We all need people who are emotionally available

In 1989, a series of uprisings led to the end of communist rule in Romania. Shortly after, over 170,000 children were found in large scale and poorly resourced children’s homes, living in abject poverty and mostly neglected.

In an attempt to help, experts were keen to understand the impact this kind of beginning to life had upon their long term development and subsequently tracked some of these children for the next 14 years. One of the most startling findings was the difference in the way these children’s brains developed compared to those growing up in comparably ‘normal’ circumstances. Perhaps unsurprisingly, without receiving adequate love and attention, these children’s brains were far less developed, and subsequently their social, emotional and intellectual capacity was more limited.

We are hardwired for connection. We need it. We need it badly. Without it, we are more prone to physical illness and disease, not to mention at increased risk of mental ill health.

Connection with others is essential for our physical and emotional wellbeing. At Space to Breathe, we talk about this regularly for this reason. But the kind of connection we’re talking about isn’t just about hanging out with someone, although this can be important. The kind of connections that make the biggest difference are the ones where we experience ‘emotional availability’. 

We all need people in our lives who can be ‘emotionally available’. And we can all become ‘emotionally available’ to others. Giving and receiving this can be tricky; it can cost us in time, resources and conflict with our sometimes natural instinct to be self sufficient (which is often a defence mechanism from past hurt or failed attempts to give or receive in this way). 

To be fully human, to be ‘well’, is to let our guard down and let others in. It’s not feasible to maintain all our relationships at this kind of level – none of us have that kind of emotional capacity. Sociologists reckon that it’s only possible to regularly maintain between 2 and 5 relationships like this. But it’s important that we cultivate some. 

C.A.R.E.

An emotionally available person will have many qualities, some of which we’ll explore further over this month on our Well? resources. But for now, here is a simple acronym to get us started. Emotionally available people C.A.R.E. Emotionally available people are:

Committed. 

Their words and actions demonstrate that they will remain faithful and stick with someone through good and bad situations

Attentive. 

They listen to what is being said, not just through words, but through behaviour, often seeing beneath the surface of another person.

Responsive. 

They respond with care and compassion to needs that they see. They offer help, guidance, reassurance and support.

Empowering. 

They seek to allow the other person to experience success, and look out for opportunities to allow the other person to flourish.  

TRY THIS … REFLECTION

Take some time to read these four words and explanations again and again. Let them sink in. Being on the receiving end of committed, attentive, responsive and empowering relationships will help you grow. Similarly, being able to share this sort of emotional availability with others will make a big impact on them and will help you in the process.

Now ask yourself a few questions.

Who C.A.R.E.’s for you?

Who do you C.A.R.E. for?

What does it cost you to C.A.R.E.?

What do you gain from showing C.A.R.E.?

Do you C.A.R.E. too much or too little? 

What stops you from receiving C.A.R.E.?

What stops you from giving C.A.R.E.?

What would you say to someone who was struggling to give or receive C.A.R.E.?

What would it look like to apply this advice to yourself? 

Take some time to reflect and maybe note down any thoughts or actions you’d like to reflect on some more.