AT HOME WITH OUR SELF

This week we think about the self feeling ‘at home.’

We all need a physical home, but we can come to believe that home is only a physical place. Home is also an emotional space within us. To find it, we will need to look inside ourselves and be honest, open, forgiving, compassionate and loving with ourselves. This way, we don’t have to go looking for home elsewhere, because we have created it within our own mind and body. Finding home within ourself is largely about self acceptance.

What is self acceptance?

Often many people confuse self-acceptance and self-esteem. However, the two mean very different things. Self-esteem refers to whether you feel you are worthwhile, valuable, and generally good, whereas self-acceptance is the complete acceptance of oneself. It’s an acceptance of all our attributes whether we see them as positive or negative; to fully accept who we are, we cannot just embrace the attributes we define as valuable, good, positive, or desirable, we have to also embrace the less desirable parts of ourselves. If we cannot do that then we will never reach full self-acceptance.

Psychologist Seltzer (2008) who has an array of research around self-acceptance defines it as the following:

“Self-acceptance is exactly what its name suggests: the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True self-acceptance is embracing who you are, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions”.

Why is it so hard to achieve full self-acceptance?

There are often many obstacles that can make self-acceptance a difficult place to reach. These could include a lack of self-awareness and self-knowledge. Many of us often don’t fully understand and know who we are because we don’t take the time to do so. Another obstacle may be that we do not want to acknowledge the parts of ourselves we deem negative. These can vary vastly from one person to another. It could be the way we choose to ignore trauma faced as a child or adult because it is easier to ignore than accept. It may be that we struggle to connect with emotions we think are negative and so instead of trying to become attuned to those emotions and exploring and accepting them, we avoid them at all costs. It could be the fact that often in the world we live in we are shamed for various negative actions or that we are too hard on ourselves and unwilling to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make. Mistakes are natural and happen to all of us but often we punish ourselves because it means we are not perfect. All this does is lead to feelings of shame, disappointment, and a consistent criticism of everything we do.

I invite you to try and think about self-acceptance in the following way: self-acceptance sets the stage for growth motivated by curiosity, inspiration, and self-care. That sounds a lot better than feeling motivated by self-rejection and shame.

Self-acceptance is a work-in-progress and along the journey if we choose to take it, we should be kind and compassionate to ourselves whilst trying to truly accept the uniqueness of the person we are. American researcher Brené Brown well known for her work on vulnerability and shame states:

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

TRY THIS …

How can we improve and nurture self-acceptance? 

There are various ways that we can try to work towards acceptance of oneself. I invite you to read through the following few helpful tools for building self-acceptance and if you feel inspired or interested in any of the tools then please feel free to attempt them in your own time and at your own pace. Remember, taking care of our wellbeing is an individual process for each and every one of us. The journey you decide to take is your choice. I just hope these tools may help you on your way.

Tool 1: Positive self-talk. I invite you to sit and say out loud if you feel comfortable to do so, or just to yourself, the following statements: 

¨     “I am a good and caring person and deserve to be treated with respect.”

¨     “I am capable of achieving success in my life.”

¨     “There are people who love me and will be there for me when I need them.”

¨     “I deserve to be happy.”

¨      “I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.”

Repeat each statement, or if you don’t like these statements feel free to create some that are more personal to yourself and then acknowledge them and absorb them. Try to do this multiple times a week if possible.

Tool 2: Relaxed awareness.  

I invite you to close your eyes for a minute, and instead of pushing thoughts away or trying to focus on your breath, just softly notice your thoughts, feelings, and body. You might see negative thoughts or emotions — that’s OK. Just notice them, watch them. Don’t try to turn them into positive thoughts or push them away. Try and practice this for 5 minutes a day if possible.

Tool 3: Forgive yourself.

I invite you to sit in a safe space and think of the following: Think of your past self as a different person, and that you can only change what you can control right now, which is your present self. When you reframe your mind this way, it generates self-compassion. You begin to understand that what you dislike about yourself today is because you judge your past self-based on your current self, who needed to make that mistake in the first place.