygen mask analogy taken from the pre take off safety talk you get on a plane; “Please fit your own oxygen mask before helping others”. The problem with this analogy is that it focuses on self care only being something you do when there’s an emergency. It’s important that self care is something that is planned in and prioritised for all of us to prevent the emergency. Yes, when there are times of crisis, we may need to do even more self care, but let’s also see the value in having it planned in as part of our regular rhythms.

Self care will look different for each of us, but essentially involves acting and talking to yourself like you would act and talk to a best friend. It might be giving yourself time to do the things you love, giving yourself little treats, speaking words of affirmation to yourself, doing things that positively stimulate your senses like wrapping up in warm blanket or listening to your favourite music. Or it could be investing time in tasks that save you time in the long run like cooking a meal in advance, or tidying/sorting/cleaning.

TRY THIS

Consider these questions for a few moments:

• I wonder what your biggest barriers are to self care?

• I wonder what would happen if those barrier were removed for a week?

• I wonder if it’s possible to remove one of those barriers for just one day?

• I wonder what self care looks like for you in the next 48 hours?

What we have

I watched a programme recently where a man had made a contraption that captures methane from compost which he and his family then used for cooking. The contraption was made from all sorts of bits that he had salvaged and saved; the whole thing made for free from apparently nothing!

I’m not sure if I’d feel that resourceful. But the story did make me wonder if I may have more resources available to me than I think. Let me explain…

Taking stock

The last couple of years will have taken away resources from us, and given us some new ones. Taking stock of what we have is important; we might be trying to do too much with what we have or not be making the most of something we do have.

Noting our reality can be helpful in maximising our resources to the benefit of ourselves and others. It’s about doing a ‘stock check’ so we know what we have to ‘play’ with.

Resources can take forms…

Financial: the money we have at our disposal

Assets: the items we have; our homes, our equipment, our belongings.

Time: we will all have time commitments that are non-negotiable and time available we have some choice over

Skills: the things we’ve learnt to do well through a mixture of innate ability and practise

Character traits: the way we naturally approach things

Experiences: the things we’ve been through, and the things we’ve learnt from them

Knowledge: those subjects we know ‘stuff’ about

Influence: the people who listen to our opinion, advice or direction

Relationships: the people who support, encourage and help us

Inner: the energy, wisdom and perspective we draw upon to keep us going

So, this week, we’re inviting you to note what you have, and in particular note any changes to these things that have occurred. Take some time to jot down some thoughts about each of the resources listed above.

• I wonder what are you more resourced to do than you were pre-pandemic?

• I wonder what you are less resourced to do than you were pre-pandemic?

• I wonder if you have any underused resources?

• I wonder if there are resources that are too stretched?

• I wonder what further resources you can access? 

This article is written by Ben Harper. You can continue the conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach

EMPATHY NOT SYMPATHY

In this week’s blog, we will be focusing on how you can support those around you using empathy and not sympathy. 

Brene Brown states ‘empathy fuels connection, sympathy derives disconnection’. 

What is empathy? 

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand the situation from their perspective. It is to feel what the other person is feeling. 

What is sympathy? 

Sympathy, on the other hand, is the expression of pity, sorrow or compassion towards someone or a situation. 

While sympathy may sound like it is a good thing to express, empathy is the approach that we should take when listening to others and trying to help them. Expressing sympathy, although while having pure intentions, can sometimes have the wrong effect as it can lead people to feel misunderstood or even belittled. However, empathy can lead to better communication and understanding and this can then lead to a healthy discussion about how to support someone who is in need of some help. 

How can we adopt an empathetic approach?

• Listen to understand - Often when someone is speaking to us, we listen and formulate a response in our minds, at the same time. However, simply just listening to the person first can be very helpful in understanding them and where they are coming from.

• Phrase your responses carefully - Often, we can fall into the trap of what Brene Brown calls ‘silver lining’ a bad situation instead of letting the person know that we understand them. Phrasing your responses like ‘I wish you didn’t have to go through that’ or ‘I can’t imagine what that must feel like, but it sounds hard’ can be really beneficial and helpful in making someone feel heard.

• Careful observation - Sometimes, we may not realise, but those around us may be struggling with someone and they may be in need of a helping hand. Observing people carefully through noticing and remembering little details about them, can help you spot when someone needs help sooner rather than later, putting you in a position to support them early on. 

TRY THIS… 

• During this week, try to listen intentionally to the people around you from a standpoint of empathy 

• Rather than trying to fix or solve things, try one of the three things listed above.

• Reflect on the impact this has on them. Reflect on the impact this has on you.  

Asking for Help

Asking for help, more often than not, can be a very challenging task for most people. Part of the reason why may be because to ask for help you are required to put yourself in a position of vulnerability; you are required to expose a part of yourself that maybe no one else knows. However, asking for help and support is often really important when you are experiencing change.

Having a support system in place is a very powerful and important in providing you with someone or something that you can fall back on and know that it will be there for you. This support system should provide you with the emotional or physical help that you require.  Conversations with people who support you can help you to see things from different perspectives, perhaps influencing you to make those positive changes in your life. But most importantly, it allows you to form real human connection with one another and deep relationships full of trust, understanding and compassion for one another.

Brene Brown says

“staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection”.

One of the main barriers that most people face when asking for help is vulnerability, however, almost every human connection is born out of vulnerability. Often, people are afraid of being vulnerable and sharing how they feel because they believe that no one will understand them or that they are the only ones feeling a certain way. However, from my own experiences and having heard many others, I know for a fact that you are rarely alone. Most emotions are common to the human experience. All you have to do is speak up. Take the first step towards vulnerability, towards asking for help. There is power in vulnerability - it allows for you to accept who you are, form meaningful connections with others but most importantly, understand that you are not alone.

TRY THIS

To help you take the first step towards asking for help and support, I give these four steps a try:

1. Allow yourself time to come to terms with the fact that it is okay to be vulnerable - one of the best ways to do this is to be compassionate with yourself, to allow yourself space to be you.

2. Think of one thing (big or small) that has been bothering you that you have not shared with anyone else.

3. Think of one person or a group of people that you trust.

4. Confide in them, whether that’s by writing it down and handing the paper to them or through a face to face conversation - be vulnerable, trust in them.

Gratitude in Change by Ben Harper

During times of change, it can be easy to become overwhelmed. Our brains may be managing and processing a lot of new information, and they can become tired.

Within these resources, we have talked frequently about the importance of gratitude for our wellbeing. It’s thought that taking time to be thankful can have a really positive effect on our wellbeing at any time, but during times of change, this may be even more important.

Being intentionally grateful; noticing, naming and drawing our attention to that which is good, trains our brains to notice positives as we go about our day to day.

In times of change, we may lose sight of the ‘good’.

We may become easily consumed by the challenging. There is always good to be found, even in the most challenging times; the kindness of people, beauty in nature, little wins. This doesn’t mean the challenges aren’t challenging! It’s just that taking time to notice the good, supports our brain to manage the challenges better.

So take some time now to stop and notice the good….

TRY THIS …

What three things have you seen, heard or experienced that have been good?

1.

2.

3.

Can you tell the story about one of these?

Replay the event in your minds eye and try and recreate the experience for someone else by giving them details about sounds, sights, smells, feelings, tastes. Writing this down or recording yourself on voice memo might help you to do this.

did you know?

Research tells us, that people who do this once a day for 21 days, rewire their brains to notice the positives more readily, and as a result they feel happier and more well.

This might be something you want to try for a season or something you want to make a long term habit out of. It may be especially important during times of change in helping you manage well.

NOTICING, NAMING, ACCEPTING - BY FATIMA SHAHZAD

Change is inevitable in everyone’s life.

Along with the things around us, we, as humans, are constantly changing and growing. Sometimes, we find change to be refreshing and uplifting whereas other times we can find it to be unsettling or hard to accept. This is completely normal.

In this week’s blog I would like to introduce you to the technique of noticing, naming and accepting how we feel. In just these three simple steps, we can adjust and come to terms with how we feel about the change much more easily.

Step 1 - Noticing

In our everyday lives, due to being used to our daily routines, any time a change happens it can feel different. It can invite new feelings for us that we may not have experienced before. Noticing these feelings towards the change is the first crucial step that will lead you to accept how you feel regarding that change. To give this a go, I would like to encourage you to notice how you feel about a change in your life - this change can be as small as going to sleep ten minutes later each night to a big change such as a new job. I would like you to write down or reflect on what kinds of feelings you have noticed towards the change in your life.

Step 2 - Naming

Once we notice these feelings towards the changes in our lives, we can then give them a name. Giving the feeling a name will allow you to come to terms with the feeling as it will allow you to organize, describe and make the feeling real. This will allow you to form a connection with the feeling which will lead you towards the last step of this technique - the acceptance. For step 2, the naming, I would like to invite you to give the feelings that you noticed in step 1 a name - it doesn’t have to be a feeling that already exists for example happiness or sadness - you can name it whatever you would like it to be called. It is your feeling and yours to name.

Step 3 - Acceptance

Once you have noticed and named the feeling, you are now fully aware of your feelings towards the change in your life. To work towards accepting that feeling, I would like to encourage you to write down positive affirmations for yourself that allow you to feel at ease with that feeling. For example, ‘this feeling is completely okay’, ‘this change and the feelings that come with it will allow me to understand myself better and grow as a person’. I would also like to encourage you to embrace the feeling as much as you can without shying away from it. The more you embrace it and let yourself feel, the easier it will be to accept how you feel towards the change.

Resilient Hope

this is an unusual painting …

Having spend years in faith and wellbeing settings I’m used to Hope being talked up in very bullish terms. Hope is visionary, joyful, expansive, strong. Yet when I saw this painting for the first time I was captivated by it.

Hope by George Frederick Watts was painted in 1886. He was seeking a different view of hope and so depicts a woman, seated on the globe but blindfolded. Her lyre has only one string unbroken. Apparently many at the time wanted to re-title the picture ‘despair.’ Others saw it as a master-piece.

What sort of hope is this?

On one hand all looks lost for this woman and this world that Watts depicted. Blind, alone and hardly with a string left to play. Hope here might not be expectant.

Yet, hope still exists. That one string is still left. The lady hasn’t yet begun to sing. Whilst there’s life there is … apparently hope.

As I reflected on the painting the question arose in my mind what I thought hope was. I believe hope is vital because it gives me the ability to see beyond pain and difficulty into the future. It doesn’t remove the pain or suffering but it says they’ll be another day.

As I pondered Watts’ painting I felt more comfortable with it. Another day will come, even if its with one string and blindfolded. This is a resilient hope. I choose to hope.

Spend some time looking at the image.

1. What does it say to you?

2. What sort of hope does it speak of to you? Do you recognise that sort of hope?

3. What strength can this sort of hope give you for today and going forward?

You can find more about Hope and George Frederick Watts at the Tate website.

Picture from Wikimedia Commons.

Reflective Experiences by Fatima Shahzad

Oftentimes in life we can go about our days and feel a range of different emotions everyday.

Sometimes, we don't actually stop to think about all the emotions we feel and why we feel them. Therefore, the next day, we often feel the same emotions. Without acknowledging and understanding our emotions, it can be quite draining and difficult to understand ourselves.

Taking some time to understand ourselves each day (week or month, whatever suits you best), leads us to understand, ourselves, leading us to become more aware of our feelings.

I have actively taken part in a reflective experience first-hand where when i went to therapy, my therapist encouraged me to understand my feelings and emotions.

They encouraged me to log my everyday activities in a weekly grid that she printed out for me. She then got me to write my activities down and encouraged me to write the emotion down next to the activity. I wrote about each activity that I did and the feeling it gave me for example ‘eating - joy’. This allowed me to understand which activities allowed me to feel at my best and which activities I needed to slightly change to lead a more.

I took on board her activity and completed it. Engaging in this activity, really helped me to understand what activities were beneficial for me. This lead to me have more awareness of my feelings and lead to a better understanding of them which allowed me to actively work towards achieving a more peaceful self and doing the things that made me happier. Being in tune and aware of your emotions and knowing what makes you happy / sad can change your days and make them that bit more happier and enjoyable

TRY THIS …

-       Write down your activities each day

-       Write down the emotions that those activities brought you

-       Then reflect on it at the end of the week / day letting yourself understand yourself better - asking yourself questions like ‘what could I do to improve?’ ‘which activities bring me joy/sadness?’

This is a task that requires some effort and reflective work on your part but once it is done, it is the kind of work that will only ever result in self-care and self-understanding, which will ultimately lead you to a more peaceful self, being in tune with your body and feelings.

Boundaries by Fatima Shahzad & Andy Freeman

If you’re familiar with wellbeing topics or read anything around the subject of self-care you’ll probably have read something about healthy boundaries. But what are they and how do they help our wellbeing?

Boundaries help you to establish healthy and meaningful relationships, not only with those around you but also with yourself. Boundaries are a way of self-care which allow you to do more of what makes you happy without feeling guilty about it. Having healthy boundaries set in place is essential in every individual’s life. 

For example, everyone has different things that they class as acceptable versus unacceptable. For example, you may be okay with something that the person next to you isn’t okay with. Here, having boundaries is really important. If you have established boundaries then it helps you develop a clear stance on certain topics, making it easier for you to say no to the things that you do not agree with and yes to the ones you do. This allows you to develop an understanding and come to terms with the fact that it is okay to say no to things that you do not want to do. 

Another example might be in work, where you have time or relationships you want to protect. A boundary might be limiting how much overtime you take or whether you take work home. These sorts of boundaries protect the things and people we care about and lead to us living healthier lives.

There are many ways that boundaries can be implemented.

Firstly, I would try some self reflection to understand about things, ideas, people or time that is important to you. This can be anything from the little things to the biggest ones. You might want to create an understanding about behaviour, a limit to something or create healthy space in an area of tension. All of these choices are valid and important.

One area to look at might be things we say yes or no to. Check out todays Shhh… meditation for more on that. Each time we say yes to something, we are in effect saying no to something else because of the limits of time. Make your yes count.

To establish these boundaries and have them set in place for you to follow and act on, it is vital that you first and foremost understand yourself and what kind of things are acceptable to you. Once you have done this, it will allow you to establish healthy boundaries and put them in place for yourself and for others around you. 

TRY THIS…

To help you understand yourself to implement healthy boundaries here are some questions you can ask yourself … 

• Think back on two situations in your life where 1 - you felt happy and 2 - where you felt uncomfortable and sad - what was the difference?

• Think of the things that you like to do versus the things that you do not like to do - what is the difference between them? 

• What do you love to do? How does it make you feel? Why is it important to do more of what you love?

• Remember that saying yes to something creates a no somewhere else. What do you want to say yes or no to?

Once you’ve self reflected try and think of a few boundaries to create to enhance, protect and value the things you’ve mentioned above. Here’s a few examples:

• I will keep an hour free on Fridays to walk because I like that.

• I will limit the amount of time I drive because I don’t enjoy it that much. I’ll try to use public transport more.

• I won’t take any bookings or work things on a Wednesday night because I want to make time for a date night.

• If I feel like I’m saying yes when I don’t want to, I’ll ask for more time to think about things.

These simple boundaries might take time to work out, and you may feel you need to change them, but they’ll make a healthy difference to your life. Why not give it a go?

Introducing Balance

I have a confession. I neither love or hate Marmite. I’m just ok about it. Some days I’m in a Marmite kind of mood, and other days I’m not. Is that OK? I feel like I need to make a decision, nail my colours to the mast, come down on one side of the fence. But I’m not ready to make that kind of statement. Maybe that makes me hard to understand. Or just hard to cater for when I go for to someone’s house for breakfast? I can imagine my friends having all these late night quandaries: ‘Do we put out the marmite or not in the morning?’ 

We seem to love certainty, absolutes, extremes of views. It helps us to pin point someone into one of our boxes; Labour or Conservative; City person or Country person; pineapple should be on pizza or pineapple should be nowhere near pizza. We’re less comfortable with ambiguity. 

Our attempts to understand ourselves might have a similar trend.

Are we the kind of person who believes that or this?

Are we the kind of person who can or can’t do that thing?

Do we hang out with people from that ‘tribe’ or this ‘tribe’?

Over recent years, we have seen people’s views polarise more and more.

Technology (social media, search engines, music apps) gives us back what we ‘put in’, serving to entrench us, immerse us, further reinforce whatever views, interests, preferences we might hint we already have, all in the interests of serving the users unique preferences. This has some benefits, but it primarily serves the advertisers who use this data to target their messages to what they see as their key demographic. 

This month, we want to think about balance - the importance of getting things in the ‘right’ proportions for our health and wellbeing.

Balance requires us to recognise extremes and find the right proportion for us; work/rest/play, structure/spontaneity, time with others/time alone, giving/receiving are perhaps just some of things we need to find balance in. None of this will happen when we prize absolutes, extremes, certainty. Balance comes when we accept that there can be value in many different things. It’s a time, place and proportion thing rather than a right or wrong thing. It’s possible to have too much of a good thing, and not having enough of some things can leave us feeling incomplete.  

Now back to Marmite. Once when I was younger, I made my younger brother marmite on toast. In my generosity, I spread it on thick; thick like you might spread chocolate spread on to toast. He graciously ate it, and later came out in a rather nasty rash. He was understandably put off Marmite forever! I wonder what this says about the importance of balance? I wonder where the ‘lesson’ is in this event? I wonder what might have prevented his life time aversion to Marmite?   

TRY THIS …

Take some time to ask yourself these questions

• Why is balance important?

• What happens when people don’t find balance?

• What prevents people finding balance in their lives?

• What extremes are acceptable? Not acceptable?  

Why not write down some thoughts and come back to them during the course of this month?

Article by Ben Harper. You can carry on the conversation with Ben on his Twitter @wellbeingteach.

FIVE SENSES by rebecca cooke

The five senses – Hearing, Seeing, Smelling, Touching, and Tasting – represent our earliest sensory experiences in the world. Yet how often do we really pay attention to what these critical pathways are telling us?

More often than not, we allow them to become dulled by the constant distractions present in modern life. We forget how powerful our senses are, and we lose touch with the ability to fully perceive the wholeness of our existence.

Therefore, the five senses can be a great focal point for basic meditation practice, or as a warm-up before any more traditional meditation.

I would like to invite you to take parr in the following meditation that brings together the five senses, whilst allowing you to explore each of them individually and ensuring that your attention is solely focused on one thing at a time.

TO GET READY

You may want to begin in a sitting position, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths (five sounds like a good number, doesn’t it?), and begin gently – calling to attention each sensory window, going one experience at a time.

MEDITATION

Listen – let the sound of your environment (or lack of sound) call you to the present moment. Let each moment’s passing reveal some new element you may not have ordinarily noticed. Reflect, breathe, and move forward.

Look – open your eyes and carefully note the colours, shapes and textures that surround you. What areas of movement or areas of stillness attract the eye? Reflect, breathe, and move forward.

Smell – close your eyes again and breathe in through your nose, absorbing fully the scent of your surroundings. Observe which sensations feel like natural smells and artificial smells. Reflect, breathe, and move forward.

Touch – you can hold a small object such as a stone or meditation mala, or you can simply reach forward and touch the earth. Let the feeling of “touching” tether you to the environment, connecting you with the physical reality of your existence. Reflect, breathe, and move forward.

Taste – whether you taste, air, water, an item of food, or the back of your hand – find a way to awaken the most intimate sense and observe how the experience gives insight into the inner portion of your being. Reflect, breathe, and move forward.

By frequently calling to attention and sharpening the senses before and during meditation, we may learn to reconnect with our bodies, reconnect with the sensations of the present moment, and better understand the gift of life that we experience with each rise and fall of our breath.

Spaces of Calm by Fatima Shahzad

One of things that best supports a feeling of calm is that we are in a calm space. This is because calm spaces often lead us to engage in mindfulness activities in a much more effective manner, helping us to understand ourselves and achieve a state of calm. Sometimes it can be quite challenging to distinguish a calm space from a not calm space, and so in this blog, I will touch on a few factors that make for a calm space and some of the positive things a calm space can result in.

So what makes a space calm?

Oftentimes, a calm space is one that is tidy. This is where the saying ‘tidy space, tidy mind’ really comes into play, as being in a tidy space can result in your mind feeling less busy and more at peace. A calm space can also be one that is made up of or has calming colours within it. These can essentially be any colours that you find calm but the ones most commonly classed as being ‘calming colours’ are deep blue which is associated with easing anxiety and stress or purple which often represents power, which can lead you to feel empowered to achieve your goals if included in your calm space.

Having some flowers and plants in your space can often lead it to become a calm and peaceful space. This is because plants can provide a sense of purpose as you are having to look after them, and can prove to be a really good distraction from worrying thoughts, which in turn leads to the reduction of stress and leads you to achieve a calm mind. 

Whilst having the right exterior environment is really important to achieving a calm space, one of the most important aspects of a calm space might be having the right people around you. Having people that you know love you, want the best for you and are genuinely appreciative of you, can provide a real boost in your mood, uplifting it, which ultimately leads to a calmer self and mind. Having people that love and support you, around you, can instantly change any space that you are in, into a calm and happy one where you feel comfortable and you can thrive and achieve your goals while being in a state of calm. 

What a ‘calm space’ is will differ from person to person - different individuals will have different definitions of calm spaces and that is completely fine. Some may find a tidy space more calm whereas others may find a messy place as calming. Each person will have their own unique views on what makes a space tidy. So, I leave you with this…

Try this …

• Have a little think about what a calm space looks like to you?

• Who is in your calm space?

• What does a calm space mean to you?

Digital Detox by Fatima Shahzad

In this week’s theme, we will be focusing on calming the mind, especially how we calm the mind by unplugging from the digital world.

Our dependence on digital technology can often lead us to have a stressful and less calm mind. Oftentimes, it is hard to unplug from a world that is fast-paced where technology is dominant in our everyday lives. Maybe engaging in a digital detox could help? 

A ‘digital detox’ refers to a dedicated amount of time spent away from technology. It could be one of the most helpful and beneficial ways to bring your mind calm.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF A DIGITAL DETOX?

There could be many benefits of engaging with a digital detox. Some of these might be:

• More in control of your time - by taking a break from technology, you can dedicate time to doing activities that you love such as creative arts or seeing family and friends, bringing your mind calm.

• Form real-life connections By sharing real-life experiences and moments with people, places and things, you are able to create connections and memories that you will cherish forever.

• Build your self-esteem - step away from the digital world of comparison and self-doubt and step towards a more positive and calm world of self-love.  

HOW TO TAKE PART IN A DIGITAL DETOX?

There are various ways we can detox digitally, and not all of them involve giving up our digital devices completely. Here are some ways of reducing our digital intake, and creating more space for calm in our lives:  

Muting notifications
Always getting updated on the online world, whether it be on social media or your work-life can be quite overwhelming and can disturb the calm of your mind, that’s why muting notifications is a really effective way to let go of the online world and be present in the real world.

Deleting the news app

Rangan Chatterjee's book 'The Stress Solution', encourages readers to delete the news app on their phones. Chatterjee discusses in his book that you should ‘only consume news when, and if you want to’. He also adds: ‘I did this a few years and it has transformed my stress levels’; showing you real life proof that taking part in a digital detox results in a less stressful and more calm mind.

No-phone time
Put your phone to one side for a dedicated amount of time. I encourage you to do this during the morning, just after waking up. This will lead you to truly appreciate a new day. I also encourage you to do this in the evening, just before bed. Instead of scrolling on your phone, you could try doing a reflective exercise, reflecting on your day and ask yourself questions such as ‘what brought my mind calm today?’ ‘how can I take part in more calming activities tomorrow?’

TRY THIS…

• Set yourself a small amount of time aside each week - whatever feels right for you.

• During that time, I invite you to unplug from the world.

• You can unplug however you like - by turning off your phone, muting digital media apps, news alerts or email notifications - or  by doing all of these things

• Be really present in the moment and think about the following questions

• How does unplugging from technology and taking part in the digital detox feel to me?

• How can I make it a part of my life?

Sometimes, taking a step back from the digital world is all that we need to calm our minds and form strong connections with the things, people and places that contribute to our calm. What I would like you to remember is that taking part in a digital detox is a journey that takes time, it will be unique to everyone and it is okay to make mistakes on this journey. So don't worry about others, give the digital detox a go, start where you feel comfortable and slowly build it up, helping yourself achieve a calm mind.

The Honest Self by Rebecca Cooke 

When it comes to self-compassion and self-care, being honest with ourselves plays an important part in our ability to understand our inner self and needs. This can help us to move towards greater self-acceptance. This can be an extremely difficult thing to do, and many of us will fall into what is called self-deception. This is where we lie to ourselves by having false ideas about things and refuse to acknowledge the truth. In the end, all this does is cause us more harm than good. We may do this because we can find the truth about ourselves unpleasant. The Greek philosopher Plato once said:

“The worst of all deceptions is self-deception.”

We can all engage in self-deception for various reasons. Sometimes, it may be because we don’t have the psychological strength needed at that time to admit the truth and deal with the consequences. This does not make you weak in anyway, and if anything, just makes you more of a human being.

“Cognitive dissonance” a term developed by psychologist Leon Festinger refers to a situation in which we find ourselves involved in contradictory attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours. This produces feelings of discomfort and leads to changes in our attitudes, beliefs, or behaviours. We may do this in order to minimize the tension and discomfort we feel. However, these lies only take us further away from the truth and further away from being truly honest with ourselves. As humans it seems we are best at, and find it easiest to, fool ourselves.

Self-acceptance and honesty are hard, and facing up to that can be daunting. Fortunately, there are various ways in which you can do so, and it can be done in small steps. When we do this it can improve the relationship we have with ourselves, as well as improve our lives. A quote by author Walter Anderson that may help you take the step towards your honest self is:

“Our lives improve only when we take chances – and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.”

First of all, remember to be patient with yourself, reaching the full honest self is a journey and takes time. Try to approach your honest self-non-judgementally and with love and openness.

If you feel like you want to approach your honest self and move towards self-acceptance, then maybe try this….

Take a piece of paper and write down a list of all the things you dislike about yourself, that make you feel uncomfortable, and the things you try to ignore or block out. For example, you may not feel comfortable expressing anger so ignore that emotion and block it out or find unhealthy ways of dealing with it instead of allowing yourself to express it. All emotions are normal, even the ones we don’t always feel comfortable with, but acknowledging that and letting ourselves sit with those feelings can help us move toward a more self-accepting honest self.

Simple Self-Care by Fatima Shahzad

Often when we think of engaging in self care we think we need to implement a really complex and large self-care routine which often leads us to put pressure on ourselves to see it through.

However, I would like to encourage you to bear in mind that self-care doesn't have to be complex. It can be completed via the simplest of tasks - little things that you can do to take care of yourself such as getting a good night’s sleep or having enough water. Implementing simple self care routines could be more important than more complicated and large scale ones, as they provide the foundations for our life as a whole.

Simple self-care might involve:

• having enough water

• going for a walk

• getting enough sleep

• sitting in the sun

• exercising at least once a week

• seeing your friends and family more often

These are some very broad suggestions that will be applicable to anyone and everyone.

Other ways of including simple self-care routines might be more personal to you; if you know you have certain interests, for example reading, then it might be good to read more often as this will allow you to escape reality for a little while and also allow you to have some time away from your phone. Alternatively, if you know you have a particular interest in baking, it might be good to commit to baking once a week, or if you know you like to listen to a podcast, give that a go once a week etc. Doing more of the things that you love will increase your sense of happiness and calm overall.

TIPS FOR ADDING TO YOUR SELF CARE ROUTINE

1. Start by figuring out what means the most to you, what brings you the most calm and the most happiness? As well as this, what are you currently lacking that you should be doing more off - e.g. getting more rest or finding a perfect work / life balance.

2. Once you have found some things, choose just one or two to work on; trying to make too many changes all at once can be quite overwhelming. Start small and stay consistent with it. Build your self care routine over time and slowly. This will keep you motivated to carry on implementing these activities and allow you to achieve the best self care results.

3. Write down how your day has gone with the self care activity now implemented into your day/week and notice what difference it is making.

4. After some time, you could try to add one more thing into your self care routine

Working with others to find balance

This  month we’ve been exploring ‘balance’; finding the ‘sweet spot’ between two extremes. We’ve been talking about how finding balance is important for our wellbeing.

Whether it finding balance between work and rest, or being healthy and indulging, or being planned and being spontaneous, the right balance between these things will be different for everyone depending on our personality, current priorities, and circumstances.

A challenge is that we don’t find balance in isolation. It has to be negotiated with those we live, work and are in any kind of relationship with. Doing that isn’t easy, but here are a few things that might help us:

REFLECT

Take some time to reflect on each of these ideas ….

DIFFERENCE

We need to start by acknowledging and valuing difference. It’s ok that one person wants to work a 60 hour week, and it’s ok that another person doesn’t. It’s ok that one person wants to spend more time in the countryside, and it’s ok that another person wants to spend more time in the city. It’s ok that that one person likes marmite, and another one doesn’t. We are all unique and being able to respect other people’s preferences and needs is important. We can’t expect people to respect ours, if we’re not prepared to accept theirs.

FREEDOM

Everyone needs to be given respect and freedom to find balance for themselves. They can be helped and guided, but they mustn’t be forced. Some people are ready to bring more balance to their lives, others have not reached a point where they can acknowledge this, others have already found it even though it may not look like it to us!

BOUNDARIES

We need to work out our own boundaries. As we negotiate the needs, demands and requests of others, we need to be clear what things will lead to immediate ‘unbalance’ in us, and what things can be tolerated for a certain amount of time. Do we have any non-negotiables? These might be graded into things you will never do, things you will only occasionally do, and things you’re always happy to do. Most people who like time alone can gain some pleasure or at least tolerate being sociable for a period of time, and most people can spend a little more time being inactive than they would like.

CONFIDENCE

We need to be confident to assert what we need. This will require us to give ourselves permission to have needs, and believe our wellbeing is important enough to be able to state them. This isn’t easy, and we will need to be brave in stating them. Phrases like “I’m realising that something that would help me to feel more balanced is…” “I would really benefit from a bit more/less…..” could be helpful.

PLANNING

Balance might take some intention and planning and negotiating. Carving out time, saving money, making plans with others might be necessary for us to create a balanced life. Some of this investment might need to be joint investment of those with whom we do life with. If running with friends once a week is something that brings balance to my life, I can’t guarantee my friends will be up for this unless we’ve made a plan with them ahead of time.

Finding balance is an ongoing process, and we can often be helped by those around us. To enlist their help, we will need to find ways of helping others understand what it is we want and need. Likewise, we can be support others to find balance in their lives when we seek to understand what they need and help them to get it. 

AT HOME WITH OUR SELF

This week we think about the self feeling ‘at home.’

We all need a physical home, but we can come to believe that home is only a physical place. Home is also an emotional space within us. To find it, we will need to look inside ourselves and be honest, open, forgiving, compassionate and loving with ourselves. This way, we don’t have to go looking for home elsewhere, because we have created it within our own mind and body. Finding home within ourself is largely about self acceptance.

What is self acceptance?

Often many people confuse self-acceptance and self-esteem. However, the two mean very different things. Self-esteem refers to whether you feel you are worthwhile, valuable, and generally good, whereas self-acceptance is the complete acceptance of oneself. It’s an acceptance of all our attributes whether we see them as positive or negative; to fully accept who we are, we cannot just embrace the attributes we define as valuable, good, positive, or desirable, we have to also embrace the less desirable parts of ourselves. If we cannot do that then we will never reach full self-acceptance.

Psychologist Seltzer (2008) who has an array of research around self-acceptance defines it as the following:

“Self-acceptance is exactly what its name suggests: the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True self-acceptance is embracing who you are, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions”.

Why is it so hard to achieve full self-acceptance?

There are often many obstacles that can make self-acceptance a difficult place to reach. These could include a lack of self-awareness and self-knowledge. Many of us often don’t fully understand and know who we are because we don’t take the time to do so. Another obstacle may be that we do not want to acknowledge the parts of ourselves we deem negative. These can vary vastly from one person to another. It could be the way we choose to ignore trauma faced as a child or adult because it is easier to ignore than accept. It may be that we struggle to connect with emotions we think are negative and so instead of trying to become attuned to those emotions and exploring and accepting them, we avoid them at all costs. It could be the fact that often in the world we live in we are shamed for various negative actions or that we are too hard on ourselves and unwilling to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make. Mistakes are natural and happen to all of us but often we punish ourselves because it means we are not perfect. All this does is lead to feelings of shame, disappointment, and a consistent criticism of everything we do.

I invite you to try and think about self-acceptance in the following way: self-acceptance sets the stage for growth motivated by curiosity, inspiration, and self-care. That sounds a lot better than feeling motivated by self-rejection and shame.

Self-acceptance is a work-in-progress and along the journey if we choose to take it, we should be kind and compassionate to ourselves whilst trying to truly accept the uniqueness of the person we are. American researcher Brené Brown well known for her work on vulnerability and shame states:

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

TRY THIS …

How can we improve and nurture self-acceptance? 

There are various ways that we can try to work towards acceptance of oneself. I invite you to read through the following few helpful tools for building self-acceptance and if you feel inspired or interested in any of the tools then please feel free to attempt them in your own time and at your own pace. Remember, taking care of our wellbeing is an individual process for each and every one of us. The journey you decide to take is your choice. I just hope these tools may help you on your way.

Tool 1: Positive self-talk. I invite you to sit and say out loud if you feel comfortable to do so, or just to yourself, the following statements: 

¨     “I am a good and caring person and deserve to be treated with respect.”

¨     “I am capable of achieving success in my life.”

¨     “There are people who love me and will be there for me when I need them.”

¨     “I deserve to be happy.”

¨      “I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.”

Repeat each statement, or if you don’t like these statements feel free to create some that are more personal to yourself and then acknowledge them and absorb them. Try to do this multiple times a week if possible.

Tool 2: Relaxed awareness.  

I invite you to close your eyes for a minute, and instead of pushing thoughts away or trying to focus on your breath, just softly notice your thoughts, feelings, and body. You might see negative thoughts or emotions — that’s OK. Just notice them, watch them. Don’t try to turn them into positive thoughts or push them away. Try and practice this for 5 minutes a day if possible.

Tool 3: Forgive yourself.

I invite you to sit in a safe space and think of the following: Think of your past self as a different person, and that you can only change what you can control right now, which is your present self. When you reframe your mind this way, it generates self-compassion. You begin to understand that what you dislike about yourself today is because you judge your past self-based on your current self, who needed to make that mistake in the first place.

Calming the Body - by Ben Harper

Our bodies often store unprocessed stress. Think of the tight shoulders, or the stress headache you might get. Others experience stress in their stomachs, or in the tightness of the chest. Our bodies and brains are very closely linked. And there is increasing evidence that our physical health is improved or compromised by our mental health. (the other way around may also be true, but today we focus on things being this way around!)

Reading the body for signs of stress, can help us to be more aware of it, and being more aware of it, can help us then to address it. Addressing it may involve working to remove the stress, doing calming activities or simply noticing, naming and accepting that this is how we are feeling.

Meeting the Body where it’s at

Another approach to addressing what the body is telling us is to start by meeting our body where it’s at, and then working with it to bring it to a calmer place.

So if we notice our shoulders are tense, we tense them more, before releasing them…

• If we notice ourselves feeling agitated and restless, we engage in something active, before slowing the pace down gradually…

• If we notice our breathe is short and shallow, we breathe more intentionally like this, before gradually changing it to longer and deeper breaths.

This approach is about coming alongside your body, being with your body, meeting it where it’s at.

By being alongside it, you become more able to accompany it, and guide it to a more healthy place. Think of it being like someone who runs alongside another runner in order to help the runner run at a good pace for the race they’re running, encouraging, showing them how to run a bit faster or slower than they are doing.

Meeting our body in this way is a compassionate response to a body that’s reacting to external circumstances.

This may work too with bigger changes we want to make for our health.

• Stopping smoking may start by slowly reducing the number of cigarettes you smoke and allowing your body to slowly get used to less nicotine.

• Reducing your salt intake might involve reducing this by a little bit each week. Starting to run more may start by gradually increasing your walking speed by a little bit each day (the NHS couch to 5k programme is based on this principle).

Sometimes big, radical changes are needed, but sometimes meeting your body where it’s at can be helpful.

TRY THIS …

1. Take a moment now to consider what your body is telling you…

2. Accept what’s happening.

3. Move in accordance with what’s going on (walk, tense, scrunch, breathe.)

4. Gradually change the pace to bring it to a place of greater calm

Tuning into our what our body is telling us, and responding to what it needs is known as attunement. Think about tuning a car, tuning in a radio; it’s about making fine adjustments so that things work are able to work at their optimum.

Telling our story

It seems unreal. A whole nation, suddenly, and without warning asked to stay at home and have no contact with anyone apart from those in their own household. Two weeks, two days or even two hours before, we would never have imagined it. But it happened, and it’s already hard to believe how quiet the streets were, how incarcerated we all felt and how panicked we were about loo roll.

The last two years have brought a whole mixture of experiences, but as we mark two years since ‘it’ all started, and are now working out what it means to learn to live with ‘it’, it could be helpful to stop and take stock. There have been losses, gains and everything in between. Life has moved on as it would have done anyway, but it’s moved on with a most unusual backdrop.

Telling our own story of the last two years could be an important step in helping us to move on well. Stories have long been a way of making sense of complex situations and feelings. We often indulge ourselves in other people’s stories through film and television as a way of exploring aspects of what it means to be human, but telling our own personal story could have a powerful affect on our mental health and wellbeing.

Telling your own story is a way of ordering and rationalising your experiences. The process encourages you to formulate a clearer understanding of what has happened, making it easier to ‘file’. Without doing this, our brains and bodies may well be holding our experiences in a disorganised way which can create stress. Telling our own story helps us to reconcile any apparent contradictions (For example, I felt lonely to be on my own, but relieved to have more space and time to study).  Telling our own story helps us to note more clearly the losses and gains, which make grieving and celebration more possible. It also releases us to begin to ‘write’ a new chapter. 

It’s also true that telling our own story often involves us naming our emotions. Phycologists suggest that naming our emotions can move them from our gut to the left hemisphere of our brain which is responsible for planning and processing information. Telling our story gives our feelings a ‘voice’.   

Telling our story needs space. Space to step back and engage. Space that is protected from interruptions, and space that feels safe. Telling our story will involve trying out different words, editing and redrafting until we find the words that ‘best’ name what story we need to tell. This might be done on our own or with others. It might even be done with the support of a therapist or counsellor. It might be done orally or in written form. It might be done with a combination of all of these. 

Our story can be shared or not. Telling our story to others often gives them permission or encouragement to do the same, but it’s not essential. Stories are personal, and should be shared with discretion. 

Whatever story you have been living over the last couple of years, it’s important to know that the final chapter hasn’t yet been written. There are more chapters to write, but for now, let’s give this chapter the airtime it needs. 

TRY THIS …

Getting started writing our story can be hard. Consider these things as a prompt. Use as many of them that are helpful and disregard any that aren’t relevant.

• What do you remember about the first lockdown? 

• What changes did it cause in your daily routine?

• With whom and how did you communicate?

• What were the gains? What were the losses? 

• As lockdown continued, what challenges did you face? 

• What helped you overcome those challenges? What resources did you draw upon?

• What do you remember about what was it like as restrictions eased?

• Who did you reunite with, and who didn’t you reunite with? 

• What did you return to doing, and what did you not return to doing?

• What have you still not returned to doing?

• What was it like going back into lockdown? 

• What were the implications for your relationships and work?

• What was it like when restrictions eased again? 

• Looking back over the last couple of years; 

• What events, occasions or celebrations have you managed to do/not do?

• What now remains as things have eased?  

• What is now lost as have things have eased?

Balance is important in many areas of our life, but the balance between work and rest is an especially tricky one, often because many of us don’t feel we have as much control over this as we might like. Maybe we can’t get employment, or the employment do have demands more of us than we would like.

It’s important however to find ways of gaining more control over this, and making choices that protect our wellbeing.

Both rest and work can leave us lacking in energy if we don’t get the balance right. In both and work and rest, we need to find the things that allow us to be ourselves the most.

Work can give a sense of purpose, achievement and satisfaction, all things that are good for our wellbeing. If we aren’t in paid employment, we’ll need to find this in different ways, maybe through volunteering, caring for others or working on little projects.

If our work is too demanding, it can leave us feeling like we don’t have enough time or energy to do things that we need or want to do for ourselves. Gaining balance will involve us making sure we carve out and protect time that gives us a chance to do the things that bring us life and energy. This may involve us setting limits and boundaries.   

They key thing is to work out what a healthy balance between work and rest is right for you. Then we need to make good decisions about how we’re going to put in place limits and boundaries that help us get more balance. This starts with us taking a bit of time to stop and reflect. Here are some questions you might want to give yourself some time to reflect on:

• I wonder when and where and what was I doing when I felt most energised this week?

• I wonder what activities this week made me feel good?

• I wonder what activities this week made me feel purposeful?

• I wonder what activities this week made me feel most like me?

• I wonder when and where and what was I doing when I felt most drained this week?

Try this

Draw yourself a circle. Use 3 different colours to shade in the circle to show the following in an ‘average week’ for you at the moment:

• how much of your time you think you spend doing things that drain or tire you?

• how much of your time you think you spend doing things that energise you, make you feel good?

• how much of your time do you think you spend doing things that neither drain or energise you; the things that are neutral?

Then take some time to look at what you’ve created and consider the balance.

Ask yourself

• I wonder if this is this balanced enough?

• I wonder what one thing you might do bring a bit more balance in the coming week?

• I wonder what boundaries you need to set for work or rest?

Come back to your circles again in a week’s time and see if you have any new insight or if noticing this has helped you re-balance a little more.

Reason to Purpose

This month we have been considering how we find a greater sense of meaning and purpose, and how that can support our wellbeing.

We’ve looked at the importance of making sense of change through telling our story, the importance of letting go of the things that have been lost, and taking stock of the things we have gained.

This week we consider what we might do now… how we might reimagine and rediscover a fresh sense of purpose, a renewed reason to get up in the morning.

The French talk about having a ‘raison d’etre’ which literally means ‘reason to being’. The Japanese have a similar concept known as Ikigai.

Ikigai is a whole philosophy, but a key part of it holds four key parts as shown below, with the ‘sweet spot’ being in the middle.

Passions are the things that make you happiest when you have them, and the things you lament the most when you don’t. The books or magazines you read, and the kinds of films and TV programmes you’re drawn to may give you clues about what your passions are. They can be values, causes, strong interests. Often when you’re involved in doing something you’re passionate about, time runs away with itself and you feel the most energised.

Abilities are the things that come most naturally to you. They may be the tasks you consider easy, and don’t even realise that others don’t. You may have acquired the skill though hard work and determination, you may have had to develop the skill due to some adversity or they may be things you’ve always found yourself a ‘natural’ at.

Needs are things that are happening in our world or communities that need some action. The needs may be practical things that are needed within our world (we realised in the pandemic that some things were especially essential for us to keep going), some needs are less essential but people have decided there is a need. Maybe we are in the minority is seeing the need, or maybe we join many others in recognising it.

Wants are the needs that others also value, and are willing to invest time, money and resource into.

As we look back through the resources this month, I wonder if you can spend some time re-considering your passions, talents and re-evaluating the needs and wants of the world we now live in.

Giving our time and energy to things that are needed and wanted, and using our own special talents and passions to do it, might be a key part of having that sense of purpose which is helpful to our wellbeing.

We started the month considering Victor Frankl’s quote:

“He who has a ‘why’ to live for, can bear almost anything”

Inspirational speaker Simon Sinek says your ‘why’ is the purpose, cause or belief behind what you do and he says it’s essential that any organisation that wants to be successful communicates this ‘why’ to it’s members. I wonder whether it’s also true that for us to be ‘successful’, (or well, or flourish) we also have clarity on our ‘why’?

Your ‘why’ will be about your underlying motivations.

Your ‘why’ Your changed circumstances might mean these things have now changed since the beginning of the pandemic. They may remain the same.

Consider…

What and who is most important to me now?

One area of balance which is challenging to consider is that of tensions. Sometimes we have to balance different competing ideas, preferences or realities to find our way through them. I am busy but I need to work. I need a holiday but can I afford it? It’s good to exercise but I’m tired.

There is no right or wrong answer in these situations of balance but often the key is to be aware of yourself and your own motivations, emotions and thoughts when tensions arise. Check out this original poem by Ben Harper which explores the theme some more.

Balance Poem

Too salty? Too Sweet?

Too light? Too dark?

Too loud? Too quiet?

Two things that need careful balance.

Too hard? Too soft?

Too subtle? Too overpowering?

Too much? Too little?

Two things that need careful balance.

It’s art, and it’s science

It’s skill, and its’ talent

It’s experience, and beginner’s luck

It’s trial and error, and it’s just dropping on it the first time.

Big changes, little tweaks, intentional and accidental

Balance is to be found in all of these ways

They call it a ‘balancing act’; a performance to perfect

That needs all of our attention, yet demands we inhabit it so well that we hardly know we’re doing it

The pulling in opposite directions, creates a push towards a mid point

The up competes with the down,

The high complements the low

Seek, and you will find

Lose and you will gain

Work hard for it, and you will rest

Rest well, and you will stumble upon the perfect blend of the wonderfully contrasting, ever conflicted, never ending possibilities.

Balance.

Try this …

Read the poem a few times and reflect.

• What stands out to you the most from this poem?

• What tensions do you hear, see and feel?

• What does balance mean for you?

 THE physical acts of letting go

This month we’ve been considering the importance of finding meaning and purpose in the challenges we face. We’ve spent some time ‘telling the story’, and in that acknowledging some of the things that have been gained and some of the things that might have been lost. 

Spending time letting go of some of our challenges and uncomfortable emotions can be an important step in us forming meaning and purpose. Our resources last week encouraged us to find greater clarity about what our experiences have been, and this week we want to focus on what it might look like to ‘let go’ of anything that has left us feeling burdened, overwhelmed or unable to ‘move on’. 

Letting go isn’t easy. We’re wired to hold on. But letting go will allow us to move forward with greater clarity and purpose.

Emotions are abstract; we can’t touch them or hold them in our hands. We find the abstract difficult to deal with, and we therefore might benefit from making the abstract concrete, real, physical. 

Writing emotions down, making a plasticine model, drawing a picture of something, holding an object that represents the abstract could all help. 

And then we may need to find a way of discarding it. 

Burning, shredding, ripping, burying, breaking are all physical acts that might help to tell our brain that the thing that’s been difficult can be gone. 

TRY THIS…

Here’s some physical actions that might connect with the idea of letting go. Why not give or two a try?

• Write things down, using colours to bring more life to your emotions and then shred the paper

• Make a plasticine model to represent what has been difficult, and then purposely remould it into something new

• Gather some belongings that represent an event or situation you want to move on from, box them up and send them off to a charity shop or is it’s safe, burn them. 

• Taking a stone, holding it and feeling the weight of it as a representation of any emotional weightiness you might feel. Dropping or throwing the stone into a stream, or body of water as a way of releasing it. 

A physical act like this is an event. Something we can remind ourselves of, and tell others about; something that forms part of the story we are writing. 

Our brains compute real events, concrete objects far better than the abstract, and rituals like these can therefore be powerful in readying our brain to move on. 

This weekend will be full of symbols of new life; bunnies, eggs, lambs. Symbols of hope against a backdrop of something far darker. New things are easier to receive when we’ve made room for them, letting go of anything that’s unhelpful from our past. 

Consider

What do you want or need to let go of?

What ritual would be helpful to you?

Self is our theme for this month’s Well? subscription.  

We want to dig into our understanding of who we are, and grow our sense of self-awareness and self-acceptance. But why is this important?  Why is understanding who I am something that can help my wellbeing?  At the start of this month we wanted to give you four reasons why we think this is an important topic. 

Knowledge is change 

The first and most important theme is that we can only really change and grow when we first accept and understand who we are.  Psychologist Carl Rogers puts it like this:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 

So many parts of our own health and wellbeing involve being willing to change and develop those habits which might either make us unhealthier or might improve our health.  Rogers view makes it clear that we begin that process with a knowledge and acceptance of ourselves.

Self-Knowledge is therefore change.

You are unique, and wonderful 

As we begin to understand ourselves, we might begin to notice just how wonderful we are.  We should certainly understand our uniqueness.  

Take a look at your hand and your fingerprints.  Your fingerprints are set as they are in the womb, by the time a fetus reaches 17 weeks. Fingerprint pattern formation consists of two components: developmental and genetic. The ridge pattern development not only depends on genetic factors but also on unique physical conditions. This means everyone’s fingerprints are unique.  Even identical twins (who are genetically similar) will have different fingerprints. 

This shows you’re amazing and also tells us you’re unique.  There is no one like you.

Nobody else lives like you 

As well as no-one being like you physically in certain ways, there are also unique ways that you will process information, think and react.  We do things differently and no one exactly lives like you.

This is important when we think about our health and wellbeing.  A routine or action which helps one person might not help someone else.  It’s important to form your own toolkit, something we’ve shared before at Space to Breathe.   

Honesty is life-changing 

So when we think about self-awareness and understanding ourselves – it’s wonderful to know that being honest with ourselves can be really life-changing.  

It’s hard to be honest.  But when we begin to see ourselves as we are and to see all our strengths and weaknesses in reality – then we can begin to live accordingly.

We often encourage support from others and that’s vital too – but even if it’s too much to begin to think about being honest with others, we can be honest with ourselves – and that can be life changing.

TRY THIS …

Einstein once said …

 “Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” 

Take some time to think about who you are who you’re not. Take some time to understand you and consider how you’d like to grow and flourish in the months ahead.

Hope is a state of mind

Because hope is a state of mind, rather than a physical ‘object’, it can seem elusive to find. Hope can sometimes be something we’re always searching for but always a bit beyond us.

Sometimes we need a focus or method of finding hope and here our brains can help us. Our brains are triggered by our sensory experiences and sometimes these experiences can trigger feelings. One example is a bright sunny day can trigger cheerfulness. So what we can do to ‘trigger’ hope? 

Consider for a moment;

If hope was a colour, what colour would it be?

If hope was a sound, what sound would it be?

If hope was a smell, what smell would it be?

If hope was a taste, what taste would it be?

If hope was a texture, what texture would it be?

Try this…

Why not have a go at a few of these sensory experiences to trigger hope.

Hope isn’t a ‘thing’, but it can be made more ‘real’ when we link physical ‘things’ to it. Give your mind a helping hand this week by using some of these ideas to make hope more real. 

This article is by Ben Harper. You can continue the conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach.

Self Compassion

We all know how to be kind. It’s something we’re taught to be from a young age. Many of us are good at it, and it comes easily with those we love and care about.

Kindness can look like many things. Here are some words from a thesaurus that are associated with kindness:

• affection

• understanding

• good will

• graciousness

• tenderness

• courtesy

• patience

• tolerance

• goodness

• sweetness

• benevolence

• sympathy

• gentleness

• grace

• altruism

• decency

• cordiality

• hospitality

• decency

• humanity

I wonder which of these words you like the most? I wonder if you can think of times you’ve been like this, shown this, done these things in the last week.

Buddhist monk Jack Kornfield says: “If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete”. We’re all good at being kind to others, but some of us are less good at being kind to ourselves. Self compassion is treating yourself like you’d treat a good friend.

Look back through that list of words… what would it look like to show these things to yourself? What does it mean today to treat yourself with gentleness, tolerance, patience?

These are all ways of being kind. And we need to learn to art of being kind to ourselves.

Spend some time with one of the words above. Imagine being like that with someone else, and then turn it around and consider how you can be like that with yourself.

If you’d like to listen to an audio version of this, use the MP3 below.

THE POWER OF HOPE

This week was International Women’s Day; a day that draws attention to the achievements and contribution that women make in our world.

In an ideal world, we wouldn’t need such a day because the voice and credibility of women would be equal to that of men every day, but history has shown that the role of women has often been ignored, silenced or played down. In this context, women across the world could have remained silent, subservient and accepting of the roles men gave them, but some women saw than more was possible.

Some women had hope…

Hope is about seeing more than there is now. Seeing something that is currently impossible, could be possible. Seeing way beyond all the current evidence or experience. International Women’s Day has it’s roots in the suffragette movement which fought for Women’s right vote back in the early 1900’s. Women who beyond all their current evidence or experience believed that it was possible for women to play a more equal role in steering the political agenda. 

As we look around today, we might be right to flag that equal voice for women has still not been fully realised, but I imagine those who were behind the first International Women’s Day would be astounded at how far we have come. They dared to hope, they dared to dream, they dared to act in spite of their evidence and experience.  

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It’s easy to look back at those behind the Women’s movement and see their victories. But I imagine there were days when they felt very much defeated, days when they felt like giving up. We know there are those who were injured and killed in the process of fighting. Hope on those days was surely distant. But those that carried on, continued to believe, continued to hope. 

I celebrate those who hoped beyond their evidence or experience. I believe society is better for their efforts. I believe there is further to go and more to come. 

As we look around, we may become overwhelmed with evidence or experience that things are ‘bad’. Whether that be globally, nationally, locally or personally. And there is truth there. As I’ve watched the news over the last couple of weeks, I have all the evidence to believe things are ‘bad’. But I also see individuals who dare to hope. People who believe there is more than there is now. People who don’t just accept that this is how it is, but see possibility beyond it. 

To hope is to live with something better in mind. To hope is to act in a way that holds that ‘better’ in the mind. 

TRY THIS …

Take a moment to reflect. Think through these five steps.

STEP ONE

Acknowledge those things that are hard, difficult, challenging; personally, locally, nationally and globally. Acknowledge what seems impossible to change.

STEP TWO

Dare to believe that things could be better; hold that ‘better’ in your mind. 

STEP THREE

Consider what small thing, if anything, you can do towards that ‘better.’

STEP FOUR

Recognise what you can’t do. Let it go.

STEP FIVE

Choose to hope beyond all evidence or experience for change

This article is by Ben Harper. You can continue the conversation with him @wellbeingteach on Twitter. 

Finding Hope

How do we find hope when we feel hopeless?

Hopelessness is often characterised by a feeling of being stuck; not having options, choice or chance to change something. It has its own kind of ‘fuel’, feeding itself on negative feelings we have about ourselves, on gloom and overwhelming sorrow. 

Hopelessness is understandable and real. We all feel it. It is even acceptable as a response to too much happening that feels beyond our control. But hopelessness doesn’t serve us well - it doesn’t change things and doesn’t help us - it only serves itself.

So maybe there’s another way?

Trying to hope when life is hard is a task. We need to go out of our way to find hope in these times; like digging for treasure in a mine of mundanity. It takes intention, and effort, but is precious when it’s found. 

TRY THIS …

Below I’ve set out a few of the things which may help on that quest for hope, although finding hope is an art rather than an exact science. We have to discover what works for us, and be open to things we haven’t tried before. We might also need to be open to trying things we have tried before, and haven’t previously worked. Different things work in different seasons of life. 

Hopelessness causes inertia or passivity, and it’s important not to give in to this. Hope begins when we just do something, anything. 

Consider what combination on the following might work for you: 

Remember …

There are many reasons to lose hope, but many benefits from finding it. 

“But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Empathy not Sympathy

We suffer painful experiences, such as bereavement or loss, as human beings. They happen and when they do, they are difficult and tough.

At these times, we need the compassion and care of others to help us through. The traditional approach is to offer ‘deepest sympathy’ to someone.

“With deepest sympathy for your loss”

But in times of grief, anguish, upset, stress, I would argue that what we need isn’t sympathy, but empathy. 

Empathy is about entering into the experience of another person. It doesn’t assume or even try and imagine from it’s own perspective how the other person is feeling, but listens with curiosity about what is being experienced, drawing in its mind a map of the other person’s inner world. It appreciates that the lived experience of the other person may be different to their own, and it’s open and willing to hear that.

Empathy doesn’t stop painful and difficult emotions being expressed, instead it provides a space where those feelings can be heard, validated and held. 

At it’s very best, empathy sits with and feels the other person’s pain with them, not trying to solve, fix or change it., but simply accept it. 

This can be uncomfortable for those of us who have made a lifetimes habit of avoiding our own pain. Many of us have become hard wired to rush on, brush over or avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions ourselves. To enter into our pain is a challenge, let alone someone else’s. 

But true empathy is what helps people reconcile, accept and make sense of their pain. 

It’s rare to experience true empathy. And to provide it for others is something we have to grow into. 

Emotionally available people have become skilled at showing empathy. Not that it’s an overly technical thing, but more that it takes some work to become more able to sit with uncomfortable emotions. I believe it requires us to be certain things; 

present, curious, accepting, honouring, open minded and compassionate.

We might all benefit from being these things to ourselves as a starting point. Once we can be this with ourselves, our capacity to be that to others will grow.     

This blog is by Ben Harper. You can continue the conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach

Calming Activities in Everyday Life by Fatima Shahzad

In this week’s blog we will be considering and reflecting on the many different activities and ways that we found calm each week this month. We have looked over many ways that we find calm, whether that’s in our mind, body, activities or space.

As you reflect back on the past month and see which of the exercises that you engaged in, which ones have worked for you. How we can implement these exercises in our everyday lives? This is important so that you are actively achieving a sense of calm, not only when you need it but are always achieving a sense of calm and having that positive and peaceful mindset - which will only uplift you as a person and allow you to lead a more positive and affirming life.

Here at Space to Breathe we believe it’s important to input calming activities or exercises into your everyday life whether or not you feel stressed that day. By doing this, you will actively build a routine and provide yourself a consistency in your life that you will always have. Along with consistency, by having a set routine in your day, it will provide you more control in your life, over your days, allowing you to have a firm structure in your life which will help to boost your health and wellbeing.

As we all know, in life there are many ups and downs that we all face, instilling these calming activities in your everyday life will provide you a support system that you can fall back on automatically should you ever need to, helping you through your worries and lifting you back up to where you belong. Not only this, but it will allow you to manage your stress levels better which in turn will encourage you to take better care of yourself. Lastly, having these calming routines in your everyday life will allow you a feeling of accomplishment and lead you to be in tune with yourself, with your mind, body, activities and space.

Take a moment

I would like to encourage you to reflect and think back on this month’s well resources and how we managed to find calm through exploring our mind, body, activities and spaces by engaging in a whole host of different activities such as looking at different pictures to understand what brings us calm, stretching and releasing the tension in our body, exploring our five senses and understanding what makes a space calm. Once you have thought back through this month, I would like you to…

TRY THIS…

• I would encourage you to pick at least two of the activities from this month’s well resources to help you find calm and implement them into your daily routine

• I would especially like to encourage you to implement these into your morning routine, for example taking a break from social media as soon as you wake up or actively engaging in some meditation exercises etc.

Building these activities into your morning and developing that routine will provide you with a structure to your day, allowing you to feel in control of your day. This will provide you a positive mindset and a healthy start to your day leading you to be productive and achieving your goals while maintaining a sense of calm throughout.

Why not give this a try and see if it helps you?

Love Languages by Ben Harper

Love is so fundamentally important to us as humans. Love is the subject of many poetic and musical musings primarily because we’re always searching for it, wrangling with it and trying to pin it down. To be loved is at the heart of our longings and needs. 

Love is an abstract concept; something that is hard to define and hard to fully understand. Maybe that’s why love is best understand when it’s as an action and not a ‘thing’. 

The term ‘emotionally available’ can imply passivity; it can suggest that we are available for people to come to us, but that we don’t need to be proactive in going to them. This wouldn’t be the intention behind those that coined the term, and so we mustn’t be caught out by this. I think emotionally availability has to involve being proactive.    

Dr Gary Chapman has developed the concept of ‘love languages’ to express how love might be seen in action, and within his framework there’s an understanding that different people will need and value love been shown in different ways. All are actions and invite us to be pro-active in expressing love, care, concern, appreciation and value to others.

They’re known as languages, because they are all ways of communicating love. As in any communication, there’s a danger of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding primarily happens when someone ‘speaks’ a different language to the person they’re speak to. This can happen in any of our relationships. Being proactive in love involves learning the language of the person we want to ‘speak’ to.

TRY THIS…

Take a few moments of quiet and consider the following questions.

• Who would you want to know that you are ‘emotionally available’?

• What does it look like to be proactive in showing your availability?

• Which love language do you think you value the most?

• Which love language might be a stretch for you?

• How might you discover someone else’s love language?

• How can you begin to learn someone else’s language? 

Why not explore trying a few of these ideas in supporting others and see what the effects are? You could arrange a chat with a close friend and ask them which language you think best fits with you.

For more about love languages, including links to quizzes that can help you discover your own and others, go to: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/