I recently hosted a young German man in my home for a few months. His English was ok, my German awful. His English got better, my German is still awful! Over the time he was here, we had some ‘interesting’ conversations and we were very grateful for google translate! We knew language was an issue and so we were able to work around it, but it had it’s frustrations.
Now imagine someone always spoke to you in a language you didn’t understand. It wouldn’t take long before you became exasperated or even disengaged. How we communicate with one another determines whether our relationships with others grow, stagnate or fizzle out.
We usually grow in relationship with people we appreciate in some way. They give us something we value or need; laughter, wisdom, care, understanding. For those we most appreciate, we will naturally find ourselves expressing that appreciation, but are we speaking the right language?
When I first came across Gary Chapman’s concept of ‘love languages’, it was like a revelation. We also find this concept really resonates with people at our school staff ‘Soulful Wellbeing’ days.
Chapman suggests that there are five different ways people communicate their love and appreciation to one another. Each of us have a preference.
We are most likely to express our appreciation in the way we’d like appreciation shown to us. The problem with this? It can be like speaking different languages. What makes this worse than the situation me and my young German friend found ourselves in, is that at least we understood that we didn’t understand! In many relationships, there’s just a confusion, disconnect and in the end disengagement from one another.
We, at Space to Breathe, refer to these languages as ‘languages of connection’ to emphasise the importance of connection with others in supporting our wellbeing. We think it has an application for the home, workplace and our communities.
The key is to understand our own preference, recognise people’s efforts when they speak in a different language and work towards becoming ‘multi-lingual’ in the way we communicate our appreciation.
The Five Languages of Connection
Gifts; these people like to be appreciated by receiving thoughtful gifts, big and small. These people will be mega offended if you don’t mark their birthday with a gift!
Acts of Service; these people love it when you do stuff to help them out, especially when they’re stressed out. The biggest ‘no-no’ with these people is sitting around whilst they’re running around doing jobs.
Quality Time; these people really value one to one time to be together and chat ‘properly’. They like to be known and know you well. They’re going to get super frustrated with you if they experience you as being distracted when they’re trying to communicate with you.
Words of affirmation; these people appreciate your kind words and encouragements. They won’t cope well with criticism or when you don’t tell them with your words how much you’re grateful
Physical Touch; these people are all about the hugs, the handshakes, the high fives. They’re often sensory sorts and will struggle if you don’t express your appreciation from a physical distance
Becoming multi-lingual can make more of our relationships more satisfying for both parties. It empowers us to receive and show appreciation in ways that simply ‘make more sense’. It allows us to appreciate one another more fully. It grows our sense of connection with others.
Chapman has produced a variety of books and resources to help you understand and apply this more which you can find at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/