Helping Others with Stress
What do we do when we see our friends or family struggling with high levels of stress. We want to dive and and help - but how best should we do that?
Truly emotionally supportive friends aren’t rescuers they’re enablers. Whilst it can feel good to rescue someone, and sometimes to be rescued, it doesn’t serve us well to foster the kinds of relationship where this is the dynamic.
People are better served by us when we help them to see themselves as competent and able rather than incompetent and unable. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to signpost another person to people who can help them - their GP, a support group or some other form of help for stress.
However, we can also be a listening friend who enables them to see exactly what is going on inside them and in their lives and to empower them to be the person who can overcome. We know from our own lives that the support of others is vital in overcoming stress - we can be a great listener and enabler.
We can do this by listening, validating, encouraging, and asking before suggesting or helping. Let me share some ideas about how you might try each of these steps.
Listening
This needs to be the kind of listening that is fully focussed on the person. Distractions ignored, watching and listening out for what’s been communicated verbally and non verbally, noticing what’s been said and what’s not been said. This type of listening is brave enough to get involved with feeling what the other person is feeling, and not rush on from that.
Validating
This is about accepting the current reality of the other person and agreeing with them that it’s ok to feel how they feel. We do this with phrases like ‘I can hear that it’s tough’ or ‘It sounds like you’re feeling…..’
When we accept someone’s feelings, it helps them to accept them too.
Encouraging
Reminding someone of their strengths, abilities and achievements can help them to remember that they do have ‘power’, ‘means’ to solve problems.
Asking
Being curious is key here and is as much about tone as it is about the words. Are there things it would be good to clarify in what the person has told you or are there things you wonder about what they or others have already done to help themselves?
Suggesting
Stephen Covey says this:
“The real beginning of influence comes as others sense you are being influenced by them – when they feel understood by you – that you have listened deeply and sincerely, and that you are open”
Only when we’ve done the listening, validating, encouraging and asking, should we step in with suggestions. Suggestions needs to be given with openness and a willingness on your part to let them go if they don’t land well with the other person, and should be suggestions not directions.
Helping
Helping someone out practically can be really appreciated, but is best done in the background and undercover. In a study done about supporting people through exam stress, Ethan Kross says:
“The study revealed that helping without the recipient being aware of it, a phenomenon called ‘invisible support’, was the formula for supporting others whilst not making them feel bad about lacking resources to coping on their own”
Making ourselves available to help others is a beautiful thing, but let’s help one another in a way that is good for both them and you.
Ben Harper is Space to Breathe’s Education Lead. You can continue the conversation with him on Twitter @wellbeingteach.